Where do we go from here? How do I help?

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ladymh
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 4/15/2011 10:36 AM (GMT -6)   
My husband has been suffering from anxiety and depression for a number of years. For the most part, his issues (I believe) stem from abuse as a child - memories of which have started to resurface over the last 2 years. In the fall he suffered a major psychotic break and was hospitalized for several days - basically just long enough to get moderately stable on a new drug regime. Since then, he has been scheduled to see his psych doctor twice (once every 3 months) for a 15 minute or so visit. Basically, the doc asks him if his meds are okay and sends him on his way. My husband has returned to the hospital twice while feeling really low/borderline suicidal - both times he met with a councilor for an hour or so before he was just sent home. Every time he has met with a professional, his claims/issues of abuse are practically ignored - he is told he is coping well enough and is lucky he can.

The issue is he is not coping! Every few weeks he has a major low - as I said above, sometimes bad enough for the suicidal thoughts to come in and for a visit to the hospital to become necessary. I am no expert, but I think he needs to confront his feelings about the abuse. He feels he just needs to keep them inside so that it all stops with him. He often says he needs to hurry up and die so the chain of abuse and victims is completely ended. (he is currently the last victim alive). Why is no one helping him?? Is this really not a big deal as all the mental health professionals here seem to think?

I need to fix this. I love him and I want our marriage to stay strong, but I don't know how much longer I can handle the ups and downs. Because of the new memories of abuse, it has also come to light that he has difficulty being intimate in our marriage without "flashing back" - so that part of our marriage is now done.

I don't know what to do, I don't know where to go. Something needs to be done - for his sake, for our marriage's sake, for our kids sake. I'm not sure what I expect you all to do, but thanks for listening. If you have any suggestions of where we should go from here, that would be great. At the moment my hubby has checked into a hotel for the night so he can "deal" with his feelings (he doesn't want to be upset in front of the kids) I don't know what state he will be in come morning, and what we should do....

Faunts
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 48
   Posted 4/15/2011 10:44 AM (GMT -6)   
I am sorry to read this and see that you are suffering.

I know what its like to wanting to go, to stop everything and to let go, life is so much easier. Councillors do not work and it seems that they do not work for your husband either.

People tend to ignore those who are being depressed, give them drugs and move on. You need to be the ear to your husband, remind him of the happy memories. He is mentally scarred from the incident and he will not move on overnight. Re insure him he will be alright, try getting him to talk to someone who isnt a "medical professional" like a friend or random stranger on the internet or email Samartians.

Medical Professionals did not work on me so I joined this forum to get help, maybe you should recommended he does the same.

Keep strong just listen to what he has to say, be there when he is down. Depression is hard to deal with in relationships and I guess my boyfriend can say that as he has to deal with me. But stick with him maybe you are his last bit of hope.

Steph xx
"I need you to recover . 'Cause I can't make it on my own!" - Faunts

Depression
Complex Partial Photosensitive Epilepsy - 1000mg Keppra
Dyslexic and Dyspraxtic

Anyone want to talk? Feel free to message me.

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 4/15/2011 11:07 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello, Ladymh, I'm glad you decided to join the members of the
Depression Forum. You'll find some very compassionate people here
who have experienced depression and who will be along to recommend
help and encouragement for you in your ordeal right now.

I'm not a doctor, but I have some experience with the medical field
in the treatment of depression and can tell you that, from my point of view, your husband needs a psychotherapist whose style suits your
husband's personality. He definitely needs psychological help in getting out the abuse with a professional who deals with that. Keeping it inside does not make it go away, Ladymh; it just causes it to grow more intense until psychotic episodes erupt or the patient becomes unable to function successfully.

Please encourage him to seek appropriate counselling and make sure
that he maintains the medications that work. Getting By, our forum
moderator, will tell you that she saw several different specialists until
she found the personality in a doctor with whom she could resonate
extremely well, and she had several changes in medications along the way.

I can sympathize with both you and your husband. Traumatic stress
needs to be discussed with the specialists. If the psychiatrist is there for medication evaluation only, that's not enough--far from it. It is the role
that many of them maintain, however, and psychotherapy is an additional service some render.

Take care and wait to hear from others here. They know what they're
talking about and are glad to share their efforts to help.

How are you faring? Have you considered some counselling to help you keep strong during all the difficulty? I wouldn't hesitate to get it if you feel that you are weakened and distraught regarding your husband's condition. That would be a very natural reaction, in my view.

Take care of yourself, also, so that you will be able to help everyone in your family.

