Well I have posted to www.HealingWell.com and received a few comments mostly take one day at a time, learn to love yourself, and take baby steps. These comments all sound like the right thing to do; but, I don’t know how to get there or take those baby steps. Sitting here at work all I can think about is really how much I hate this job. My job is boring, pointless, and really matters not in the grand scheme of affordable housing. Also, I have absolutely no authority or responsibilities I have been told I am doing well “all that can be expected of me” yet no promotions or recognition have come my way. Life has really got me down. I always dreamed of being important not in the sense of a millionaire or a famous actor; but more in the vain of being important in people’s lives. I no longer have the will to try anymore I always say the wrong thing, act inappropriately etc….I am not a jerk I just don’t care! I always tried doing what others wanted me to do or what I perceived they wanted me to do – not anymore.
I feel like I have been steamrolled – flattened to a point where none of my original features are left. I try to be who others want me to be not who I think I was meant to be. I don’t want to be married, I don’t want this job, I don’t want to take care of my house, I don’t want my mother in-law living with us, I don’t want all the dogs we have, and I wish my children were all self-sufficient and didn’t call us with their problems. But I conform to these responsibilities I don’t know out of a sense of debt to be repaid, a feeling I should do/have to do I don’t know – it just really sucks.
Sorry to dump all this out here just feels better to put in writing even though I know I’ll never do anything about it!