New here - His Depression Is Killing Our Marriage. Support Wanted Please.

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Ira
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 4/22/2011 12:51 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi. I am brand new here, seeking help for my marriage.

This is rather hard to explain but I will do my best.

My husband of 20 yrs and I have always had a difficult marriage.

Everything always has been good as long as life is going well. As soon as we hit a speed bump in life, he goes blank. This has caused uncountable fights between us. I have always had to make all the decisions and choices about everything. I am now ashamed of the things I said to him during those fights.

about 3 months ago it finally hit me. I thought he had the early stage of Alzheimer. After going to see a Dr and then several specialist we now know that he has chronic severe depression. The Drs feel he has had this for many years.

Thankfully we got lucky with the right med right away - kind of.

And this is the issue that brings me here.

This may seem funny or non important to some people, but to me it is very important.

How do I know what is his depression and what is him just being a man confused

The med has majorly helped with his temper, but there is still many issues.
Examples, he won't do anything without me telling him to. I mean anything! Take the dog out, eat, get up, go to work. He won't even do fun things unless I tell him to, fishing, hunting, watch a movie.

He says his brain is a blur and that his brain is fried. He must tell me this 4 to 6 times a week.

Let me give you a step by step example. We rented a rug cleaner machine. I told him to take it back last Tuesday. I got really sick with a bug and have been mostly in bed since then. I come out to the dinning room tonight and there is the machine! I blow up. He passed this machine and had to step around it at least 50 times in the past few days. He says "my brain is fried".

OK so what is the depression and what is him just being a man?

He never pays me a complement. I mean I could put on a wedding gown and he would say nothing. I asked him why, he says "I don't notice anything any different my brain is fried".

I could go on and on, but hopefully you get the general idea.

My friends complain about such behavior from their spouses. Maybe not to this degree. So how do I know what is depression that I just need to deal with and what is him just being a man that needs his wife to adjust his attitude? wink

Also his Dr looks to me to find out how he is doing. I am not sure as I don't know what is the depression.

Also since I am sick right now I want to ask another question. When I have any health issue he runs. I mean he RUNS!!! I had to have emergency surgery and he took me to the hospital and as soon as the Dr said I needed surgery, he left me. He came back three days later to pick me up!!
ANY medical issue I have he gets mean and nasty with me or acts like there is nothing wrong. Like he won't say how are you feeling or help me in any way.
Is this a typical action of a depressed person. Or is he being a jacka*s?


PS: I have a lot more questions about depression and marriage but will save those for another time.

Post Edited (Ira) : 4/22/2011 12:29:41 AM (GMT-6)


Geosojda
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 262
   Posted 4/22/2011 7:44 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Ira and welcome to HW, sounds like you have a tough situation on your hands. As far as what is depression and what is "man" stuff, its really hard to say because i don't know him but when my depression is getting me down i do similar things as him, ignore housework etc...and a lot of what you have said does describe depression, But it does sort of sound like he is using his depression as an excuse. It also sounds like he has many more issues to deal with other than the depression, who would leave their spouse right before surgery?

IS he seeing a pDoc? Sounds like he isn't if the Doc is only looking to you to find out how he is doing. You can't exactly tell him what his thoughts/feeling are. One thing that is just impossible to convey to people that don't have depression is exactly what depression makes you feel. Saying you feel like there is no hope just doesn't describe what hopelessness (sp?) really feels like. Its probably time to get him into a therapist so he can work on these issues. Hope you guys can work it out, keep us posted.
When the only tool you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

with your past and your future precisely divided, Am I at that moment?. . I haven't decided.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42611
   Posted 4/22/2011 8:40 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Ia,

Welcome to the depression forum. If he keeps saying that his brain is fried, maybe it is. Maybe he isn't on the right meds, I would metntion that to the doc. Or get him a psychiatrist. I really hope that things work out in your marriage. Keep us posted.