With best wishes for increasingly improved home environment for you,
Ladymh.

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 4/15/2011 5:12:13 PM (GMT-6)


ladymh
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 4/15/2011 11:18 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks so much It's Genetic and Faunts for your quick replies.

It's Genetic - I guess I have some research to do, I'm sure there is not even a psychotherapist here. There is one psychologist for our entire town of 10,000. He is intensely overworked and I'm sure that results in his reliance on drugs to get his patients by. As for me, I have considered counselling myself and did bring that up with my husband last night. I was afraid it would just make him feel worse/guilty that he is causing me worry, but he took it quite well.

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 4/15/2011 11:29 AM (GMT -6)   
Very good, Ladymh. Your husband knows that you're on his side when you discuss thinking about getting therapy yourself. That's an excellent route to take, in my view, and it can be so helpful for everyone in the family. It is probably an encouragement to your husband to know that people are supporting him and giving him stability. That's so important.

Within a community of 10,000, everyone knows everyone else's business, probably, although in this day and age most people are literate about the chemical imbalances in the brain that cause problems for some of us, so you shouldn't hesitate to try to reach a psychologist where you are. You'd be surprised how compassionate and helpful they are, and he will probably try to make room for accommodating your husband's needs and yours, as well, (separately, of course, to insure feelings of security about saying anything you wish). If he is booked too heavily, ask for a recommendation of one whom you might see in another area.

Hopefully, others will be along with their thoughts, and the more ideas you get, the more choices you may have from which to choose.

Talk to you later.

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 4/15/2011 5:10:47 PM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42434
   Posted 4/15/2011 11:35 AM (GMT -6)   
You may have to travel a little to get the right type of counseling. I drive 50 miles to see my psychologist. But I only have to go every other month now.

Do know that your husband's mind will protect him from remembering too much too soon. That is why he only gets bits and pieces. Coming to terms with what has happened in our past is a slow process. Maybe get some books on repressed memories. Just know that it wont all come flooding back if he can't handle it. Maybe he should be writing things down when he remembers them. Sometimes that helps. He could be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. But like I said, the process is generally slow to protect us from the memories. Know that changes in the seasons seem to bring back memories too.

Try to be patient. I agree with IG that you could probably benefit with some counseling too to get you through this. There is help out there, it is just sometimes hard to find the right fit. But it will come.

Keep posting and know everybody here cares.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

ladymh
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 4/15/2011 11:44 AM (GMT -6)   
It's Genetic - My error, I stated there is one psychologist when I meant one psychiatrist. (The one my husband currently sees). I'm not sure if there is a psychologist available here, but there is a councelling service and I will be contacting them today.

We have looked into other medical professionals. Our other options are traveling to a small city 2.5 hours away, or a larger city 3.5 hours away for appointments. My husband has anxiety issues with traveling as well, so at the time we didn't believe the distance was worth the options. It will be something to consider now, however.

ladymh
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 4/15/2011 11:46 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you for your response, Karen. I will suggest the journal to my husband and I will see if I can find any books to read. It is a tough journey to be sure - at this point we need to find a guide to help us all through it.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42434
   Posted 4/15/2011 12:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Know that we are all here for you during these steps. I really think reading on repressed memories would help. I get most of my books off of amazon and you can even get used ones. You have a journey ahead of you but know for sure that his mind is protecting him by only giving out a little information at the time. He wont have a breakdown or anything from it. The mind is so powerful. But tell him not to force it. Take it as it comes. And I think some books on ptsd would help too.

Best wishes to you, know that we are here for you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 4/15/2011 2:24 PM (GMT -6)   
Well, Ladymh, it seems that things are looking up already. I'm so glad you
made the appointment today for assisting you to cope with your husband's problems. You're going to feel so much better very soon, and I wouldn't hesitate to take a mild tranquillizer if your physician recommends it. That will alleviate the distress, definitely.

You're on a very pleasant journey from here on out, I would think. Keep us posted on how things are for you during the coming weeks so that everyone may offer help if possible.

Thanks for checking in today.

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 4/15/2011 5:15:31 PM (GMT-6)


Faunts
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 48
   Posted 4/15/2011 2:45 PM (GMT -6)   
I hope you husband gets better :) Remember stay strong.

Steph xx
"I need you to recover . 'Cause I can't make it on my own!" - Faunts

Depression
Complex Partial Photosensitive Epilepsy - 1000mg Keppra
Dyslexic and Dyspraxtic

Anyone want to talk? Feel free to message me.
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