I have been depressed for around 7 years. Before that I was down but not as I am now. I shall display a timeline of events and then explain how I actually feel now.
<13 <2004 - Use to get beaten up and insulted by my biological mother
13 2004 - Dad passes away suddenly
14 2005 - Aunt passes away due to cancer
17 2008 - Aunt passes away due to cancer and Grandad dies of heart attack
19 2010 - Nan passes away due to cancer
So there is the timeline of family passing away.
During 2010 was when I was in the darkest mood and everything else. (The stuff I want to say I am not allowed to say on the Forum but you can imagine.) I use to get bullied a lot in school as well due to having different interests which also happened in college. I have been in bad relationships in the past and so forth. I started fitting in 2010 which made me more depressed and I was on a anti-depressant called Sertaline. Sertaline didnt work I they up my dose to almost max dosage but after my fit I was taking off of them apparently I had anxiety.
So anyhow I was failing my first year of uni. I did not care to be honest, I was course changing. I rarely turned up to lectures but that didnt bother me. So anyhow my course change was approved and I was starting uni again in 2010. There was of course panic about
friends etc. I was called a burden by someone who I thought I was close to.
So I made new friends; ones who I think I will speak to forever. But anyhow in 2011 I was diagnosed with epilepsy, taking pills for life was the idea I wanted. But had to be done I guess. It meant I could not go to gigs or game as much as I did... I guess its worth to mention I had an addiction (still have) to alcohol. I am skint and so forth. Living the life style I had before hand does that to you.
Anyhow.... I managed to get a boyfriend last month (most amazing one I ever had) who has stuck with me despite me losing my temper, watching me fit or as he described it "pushing him away". Last night I thought it was going to be the end of my relationship I was in a dark mood and snapped at him twice that day. I told him slightly on how I felt.
Waking up empty inside, cannot thing what to live for, that my life will end in , that I havent got long left, feeling numb and hollow and can have no emotions due to this. How even joking around cuts into me and how I wish to turn to my former lifestyle... when he said he would dump me if I returned to the former lifestyle (imagine rock n roll lifestyle without the sex).n7steph.webs.com/apps/blog/show/6411100-drugs-and-alcohol-lyrics-
- Some lyrics I wrote about
But yeah at the moment I dont feel well, my brain is thinking about
the thoughts are rushing in but my heart says no. I use to be religious but now I am unsure and the only way to forget is through alcohol. I guess I am asking for a cry for help, long term support but not with a councillor I have to see face to face. Samartians had given up on me and so did Nightline. My boyfriend does not understand it feels, he tells me to use my advice to those who I give it to but I do not. My circumstances are different. I am 20 now, been depressed since 13 and to be honest I do not think I will get out of this ever and maybe in a few years.n7steph.webs.com/apps/blog/show/6715341-game
- Wrote these yesterday.
And the rest of the blog can be seen here:n7steph.webs.com/apps/blog/?page=2
(as a disclaimer I own all of the posts which have been copyrighted).
I just do not know who I am anymore.
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 4/15/2011 7:36:34 AM (GMT-6)