Posted 3/5/2005 9:54 PM (GMT -6)
I am new here and newly diagnosed with severe depression and high anxiety.
I was really hoping that the blood tests that my doctor ran would show that either my thyroid or my hormones would be the underlying cause of my depression. Blood tests came back last Thursday and everything is within normal ranges. My menstrual cycle was way off and causing all kinds of problems and I really wanted for that to be the reason that my depression was so bad recently. Unfortunetly, it seems that it is the other way around. I am depressed and that is causing my physical problems.
My doctor put me on WellbutrinXL and has cut me back to one tablet (150mg) per day because I feel so fuzzy and lightheaded. Hoping to increase the dosage back to 300mg daily after another week. I am afraid that this smaller dosage will not be enough to control the depression, and I really don't want to wait a few more weeks to find out that I am no farther ahead than where I was. I don't know if I can continue to function for another month or more while all this is figuring itself out. Why doesn't the danged pill work for me without any problems? These side effects seem to be the minority not the norm according to the drug companies studies.
It just becomes something else to cry about. Why can't I control the tears???
I hate feeling this way. I hate the person that I seem to have become. I went to the doctor because my husband and my mother insisted that I go and find out what was wrong. Hearing someone say that I am depressed didn't help me though. I just feel worse! Something else that I can't control or fix.
How do people fight these emotions?? I am either so angry that I just feel MEAN! Or I am blubbering like some idiot over the dumbest things! My kids don't know what to think other than that mom is slightly nuts these days. I am afraid when I am feeling mean that I am going to say something that will scar them forever.
I am what most folks would call a type A personality. I get things done quickly and efficiently and it is usually easier for me to do things myself right the first time then to have to redo what someone else tried to do for me. I feel crazy with this feeling of not knowing what to do and being unsure of myself and full of doubts. I'm even nervous when I am driving-like I am going to cause an accident or something because I'm doing it wrong. For a stay at home, part time working, mom driving is kind of a necessary in our rural area. Then I get in the car and think what would happen if I just started driving and didn't stop....if I just drove away some where...dumb thought for someone who is all of a sudden scared to drive!
This is just so unlike me and I don't know why it's happening. I like to know the answers to things and this is just so hard for me to understand. Where did it come from? How long will it last? Do I have to keep taking pills to be able to be a functioning person? Why?? What happened to the strong competent person I was just a short while ago?? Where did she go and why did she leave me? Nothing horrible has happened in my life, no deaths or new stresses or changes that would cause problems. I have a good marriage with a wonderful husband who has been willing to put up with me and all this nonsense (thank God!) smart kids that do well in school.......What the heck happened???? And why is this happening to me????