I think I suffer from some severe problems that are destroying my life.
1. Why do I lie about
I have been lying since i was young I am 18 years old now it started it out as just little kid stuff but over the years i started lying to make myself sounds "cooler" in a sense and then started lying about
things that i was capable then it evolved to currently lying about
every thing literally even things that i wouldnt even need to lie about
such as my mom would ask did you leave that plate there and i would just say no or she would ask me questions and i would just idk its not mine or it wasnt me. I dont want to lie i just do its like saying a lie is more comfortable than just telling the truth.
2. Why do I steal so much?
I started stealing when i was about
8 the first thing i stole was a pen from the store this has since grown to a compulsive stealing, I steal from anyone and everyone without caring I hate myself for this and don't want to be like this if I go to a store I will steal something even if its just a candy bar or something stupid I steal money from my parents I steal valuables from people and everything I have an obsession for stealing and i don't know why and I hate it so much
4. Why am I stuck in my head?
Another problem that I have is that I can not express my feelings I feel extreme discomfort when confronted about
my personal life no matter who it is, I have trouble making conversations with people and don't understand how everyone else is so outgoing and can come up with conversations so much like they do I am just unable to do this I am extremely anti-social.
5. Why don't I care about
I have noticed that I just don't care about
anything anymore and have no motivation to do anything, I dont care about
the way people feel, I dont think before I do things that I should clearly know not to do but i just do these things.
Other problems that I have:
I feel like everyone is better than me
I am underweight
I feel that everyone is judging me and I don't live up to the standards of others
I am extremely self conscious,
I hate myself, I hate life,
I feel that there is no point to even try and make my life better.
When I get angry I say things to hurt to hurt that person even my mom and I have said some things to hurt her and I think she hates me now.
I never apologize for anything I do and this has made my mom hate me more.
I feel like there isn't anyone that cares about
me anymore and I have pushed everyone away and there is nothing I can do to fix it anymore.
All I have ever had was my mother to be there for me and all i did was lie to her steal from her and now she doesn't want me anymore she told me today that the only reason she hasn't kicked me out is because my younger brothers wouldn't understand why and she doesn't want to tell them everything I have done.
Just today me and my mom got into an argument about
me getting bird food by accident when i was supposed to get guinea pig food she got mad that I didn't apologize and she started yelling at me and i told her im not gunna apologize to her if shes gunna yell at me and she got more mad and she got in my face and I pushed her back down onto her bed and she got back up and yelled more so I pushed her again and then she punched in the side of my head under my ear so I slammed her into her door and dislocated her arm.
the only person i had left to talk to was my nana(grandmother) but she passed away in may '2010 I freaked out on that day and wanted to kill the paramedics for not saving her ever since then I felt horrible because I never really came to her house recently she only live 2 mintues walking away and i dont even remember the last time i told her "i love you".
My father died before I was born (2 weeks prior) he hung himself because he was going to jail for 1 year for something that wasn't his fault and my mother said she wouldn't bring me into a prison to see him.
I dont know what to do with myself I am in counseling but I cant
open up to them i dont know why or how or what do anymore.
Is living really even worth it when i've created such a bad reputation for myself already and made so many people hate me and stop believing me and not know what to do with me.
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 4/18/2011 7:26:10 AM (GMT-6)