high and low. and then really low

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New Member

Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 4/18/2011 10:17 PM (GMT -6)   
I never used to have a huge problem with dealing with my sad emotions. I'm used to going through cycles of ups and downs. And when the downs came, they usually attacked me at my lowest, like when my self-esteem was low. But now it's different.
I'm starting to feel these "downs" more frequently. I'm worried that I will not be able to fix this before I take a major step in my life and go to college. I used to think that college would fix this on its own. However, I'm starting to realize that these downs are clouding my perception in places outside my home.

Here's some context:

I've had anger issues ever since I was little, but I only ever let them get out of control at home. I used to break physical objects when I was 7 or 9, but now I snap at my family. Recently, however, I've felt like verbally attacking my friends or destroying property. I did not act on these impulses, but it was very strange to me to see them outside of my norm at home.

When I'm at my lowest, I feel purposeless. To give you a perspective, I dedicate my entire life to academics, so I have rarely any time to socialize or do fun activities. So when I am at my lowest and try to make it better by doing fun things, things that used to be fun just aren't fun. They actually make me sadder because I do not enjoy them. And then I start to become my own bully: I can hear myself say (in my mind) "No one likes you" or "You have no friends" "No one would care if you disappeared" or "All of your efforts to succeed in life are worthless." This feeling of purposelessness really gets to me. I cry or I hide it by telling myself to shut up, either to myself or under my breath.

The problem is, I can't hide it from other people any more. People are going to start to see it come out in me, and I really don't want to, for one, feel this way, and two, reveal to people that I might be a nutcase. Thirdly, my denial of the issue is getting too out of hand. I've been depressed for quite some time, partly because I sacrifice my present for the future. I study so I can be successful. I stop thinking about today, and I only think about what tomorrow could be. I'm living three steps ahead, and I think I need to take a step back.

Thoughts? Suggestions? How should I handle all this in college? I really appreciate anything you have to say :)


Regular Member

Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 262
   Posted 4/19/2011 8:01 AM (GMT -6)   
well it soudns like you are struggling with self esteem issues, which many of us here do as well, me especially. Are you in any type of counceling for your anger issues? It may be a good idea to get into see someone before you go off to college to help you with the transition.

Another thing that is big here is trying to live in the moments instead of living three steps ahead of yourself. I have had this problem for a long time and am just now starting to get over it. I always said, well i just have to get through this and things will be better, i just have to do that and things will be better. But they NEVER do get better because even when i get to the end goal i already have another one in my head, its a never ending cycle. Living in the moment really will help you get your life back, and its hard to do, i wouldn't be able to do it without my therapist. Don't sacrafice your present self for what you think will make your future self happy. College is supposed to be as fun and it is academic (IMO) keep us posted.
When the only tool you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

with your past and your future precisely divided, Am I at that moment?. . I haven't decided.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42610
   Posted 4/19/2011 8:07 AM (GMT -6)   
My suggestion is to take it one day at a time. If you are having trouble living in the moment, then maybe talk to a therapist or get a book on staying in the now. It really helps. I also write things down that are on my mind so I don't forget. That helps a lot. It sounds like your mind is jumping alll over the place right now. Keep moving forward, but slower. You can do this. I would talk to somebody about the anger issue too. You can get that under control. Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

New Member

Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 4/25/2011 8:03 PM (GMT -6)   
Yeah, I'm in counseling. I stress out about too many things. I'm always ahead, even when I don't want to be. I'm a metonymic thinker, so my mind jumps all the time. I'm only really ever okay when I've delved into my homework, and sometimes that doesn't work either. I feel like I need a break, and then when I'm on a break, I feel like I need to be busy. "When I was there, I wanted to be here; and I was here, I wanted to be there." I want to like the present, but I'm always stuck in the future.

This is partly because my therapist told me I'm "the hero" of my family. My dad's an alcoholic, so I assumed the I-will-fix-everything-if-I-get-As mode. Despite the fact that I know I can't change my father or my mother (who caved every time to him for the past ten years), I still want to be the hero. I want to be the reason why my mom put up with my dad. I want to be the success so that I won't have to ever be stuck in a situation like my mom, where she was dependent on him for everything. I don't want to fix the family; I just want to be free and my mom to be proud of it.

I go to my mom for everything, but she doesn't understand my depression. She thinks that she and my father "screwed me up as a child," and sometimes she asks if I'm crazy. So I really don't have a safe haven to go to and ask for help because I feel afraid that someone's going to send me to a crazy house or something, or that someone will tell me that I'm a danger to myself and will lock me up somewhere. That's what I'm petrified of. I am not a danger to myself in most situations. It's only when I am vulnerable, and when things have escalated far beyond my emotional control. I really need to know if I actually am crazy, and my therapist really can't tell me that because I only see her every three weeks or so ($90 doctor bills are the greatest for my parents, especially when my dad doesn't believe in therapy, partly because my grandfather was a shrink, an insane one at that).

Sometimes I deny that my problems exist. I tell myself that this is all normal and that there's no way I can be crazy like other people (Hollywood crazy). This is partly because I have to deny my craziness or whatever it is to my parents. They can't know that I sometimes think of suicide because I'm the hero. Heroes are perfect.

So I'm messed up because I'm trying to be the hero and deny that I'm messed up. Now isn't that messed up?

So how do I tell my mom that I'm "messed up" but still normal? Still functional? As in, not going to do what she fears?

Concerning self-esteem, my counselor told me to stop focusing on what I think others think of me and just "think about me." That's too simple for me to understand.

My self-esteem has always been kind of low. I was always the innocent kid who got her feelings hurt when someone didn't like me or didn't want to play. I just didn't get why people were so mean. Now it's turned into something bigger--I constantly obsess about what I think others are thinking about me. It turns friends away from me, and I end up alone. All the time.

I push everyone away because I'm worried that they'll leave. Yeah, another one of those messed up situations.

Anyone could say, "well stop obsessing and you'll be fine" or "stop trying to be the hero and you'll be fine." But I obsess for control, and I'm the hero for control. Obsessing has been my life--I cannot touch food without washing my hands, even after I barely touch something else. And being the hero is my life--I want to escape this cycle of alcoholism.

Where's the line between fixing my problems and avoiding the traps set by a family destroyed by alcoholism? Either I stop obsessing and stop being the hero and take the risk of losing my control and not having an adequate education to the point where I become dependent, or I keep up this obsessing and hero-driven actions until I actually go insane from too much self-pressure/stress. Where's the balance? The line?

Sometimes I wish my mom would have left my dad before I was born. I would have been stupid without my education, but maybe I wouldn't have been so twisted inside.
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