Here I go again writing a bunch of blah, blah, blah that know one will ever read or if they ever did wouldn’t care or care to understand the reason for it! I believe I am truly depressed. It is not just one thing I can point too – it is a variety of things that have an affect on me. If I were to be honest and open with myself the basic fact is that I do not like myself! I do not like my attitude, my appearance, my career, basically my overall lot in life. I do not nor have I ever had thoughts of ending it all or that things would be better without me. I just want things to be different – all things.
The mirror is my nemesis! Its reflection, honest, unconcerned of its impact, reflecting all the flaws no matter how small, whether they are internal or external it shows me all that I hate about myself. My mind races with problems, problems I can not seem to tackle or correct. I was once told that apathy is your worst enemy - I don’t understand why. Not caring seems to be a solution if you don’t care about anything then you shouldn’t be affected – funny it doesn’t work this way. I do care! I want to be part of life – I want life to be part of me.
I have been to a therapist it helped for awhile but it felt like I was being led to a predetermined conclusion or therapeutic approach. I am currently on Lexpro to help with anxiety/depression. It has helped but I still find myself pondering the mistakes or perceived mistakes I have made in my life. It’s like fear paralyzes me sometimes – not literally – but emotionally and as a result I never move forward just stuck in a reoccurring cycle.
As an example….I am 5’ 11” and weigh 263lbs. have high blood pressure (take two medications), have had my right hip replaced three times, have had left knee surgery, both shoulders surgically repaired, and my right ankle requires surgery but there is no guarantees that the surgery would not make it worse. I have been diagnosed with arthritis and basically pain is my daily companion. All this and I am only 47 years old. I know my weight is a major factor in all of this. I recently heard this statement “every day I wake up on a diet and every night I have failed miserably”. I am married w/ three daughters and a grandson with another on the way and this doesn’t even motivate me! I just don’t where to turn or should I even bother to turn!