Sorry this is short, I just woke up. Still getting the coffee in me. I will write more later.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 4/22/2011 10:44 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi, Ira,

Twenty years of a difficult marriage is enough to warrant your effort
to strike out on your own or to get a good psychiatrist who will try to
open things for you so that you can see what's at the bottom of this man's illness. Many women try to get help after two years of unhappy
circumstances.

He has issues that need to be dealt with now, not later.
There's no need for you to endure the kind of treatment and behaviour this man is exhibiting. If this has gone on for years, your own health has been jeopardized.

Get away from him for some time if your psychiatrist feels that he can be left safely alone. If he can't, then he needs medically supervised assistance. Ask your psychiatrist about help for that if the doctor feels
the man needs it. If your husband refuses the help, keep your distance and continue to work with your physician for your own recovery. Take it one day at a time involving him as little as possible until your health is restored. Frankly, I think you need to be concerned about your own well-being now and the effect this has had on your spirit and physical condition.

Try to stop the guilt you're putting yourself through; he is a physically
and psychiatrically ill man. It isn't anyone's fault.

Your marriage might be restored if the physicians are able to bring back his level of thinking to an effective state. If that's what you want, keep the faith.

Have you been told that he definitely does not have Alzheimer's Disease? I wonder about that, too. Depression will respond in just weeks to the newer medications if it's a chemical imbalance. He will need psychotherapy, as well.

Take care of yourself in the meantime; let us know how things go for you in the coming weeks while you try to change the status quo.

It's Genetic

Ira
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 4/22/2011 2:58 PM (GMT -6)   
Yes he sees a Dr but the Dr always looks at me and says "so how is he really doing". All he tells Dr is he feels less intense inside.

Wow 2 yrs and here I am 20+ yrs now.

He bails on me for anything medical. Like I explained I have a bug right now and we hardly see each other - he hates anything medical with me and avoids me. I am OK with it as he is mean to me when I am sick.

I have wonder about if he is on the right meds. He takes ( crap I forgot the name too lazy to get up and look lol ) Ly 40 mg. something. Any ways it has stopped his rages. Thank God!!!!!!!!!

But that is all it has really helped with.

I just don't want him on more meds needlessly. Like if he is just being a "but" and we go to the Dr and tell him all these things going on I know the Dr will add more meds. Which if they help - good.
However if he is just being a bum but blaming the depression then not good.

I am confused so don't mind me if this does not make much sense.

I am very grateful to all of you for your help :)

Ira
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 4/22/2011 3:13 PM (GMT -6)   
Here is a perfect example that just happened a few minutes ago. He had to go get our dog from the groomer. I asked him when he got back to pick up some boneless chicken breasts from the deli - the kind that are all ready cooked. We got into a fight. He says "explain this to me". ah say what? Cooked chicken breasts at the deli.

He was totally confused. Mind you he just went and bought these for us 2 weeks ago. So I kept saying "the ones you bought and ate 2 weeks ago".
He kept claiming he needed me to explain it better.

So I feel bad for yelling at him and call him on cell. I say "honey they are always in the same spot at the deli" and I go on to explain where they are always at.

He responds with "I KNOW"!!!

Huh???

Some times I swear he is messing with my head!!

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 4/22/2011 4:03 PM (GMT -6)   
Ira, you need to get well from the virus you have and go in to
see his doctor. Talk with him honestly about what's happening.
Things are going on that indicate you need to know more about
the real nature of his illness. If you are not seeing a psychiatrist,
but a general practitioner, you need to get in touch with a specialist.

It sounds as if something else is going on in your home besides depression. Rage? Do you really have that in your home, as well?
Is it possible that other kinds of drugs are involved--other than
prescription drugs given by the physician? You really need help in
your situation. Try to get it as soon as you are well.

I'm sorry to see this happening to you.

It's Genetic

Ira
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 4/22/2011 4:39 PM (GMT -6)   
Oh my no! There are not any other meds/drugs or anything being used.

I am upset that I some how gave that idea here.

His rage is under control with the med - he is just very pissy most of the time.

Almost EVERYTHING is a HUGE ordeal.

