I posted this on the bipolar board but hopefully it's ok I post it here as well?
I don't like posting and not trying to post replies to everyone else; but I am so depressed right now I don' t have the capability to reach out to all of you at the same time, and I'm sorry for that. Please know you are all in my thoughts and I care deeply about your coping and well being.
Last night was terrible. BF and I had our fourth counselling session and honestly I don't even know how I am at work today. I am devastated and so deeply depressed. Last night I was hanging by a thread; all those terrible thoughts going through my head just wanting the pain and suffering to end (you guys know what I'm talking about). I am still feeling that way today. I know I need to focus on hour by hour right now, but I can't stop thinking about that session last night.
I watched a Dr. Phil episode the other day about rage and how people can have a specific gene (called The Warrior Gene) that makes them more susceptible to feeling rage. I don't necessarily believe that is the case for my bf as I think all the constant fighting his parents did while he was growing up including while he was a youth and getting into his twenties, is such a root cause of what is happening with us. The reason I bring up the show is because Dr. Phil really gets to me because I love how he believes in "getting real". I feel like we are so much tip toeing around bf's anger issues that we aren't getting anywhere really.
He has acknowledged but feels he has already changed when that is just not the case. He has made improvements but I still feel he doesn't get it. On the show I am speaking of a couple is on where the guy has rages and the girlfriend is asking Dr. Phil should she take the relationship to the next level (Marriage) and he says "absolutely not" unless the guy gets help and changes. I'm just so confused. After last night (by the way we had a huge fight right before counselling and actually went into the session with it totally unresolved. We were fighting all the way out the door). But after last night I had Dr. Phil's voice in my head saying "let's get real here".....why I am going through all of this mess when I am not the one with the rage issues? Why? I just feel that we go to these sessions together and he does all the talking and all the therapy is based on him (as it SHOULD be), so what I am doing there? Why do I feel like the blame is shifting to me a lot of the time? Prime example: My illness is the HOT topic and "cause" of his anger.
So, here is a question that I am asking all of you...Here is what I believe: This illness is our responsibility, period. We need to own it, accept it and manage it. But I do not believe this means that our significant others should not show us love and compassion when we are not well. We left last night's session with therapist saying "Ok, so you both look after yourselves (Him, himself and me, myself) and that's the way it should be. Separate. Um...to a point yes, but I just can't believe he continues to give me cold responses when I express I am unwell. And I believe couples should be there for each other.
What am I doing? Why am I staying? I don't know if this is ever going to be better because my illness is the scape goat and that really doesn't jive with me.
I don't at all want to be around him tonight. I am so depressed I just want to sleep.
Through all of this I just feel so tired guys of these depressive episodes with no relief and I know it's not the meds; it's the stress. I wish bf would get that this is toxic to me.
I feel so totally hopeless right now...........I would give anything to hear a voice who gets this
Anxiety Disorder/Panic Attacks
Meds-Lamictal 300 mg, Seroquel XR 200 mg, Clonazepam .5mg as needed, Methoprazine 5mg