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Deann092005
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 4/9/2011 11:08 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Everyone:)

Last time I posted an entry about my problem with the "boyfriend" situation. Well I got over that and been kind of happy since then. He changed a lot actually. He would get me flowers to cheer me up and such. Not too long ago, I moved to Boston for school. I'm taking a few classes to apply to Medical School, which has been my long dream. I moved at the beginning of February, I took the train back to celebrate Valentine's day with him. Everything went well. I Went back to Boston. Things got colder and colder between him and I even though I tried so hard to keep in touch. Two-Three weeks later, I found out that he had another girl at his apartment, which he said "nothing happened" and that they only kissed. He even had the nerve to tell me that because talking to her makes him want to treat me better. I found two pictures of them together which hurts me so much. I didn't eat or sleep for two-three days straight. I took the train back to confront him. He told me they only talked about his past, and nothing really happened. But why did he lie to me? Is there any justification for lying? I have been trying to hard to keep my cool and hold in my tears. I tried to be really strong. I got back to my hometown about a week ago for Spring Break, I tried to talk to him, but the girl who is supposedly only his friend called and was crying. Even though I really needed to talk to him, I told him to go help her because seems like she really needed his help. He went and picked her up, took her to his apartment again, but telling me that she didn't sleep over. His roommate told me otherwise. I am very closed with his roommate and she decided to tell me everything. I am heartbroken to know about all of this. What makes me so sad and break down so often is that he is doing this lowlife crap to all over again. It happened once, and his ex girlfriend who contacted me, we chatted and found out all these things he lied to the both of us in the past. I can't find even a single bone in me that could trust him again.

He always said to me "I'm worried about you because I care about you." I cannot think how could someone care about other and do such a bad thing to them? I feel like I was overreacting, but most of friends have been telling me to move on, but I don't know how to. I cannot find the courage to stop talking to him because I don't know whether it is a "right" thing to do. Honestly, he did make me happy but at the same time, he made me miserable more often than I could even count. Right now, I break down every second because of one thing he said to his ex. He viewed me as a very kind person because I never found a reason to mean to anyone at all whether they deserve it or not. However, he told his ex "kindness alone doesn't hold a relationship together." She told me this herself, and it is heartbroken. I cannot find a way to cope with this because I feel like all there is about me is my kindness, and that's not enough? What else can I do?

In the past when he lied and cheated, I forgave him. I did think about self-harm, but NO NO not this time because I have a bright future ahead of me. The only thing that is hard is that I have been there for him for the past six years, never once I complained. I did everything for him from laundry to cooking, buying food and just sit there when he needed company. I did all that because I was willing to give up and go through everything for him, but now I feel like to him. I don't really mean much. Am I right? My friends all told me to just stop talking to him, ignore him, but I feel so wrong to do that to a human being let alone to someone I care so deeply about. I want to not respond to his text, or pick up the phone calling him but for the past six years, he was the only person I've known. I isolated so many people from my life because of him, and now I am broken, sad, weak, and I have no one to talk to or even remotely run to. I have been talking to his ex girlfriend, and she helped me a lot, even she thinks I should just leave him and he doesn't deserve anyone to care for him. Somehow when he talked to me, I feel comforted but could it be his manipulative character? He told me he wanted to protect me and be there for me, but never once he was there for me or I feel like I was protected, but instead I feel so hurt and broken because of the things he did and said to me. I only left for two weeks, and he already had another girl over. This girl kissed him even though she also has a girlfriend. What are they trying to do? Why did they do this? I don't really know? I don't even know what is it that I deserve anymore. I feel like maybe I deserve all this horrible thing in my life?

I cry every night, I tried to be okay, but I cannot find a reason to be anymore. I went trough the day so depressed and lost. I really don't know what is the right thing to do anymore. Not even right thing, I don't even know anything at this point. All I wanted was the truth from him, but I don't think I will get that because he won't talk to me or gets really upset when I tried to talk to him, or that girl is calling. I don't know if I will be okay because in the back of my head, I won't be content and I don't think anyone out there will even accept me for who I am because really all I have is my kindness. I am not good looking, not tall, don't have much interests because I have been taking care of people. I don't know whether or not I can remotely let go, or even stop talking to him. I don't know if I could be okay ever again.

Please can someone help me and tell me what it is that I need to do to get over this? or to overcome this because I feel like I literally lost the only friend I have ever had in my life. The only person I have ever loved lied to me not only once, but a lot of times. I have lost everything that I ever believed in. I don't know what I could do at this point. Please help!

