Well these last couple of days have been roller coaster like to say the least. I can go from being in a pretty good mood, to stressed out of my freakin mind, to feelings of unreality, to out of body experiences, back to feeling decent again, then right through the cycle all over again. I know this is probably because of my amazingly bad habit I fell into this last year or so of judging how I'm feeling/thinking. I find myself very frustrated at a lot of things, and a lot of things that i can't really change. The fact that I'm 25 and really don't have any sort of career path set. The fact that I'm single, the fact that as I'm getting older my friends are starting to distance a bit. (I dont think this is really just me, I think this is just kind of how it goes). The fact that I'm in a job right now in which I am not really that happy with, but it is providing some income though so I can't realy afford to leave it. Things I think about constantly are how do I get out of this miserable cycle of working in a job that i really don't like and coming home and just lying around the house watching tv shows or complaining?
I was up late last night and was watching an informercial on anxiety/depression (no I didnt buy anything lol) but one point they made that I do agree with was that they had people on there that sounded a lot like me. They were saying when they were having their bad times witha nxiety/depression they were told to do anythinga nd to stay active. Well that's what I started doing, now that's what I still do mostly. I just try and do everything and anything to try and keep myself busy if I can. This has resulted in buying stupid things that I don't use, stupid games that I don't play, or investing in gyms or workout gear that I really don't need. Examples would be just going to sports authority and buying some stuff in the afternoon just to get out of the house and to kill an hour. My finances are really in the crapter lately because of this. But the imfomercial said that you have to get to a point where you again feel like "Doing nothing is ok". I feel now that when I'm sitting around and watching a show and just vegging out, that I'm WASTING time or that I'm SICK or DEPRESSED. It might not even be the case, but that's whta goes through my head when I lie down and try to relax. You can see how self defeating that kind of mindset is when I'm just trying to relax.
I'm trying to work on all this stuff and this therapist now just keeps booking me for weekly appointments. He really pissed me off last session by referring to my family as ignorant italian immigrants. I still think he's a smart guy, but tha twas an arrogant statement. Combine that with the fact that I have to keep paying this therapist 40 a week I'm thinking more and more that I might ask him to go on a semi weekly basis. 160 a month for talk therapy is A LOT. I need to start being smart about my money.
I have classes that I signed up for starting up this summer and again in the fall. I'm praying that I can actually succeed and do well in school this time around. I always seem to lose focus, lose interest, and drop out. I really need to find a career in something I like, and I'm really hoping I can find what I'm looking for by making this change of majors in the university in which I already have an associates with.
Just spending a lot of time thinking how strange I feel though. How I feel like I'm not even here and like my head is floating or something. Really strange crap. Only one thing I can do though I guess, keep on keeping on.