What should be a normal event turns into a big deal.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42611
   Posted 4/22/2011 4:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Ira,

Are you getting any support for yourself, such as counseling? I think that this is very hard on you and that you could use the extra support and direction. I know that this has to be a handful for you. It isn't easy living around somebody like that. I use to have to deal with my mother's rage when I was a kid. Always walking on eggshells. It took a toll on me.

Do take care of you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Ira
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 4/22/2011 5:09 PM (GMT -6)   
IF I KNEW his actions were from the depression I could handle life SO much better. That is why I am posting. His Dr tells me this is all the depression, but sometimes I feel like I am being "duped" ( used ) by him and he hides his behaviors behind the depression label.

I DO have a way to escape at least 80% of this but IF it's his depression then that would be wrong to do.

He works the mid night shift. I work from home and can just switch my shift to day light and then I would rarely see him and have to deal with this.

BUT I need to know first if he is being a bum about most things before I take this step.

IF it is the depression then yes I will seek my own support and stand by him and support him. IF he is just using the depression label to get away with being difficult and mean to me - then I will switch my work hours.

This just happened.

Me: Did you call about the car part today?
Him: NO!!
Me: Why?
Him: I forgot
Me: It's written down in your note area
Him: F U! My brain is just fried and I Fing forgot!
Me: What happened to fry your brain today?
Him: Fing everything! I had to go get the dog, pick up chicken for you. I can't do everything ya know. I am FRIED!!

That may seem like rage to some of you - trust me that is not his rage. Just his nasty potty mouth to me.. his rage was MUCH worse before meds.

That example is what I am talking about though - so is that depression and he really can't handle simple life things? Or is he just being a but head?

I really really wish I knew :(

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 4/22/2011 5:47 PM (GMT -6)   
You are a conscientious woman, Ira, and you can find out whether
he's being pretentious with you. In a way, I tend to doubt it, but
you do need to learn if that's so. And you need to be seeing the
doctor alone so that you can open your heart to the doctor and learn what the real truth is. (Interestingly, when the doctor asks for your
opinion on how he is, he might be suspecting that the man is playing a little game. But who knows?)

Make it a point in your life to find out; then make your decisions.

We're all here to support you not to try to put you down. I can see
your genuine need to get to the bottom of it all. You will, believe us.

Have a nice Easter, too, Ira, and get some good quiet rest from all
these worries you have carried for so many years.

It's Genetic

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42611
   Posted 4/22/2011 6:45 PM (GMT -6)   
He might need more medication. It sounds to me like the doc is on the right track, but maybe he requires an increase. You could talk to the doc about that and see what he says. I am really worried about what this is doing to you. It must be hard to cope with this behavior. It sounds like he is very unhappy. I hope that the meds aren't frying his brain. But you said he was better than he was before meds, so I have a feeling they are helping, but I don't know that it is enough. I understand it is hard for you. This could even be his personality. Do you remember a time when he wasn't like this? And was nice to you? You deserve somebody to treat you well. I hope that he gets better and does. No matter what we are all behind you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Ira
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 4/22/2011 7:52 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank You Both SO very much!!!!!!! I did a lot of thinking since my last post.
In between my last post and this one there were 2 "events" here at home that led to him yelling & swearing at me.

The last event ended with him yelling Don't you get it I am just a ignorant bast**d. He was being smart. BUT it made me really think. Hmmmmmm? Maybe he really is.
Then I came here and read the question of do I ever remember when he was not like this.
Not counting the honey moon of dating lol No. I can't say I walked into this blind. He was always like this. Just not to this degree and not as often. As time goes on it does seem to get worse. I do acknowledge that a part of that may very well be my own tolerance for it is getting less ;)


As I see it I have two main choices.