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20227
   Posted 4/9/2011 11:30 PM (GMT -6)   
he dosen't deserve your kindness. nor your love. i fully understand. i would sever all ties. time is what will help you. you are a decent person and karma will find it's way too you. however you need to grieve this loss. you were with him for some time. he will just keep doing what he has been doing. am sorry for what you went through.....and yes you desrve much better. sending healing compassionate thoughts your way. jamie.

SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , BI-POLAR AFFECTIVE DISORDER AXIS 1

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42499
   Posted 4/10/2011 6:19 AM (GMT -6)   
Kindness is a good thing. In fact it is one of the most important things. So don't feel like you are being belittled for being kind. Compassion comes hard in this world at times. And you are full of it. Being a good person and kind is so important.

It sounds like this guy is having his cake and eating it too. Though I don't know if I would believe all these other things that people are telling you. Keep your relationship between you and him, if you decide to continue it. Try not to listen to all the other people's stories. they could be lieing to you. I would step back from this relationship until you can look at it objectively.

I hope that you can work things out and find a guy that you are worthy of. Or who is worthy of you I should say. You are a good person. People like good people. So never change that.

Keep posting, we are here for you. I know that I probably confused you more than anything and for that I am sorry. Don't give up on life. One day at a time and stay in the moment.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Deann092005
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 4/10/2011 8:57 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you Karen and Jamie. Honestly, I am very confused and heart broken because I didn't think he would do this to me a second time. I am not sure if I want to continue this relationship, but at the same time; I don't know how to end it either. I am afraid that IF I do continue this relationship, once I go back to Boston for school. One thing lead to another and him and that girl will get together and hurt me. She spent night at his apartment even though he said they only talked. There are so much people can talk about at night, and two people in the room night after night is going to lead to something. I just don't know how to even speak up to him about it because I tend to hold things in. And he isn't the easiest person to talk to either. I don't know what to do at this point:-(

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42499
   Posted 4/10/2011 9:48 PM (GMT -6)   
You need to start a life of your own and things will start to fall into place. Get a hobby so that you are too busy to see him. That will give you time to think about it. Counseling is highly recommended for this too. The extra support really helps. I think by gradually stepping back out of the relationship, it will be easier and there wont be any hard feelings. But if you want it done and over with. Just sit down and tell him that you think you would be happier with a life of your own and the two of you just being friends. Or something to that effect. Ummm, (trying to think of more options. Not getting very far. lol). Being honest is the best thing. Tell him that you don't feel right about the girl staying there and that you think it would be better if you both moved on. Try not to make him the bad guy, but don't be the bad guy either. Just let him know you want something different for your life.

I wouldn't like it if some girl was doing that to me. So it is understandable that you are uncomfortable with it. Have they been friends for a long time? If they have, it is easier to understand.

Find things to distract yourself from what is going on. Like I said, maybe a hobby to keep you busy. Maybe even a second job. Or school. Anything constructive to keep your mind occupied.

I am tired, so I am hoping that I make some sense. If I don't, well, then disregard this post. haha... Forgive me.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Deann092005
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 4/10/2011 11:16 PM (GMT -6)   
No, I have been with him for about six years now. And he just met this girl probably about a month. He already told me he cares about her and he is afraid that things might move forward with her. The only reason he said he didn't do anything with her was because she still has a boyfriend. I tried to tell him it was not okay for a "friend" to stay over night, let alone at lot of nights. And they Kissed? He didn't even give me an answer, but got mad at me for being so selfish? I couldn't understand. I am going back to Boston soon, and he will be in Delaware. I plan to ignore him when I go back, but I feel so wrong to ignore someone I truly care for. I wanted to write him a letter, but every time I picked up a pen. I started crying. I really liked origami, and I folded a few really awesome 3D animals, but I have not been interested in doing that at all lately because this situation still on my mind every day. I get to the point where I couldn't eat or sleep either. I really don't know what to do. As far as I know about her, seems like she is two timing her boyfriend too. Because she told her boyfriend that Jon (My boyfriend) is her "gay" friend. So I don't know what are her intentions nor do I know his. I know for a fact that my heart can't take it anymore because he had lied and cheated on me before. I don't want to happen again, but it looks like it is out of my control since I won't be in Delaware. SO I don't know what I should do before I leave. A letter? A miserable conversation where he can turns it around and makes me feel guilty? or Just completely ignore him?

WinterGarden
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 4/11/2011 8:02 AM (GMT -6)   
6 years is a long time to invest in a relationship. Its almost like being married. I went to a site called marriagebuilders.com and learned why people cheat. It eventually helped me feel better. My big takeaway was that you can only control your behaviors not someones elses. It was a painful to come to this realization. But after I began to accept this, it was like a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

Relationships require openness and honesty. Tell him exactly how you feel. He may or may not give you an honest answer. But you have done all you can really do.

