Posted 4/9/2011 11:08 PM (GMT -6)
Last time I posted an entry about my problem with the "boyfriend" situation. Well I got over that and been kind of happy since then. He changed a lot actually. He would get me flowers to cheer me up and such. Not too long ago, I moved to Boston for school. I'm taking a few classes to apply to Medical School, which has been my long dream. I moved at the beginning of February, I took the train back to celebrate Valentine's day with him. Everything went well. I Went back to Boston. Things got colder and colder between him and I even though I tried so hard to keep in touch. Two-Three weeks later, I found out that he had another girl at his apartment, which he said "nothing happened" and that they only kissed. He even had the nerve to tell me that because talking to her makes him want to treat me better. I found two pictures of them together which hurts me so much. I didn't eat or sleep for two-three days straight. I took the train back to confront him. He told me they only talked about his past, and nothing really happened. But why did he lie to me? Is there any justification for lying? I have been trying to hard to keep my cool and hold in my tears. I tried to be really strong. I got back to my hometown about a week ago for Spring Break, I tried to talk to him, but the girl who is supposedly only his friend called and was crying. Even though I really needed to talk to him, I told him to go help her because seems like she really needed his help. He went and picked her up, took her to his apartment again, but telling me that she didn't sleep over. His roommate told me otherwise. I am very closed with his roommate and she decided to tell me everything. I am heartbroken to know about all of this. What makes me so sad and break down so often is that he is doing this lowlife crap to all over again. It happened once, and his ex girlfriend who contacted me, we chatted and found out all these things he lied to the both of us in the past. I can't find even a single bone in me that could trust him again.
He always said to me "I'm worried about you because I care about you." I cannot think how could someone care about other and do such a bad thing to them? I feel like I was overreacting, but most of friends have been telling me to move on, but I don't know how to. I cannot find the courage to stop talking to him because I don't know whether it is a "right" thing to do. Honestly, he did make me happy but at the same time, he made me miserable more often than I could even count. Right now, I break down every second because of one thing he said to his ex. He viewed me as a very kind person because I never found a reason to mean to anyone at all whether they deserve it or not. However, he told his ex "kindness alone doesn't hold a relationship together." She told me this herself, and it is heartbroken. I cannot find a way to cope with this because I feel like all there is about me is my kindness, and that's not enough? What else can I do?
In the past when he lied and cheated, I forgave him. I did think about self-harm, but NO NO not this time because I have a bright future ahead of me. The only thing that is hard is that I have been there for him for the past six years, never once I complained. I did everything for him from laundry to cooking, buying food and just sit there when he needed company. I did all that because I was willing to give up and go through everything for him, but now I feel like to him. I don't really mean much. Am I right? My friends all told me to just stop talking to him, ignore him, but I feel so wrong to do that to a human being let alone to someone I care so deeply about. I want to not respond to his text, or pick up the phone calling him but for the past six years, he was the only person I've known. I isolated so many people from my life because of him, and now I am broken, sad, weak, and I have no one to talk to or even remotely run to. I have been talking to his ex girlfriend, and she helped me a lot, even she thinks I should just leave him and he doesn't deserve anyone to care for him. Somehow when he talked to me, I feel comforted but could it be his manipulative character? He told me he wanted to protect me and be there for me, but never once he was there for me or I feel like I was protected, but instead I feel so hurt and broken because of the things he did and said to me. I only left for two weeks, and he already had another girl over. This girl kissed him even though she also has a girlfriend. What are they trying to do? Why did they do this? I don't really know? I don't even know what is it that I deserve anymore. I feel like maybe I deserve all this horrible thing in my life?
I cry every night, I tried to be okay, but I cannot find a reason to be anymore. I went trough the day so depressed and lost. I really don't know what is the right thing to do anymore. Not even right thing, I don't even know anything at this point. All I wanted was the truth from him, but I don't think I will get that because he won't talk to me or gets really upset when I tried to talk to him, or that girl is calling. I don't know if I will be okay because in the back of my head, I won't be content and I don't think anyone out there will even accept me for who I am because really all I have is my kindness. I am not good looking, not tall, don't have much interests because I have been taking care of people. I don't know whether or not I can remotely let go, or even stop talking to him. I don't know if I could be okay ever again.
Please can someone help me and tell me what it is that I need to do to get over this? or to overcome this because I feel like I literally lost the only friend I have ever had in my life. The only person I have ever loved lied to me not only once, but a lot of times. I have lost everything that I ever believed in. I don't know what I could do at this point. Please help!