Posted 4/25/2011 7:03 PM (GMT -6)
Yeah, I'm in counseling. I stress out about too many things. I'm always ahead, even when I don't want to be. I'm a metonymic thinker, so my mind jumps all the time. I'm only really ever okay when I've delved into my homework, and sometimes that doesn't work either. I feel like I need a break, and then when I'm on a break, I feel like I need to be busy. "When I was there, I wanted to be here; and I was here, I wanted to be there." I want to like the present, but I'm always stuck in the future.
This is partly because my therapist told me I'm "the hero" of my family. My dad's an alcoholic, so I assumed the I-will-fix-everything-if-I-get-As mode. Despite the fact that I know I can't change my father or my mother (who caved every time to him for the past ten years), I still want to be the hero. I want to be the reason why my mom put up with my dad. I want to be the success so that I won't have to ever be stuck in a situation like my mom, where she was dependent on him for everything. I don't want to fix the family; I just want to be free and my mom to be proud of it.
I go to my mom for everything, but she doesn't understand my depression. She thinks that she and my father "screwed me up as a child," and sometimes she asks if I'm crazy. So I really don't have a safe haven to go to and ask for help because I feel afraid that someone's going to send me to a crazy house or something, or that someone will tell me that I'm a danger to myself and will lock me up somewhere. That's what I'm petrified of. I am not a danger to myself in most situations. It's only when I am vulnerable, and when things have escalated far beyond my emotional control. I really need to know if I actually am crazy, and my therapist really can't tell me that because I only see her every three weeks or so ($90 doctor bills are the greatest for my parents, especially when my dad doesn't believe in therapy, partly because my grandfather was a shrink, an insane one at that).
Sometimes I deny that my problems exist. I tell myself that this is all normal and that there's no way I can be crazy like other people (Hollywood crazy). This is partly because I have to deny my craziness or whatever it is to my parents. They can't know that I sometimes think of suicide because I'm the hero. Heroes are perfect.
So I'm messed up because I'm trying to be the hero and deny that I'm messed up. Now isn't that messed up?
So how do I tell my mom that I'm "messed up" but still normal? Still functional? As in, not going to do what she fears?
Concerning self-esteem, my counselor told me to stop focusing on what I think others think of me and just "think about me." That's too simple for me to understand.
My self-esteem has always been kind of low. I was always the innocent kid who got her feelings hurt when someone didn't like me or didn't want to play. I just didn't get why people were so mean. Now it's turned into something bigger--I constantly obsess about what I think others are thinking about me. It turns friends away from me, and I end up alone. All the time.
I push everyone away because I'm worried that they'll leave. Yeah, another one of those messed up situations.
Anyone could say, "well stop obsessing and you'll be fine" or "stop trying to be the hero and you'll be fine." But I obsess for control, and I'm the hero for control. Obsessing has been my life--I cannot touch food without washing my hands, even after I barely touch something else. And being the hero is my life--I want to escape this cycle of alcoholism.
Where's the line between fixing my problems and avoiding the traps set by a family destroyed by alcoholism? Either I stop obsessing and stop being the hero and take the risk of losing my control and not having an adequate education to the point where I become dependent, or I keep up this obsessing and hero-driven actions until I actually go insane from too much self-pressure/stress. Where's the balance? The line?
Sometimes I wish my mom would have left my dad before I was born. I would have been stupid without my education, but maybe I wouldn't have been so twisted inside.