You have a lot to offer any man. Remember that you are a beautiful and brilliant woman.

Post Edited (WinterGarden) : 4/11/2011 7:07:36 AM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42499
   Posted 4/11/2011 8:42 AM (GMT -6)   
I kind of get the feeling that he isn't being completely honest with you. Maybe ignoring him at this point would be the best thing. You don't deserve to be lied to like this. I don't know if he is lieing, but from what you have posted, it kind of looks that way. I would persue my education if I were you and see what happens. I am sorry that such a long term relationship could go this sour. But if he is getting defensive with you and treating you like you are being jealous or something, that he is in the wrong somewhere. Please think of you. As WG said, you are a beautiful and brilliant woman. Keep your chin up and keep moving forward.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Deann092005
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 4/12/2011 9:40 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you Karen and WG. Thank you for the support. I just want to post a little update on what happened. I talked to him yesterday, I thought everything went great. Until I found out that he and her took a shower together even though he respects her for having a boyfriend and wouldn't do anything. BUT that was so wrong. I got really upset, and I have never cried so much and felt so betrayed like this. I did harm myself which was bad of me because I was looking for another pain to think about. He told me he cares about me and that he doesn't want to hurt me. I didn't buy that of course. Until I finally calmed down, I finally told him that "I don't want to talk to you for a long time. I want to be able to do something for myself first, and I didn't need anyone to make me happy. I felt like I needed you because you made me happy. I went through so many things with you, and for you to do that to me again? why why why?" He couldn't even give me an answer. He finally told me "she wanted to have sex, and since we couldn't have sex, she asked if she and I could take a shower together." I was even more mad because he didn't say NO! but at the end of the night. I told him "I don't want you texting me, I am not going to get on IChat anymore because I don't want to be disappointed. I am not going to be Okay for along time, but it's fine with me. As long as I know I can get through the day. Then it doesn't matter. I am not going to hurt myself because of you. Yes, I'm going to cry because it hurts so much, but I really can't talk to you until I finally feel like hey it's okay." He didn't really say anything except give me a hug and took me home. Another reason why he took me home because the girl called him and asked to come over. He told her it's not a good time. BUT I had a feelings after he took me home, she still going to be over. SHE didn't have a respect that she has a boyfriend and he has me. So why NOW? of course same goes for him.

I am honestly really sad right now because I feel like I built so much trust in him and it became resentments. I went to marriagebulders.com, but I couldn't force myself to read anything. I can't help but having thoughts of them together. It hurts so much inside, I keep breaking down. I really want to focus on school, but it will be extra hard for me. I know I am only 23, but invested in a 6 years relationship is a long time to take out of one person, and to be treated like this isn't right. I don't know what else I can do to make myself feel better.

P.S you don't even want to know how I found out about all the dirty things he did. He never once told me, he kept lying to me:(

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42499
   Posted 4/13/2011 11:16 AM (GMT -6)   
I am so sorry for this happening. But it is best that you know and move on. This is truly not a healthy relationship for you. He is being selfish and inappropriate. I hope that you quit seeing him and talking to him. I am so sorry that he hurt you. But at least he is being partially honest. Otherwise he wouldn't have told you about the shower. I am really sorry,again... I hope that you can continue to work on yourself to get stronger and over this. Keep posting and know that we all care.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

WinterGarden
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 4/13/2011 4:00 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm truly sorry for your pain. My wife had an affair which broke up our marriage. So I know what you are going through.

What happened had nothing to do with you. He made a really selfish choice. Chances are he will continue to betray women. He clearly does not have good boundaries. He is a destructive child. You are lucky you found out now.

Now is the time to take care of yourself. Spend time with healthy thinking people. Get a pedicure with a friend. And let your self go though the stages of grieving. You will become a stronger, more vibrant mate for a real man.

P

Deann092005
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2010
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 4/13/2011 9:48 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you Karen and WG. I have been trying really hard to not thinking about them two together. He told me today that even if I don't talk to him doesn't mean he will be with her. But what exactly what he told me before about the first time he cheated. He told me he always cares about me. I really want to force myself not to believe anything he says anymore. It is so hard not talking to him, but I am trying my hardest to be stronger and wiser. I have been breaking down a lot lately. I just hope that this won't affect my school work, but seems like lately I have not found the motivation to start on my classwork at all. So hopefully I will find strength within me to through this because I am completely on my own in Boston. I have not met new people to be friends with. And now with the living situation is kind of sticky. So, I have to deal with that along with this unhealthy relationship and heartbroken. However, I'm not going to give up what I have left. I will try hard, but for the current moment. It is really hard to concentrate and focus because there are many bad thoughts in my mind.
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