1. I can keep fighting to make him and us ( as a couple ) okay which leads to numerous daily battles to different degrees.
Makes me feel unwanted, insecure, angry, hurt and very alone.

or

2. I can live in this marriage the way I know he can live relatively well.
I would need to tell him to do just about everything in a non "itchy" way.
I would need to carry a lot of the home, cars, etc chores on my own.
I would need to re create a life at least part time that is separate from him.
I would need to help him build a life doing things I know he enjoys, but won't do with out my help.

He loves to hunt, fish, walk in the woods. But unless I say why don't you plan to go fishing on Tuesday after work - he won't ( can't?) do it.
If I do suggest it, I have to follow up with did you get your rods ready, did you buy bait and make sure all is done so he can go fishing. Then he will do everything for himself and go and have a great time and talk about it for days.

I have done both 1. and 2. before over the years.
What has happened is. A. I get tired of doing 2. all the time - being responsible for another adult is very tiring.

B. When I do number 1. I feel torn apart mentally and physically and then I suffer depression to a much lower degree but none the less.
So 1. well that does not work too well - go figure

2. I would need to have a support system for myself to go to when I am tired and in need of some TLC myself.

This is the first time I have reached out for help for myself, so it is a now concept for me.

I am sure some are wondering why I stay. It's that old saying. When it ( our marriage ) is good, it is very very good. lol He does not cheat, he has never raised a finger to me, he does not drink, do drugs, has the same morals and values as me. He does take his job serious and works well there. In spite of all my complaining about him he does have a lot of good traits.
IF I make sure our life is being taken care of for him.

Ira
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 4/22/2011 8:01 PM (GMT -6)   
I meant to add this and I keep forgetting.

Back to the part of has he always been like this. I said yes but as time goes on he is worse and/or my tolerance for it is lower.

Over the years he has had some horrible events in his life happen. This is a second marriage for both of us.
I don't want to share the specifics, but suffice it to say the events would be very extremely hard for any parent to deal with.

My point is after each crisis he seems to be much worse. Like he loses more stability.

Is that typical for a severally chronic depressed person? ( that is the diagnose the Drs gave him )

PS: Not to be too personal or crass, however the Dr does not want to increase or change his meds as he complains now about our sex life. We can still have sex but, I am trying to be sensitive and not crude. Let me pit it this way, here is no happy endings though. The Drs say increase or different meds will make this even worse.

Post Edited (Ira) : 4/22/2011 7:07:57 PM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42611
   Posted 4/22/2011 8:35 PM (GMT -6)   
If they can't increase the dose (and it might come to having to do that for your sanity) maybe there is a better med??? I don't know. I guess it all depends on how much you love him and how much you have to sacrifice of yourself. This can be exhausting for you. In my first marriage I had to do a lot for my husband. But he worked and I diidn't. But it was like I had to remind him of a lot of things and make sure he had everything ready for fishing or hunting, plus cook food for him to eat while out enjoying himself. Not that fishing and hunting aren't work, but a person has to enjoy it to want to do it, right? Now I can barely take care of me. But my first husband died in 2000 due to lung cancer. But our agreement was that he woulld support and I would take care him. So I am not saying it is bad to take care of him, but the way he talks to you isn't good. Eventually you will lose your self esteem. Counseling though this would help you to be stronger if that is what you feel you need. It would help you to sort this out also. It has helped me through a lot of crisis type situations. But mostly I learned to take life one day at a time. That really helps. You are thinking a lot trying to figure this out and that can get stressful on you. Make sure you do good things for yourself as you posted. Self nurturing is good. That is one of the first things to go when times are hard.

I hope that you sort things out. Keep us posted.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 4/22/2011 8:40 PM (GMT -6)   
Everyone is saying goodnight for the day, Ira, but I want you to know
that there are solutions for almost every problem that people have.
You'll find that, as this goes on for you, you may see other solutions that are possible for you and your husband.

The enjoyment he finds in fishing is something that could be simplified for him if you sort of planned an outing for him over a period of weeks without saying anything about it until it was time for him to go. That way you wouldn't work yourself into a lather trying to get it all done in one day for him. If you can afford help in the home, try to employ someone to assist you so that you may be able to give time to other things just for yourself, like going out for lunch, shopping, marketing, etc. and other things. 
Talk to the doctor about the bedtime problem. He'll be able to provide some ideas to help with that.

Take care and get your rest; that's vital for you. Please listen to Karen. She's our moderator and has very good ideas as do all those who want to help in our friends problems.

Goodnight.

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 4/23/2011 8:53:25 AM (GMT-6)


Ira
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 4/22/2011 10:31 PM (GMT -6)   
The posts, ideas, support here is MUCH appreciated :)

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 4/23/2011 9:54 AM (GMT -6)   
Good morning, Ira,

You sound strong this morning; hope the virus is leaving you now.
Let us know how things are for you today, won't you?

Take care.

It's Genetic

Ira
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 4/23/2011 2:36 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks for checking in on me. I really appreciate it :)

I am feeling better today in all ways. I feel like I have some options now.

I am starting to wonder if the Lexapro ( sp? ) is enough for him.
I am seeing new behaviors that just are not him. ie. talking with his mouth full of food - he never would had done that before, He has always had great manners. Just a few things like that.
These changes also make me wonder if it is "just" depression....

He won't see a psy so has only been under the care of a MD who "tricked" him into agreeing to the med he is on. At the hint of suggestion there is something else wrong with him - he flips!!! So I have been grateful for this much, but as time goes on I am thinking there is something else there that needs treatment.

For the time being I have decided to do option 2. that I wrote about in my other post ( above ). I will need to find/create a good support system for myself though, as I know it won't be long and I will find myself going down hill.

He has a dr appt coming up in the next 2 weeks - I need to really think about a way to get him to agree to a re feral to a psy. The MD will gladly give it - it is just getting him to agree to go.

I think I can get him there with some BS line about our insurance rules and stuff. BUT then when/if they tell him you have xyz issues that is when it will turn ugly.

How do they do that? Do they just come out and tell the patient "you have bipolar" or what ever they have?

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 4/23/2011 3:12 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi, Ira,

I'm glad you're better today; that's good news. I know you're pleased that your husband is seeing his M.D. in two weeks. Please consider talking to the doctor about a need for increased dosage in the meds if the one he is taking is not working as well as it needs to in order to make your husband content.

A psychiatrist isn't going to just come right out and say you have such-and-such a disease unless he sees and knows that the patient is strong enough to handle the acceptance of the illness and work to arrest it. My thinking is that you would benefit from talking to a psychiatrist to learn what the best thing for you to do is. These specialists are some of the finest people I've ever met. Most of them are compassionate, attentive, and considerate.

You are the one who is under real stress, as well as your husband.
In his current state, he probably doesn't care much about how things are except that he is able to get up, go to work, come home, and provide some self-care.

Your current practitioner may be the one who will advise your husband about his need to see a psychiatrist.

If you go to Lexapro.com on the internet, you will recognize that this is a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor often prescribed for depression. (Commonly called an ssri) If your husband has something else going on in addition to depression he may need a second medication added. It's up to you to be completely honest with his physician about symptoms you see and ask him to evaluate your husband's condition and update his opinion and prescriptions.

I don't know how to tell you to approach the physician with your husband except to preface what you say with "you know that I love my husband, doctor, and his health is extremely important to our life together." Maybe, just maybe, that might alert your husband to the fact that things are being done to help him, not hurt him.

Take care and keep posting as you need to.

We do care and want to see you both on the way to contentment.

It's Genetic

klacs
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 4/23/2011 5:40 PM (GMT -6)   
I've found that with the right medication, healthy foods and exercise my brother's depression is a lot better.  It takes a balance of all three to really manage the depression and have many more good days than not so good days.   The thing that turned it around for him was a book called Full-A Life without Dieting by Dr. Michael Snyder.  I just went on line to purchase it for my sister and found that Amazon has a great deal on it. Here's a link: http://www.thefullbook.com/amazonpromotion.html   (the offers only good for one more day 4/23/2011)
 
I wish you the best!
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