Hi My name is Dani. I am from the Chronic Pain forum. Oh.. well I guess that part is kind obvious. Sorry, I am terrible with introductions.
I have wanted to come over here to your board for over a year now. If you don't mind I would really like to be a member here? I am going to try hard to do an introduction, but I am just not so good at those type of things.. okay here goes...
My upbringing was not so good after age 7. I am not sure who understand what methamphetamines does to the brain.. it literally eats, destroys the tissue of the brain. So within 3 to 5 years there are multiple dime sized holes in the brain of the addict. ..she's a life time addict.. Of course there was abuse, neglect, yes much harm by others as there was no one to protect me. I had to work hard to care for my family. Because I was from a "village" (small population) there was no "public funds" or help to families. So, no outside help. I would wake, clean & go babysit. Get everyone on the bus and fall asleep until we reached the school an hour later. I was go to school, do my homework at lunch with all my teachers understanding (yes they tried many times to confront my mother, but there was little that could be done). My grades were mostly from tests and class work. Then I would make my way home. Clean house, wash the laundry, make the supper, wake my mom, clean up again, then have the best of intentions for homework... would often times fall asleep.
As the powerful drug Mom chose to abuse, began eating her brain... she began having different "personalities". Sometimes she was a "caretaker" (I liked that one, even though it was a lie), she would be a "CIA operative", then the "ex naval officer" (that one was always weird), the "teacher" and last but not least the hardened "Vietnam war veteran". She would have many moments of anger. Usually when she was transiting to a personality or low on meth. Either one would spawn unbridled rage. In her defense, I think it was very confusing for her to wake as someone completely different than when she went to bed. Also you could see plain as day she was uncomfortable each time she woke up. She seldom woke up as the person she really is
So, as these things go I left home 2 weeks before I turned 15. I would love to say that I ran out to explore the world!! I didn’t though. I slept and slept for nearly 2 months. Then I got down to work. Oh it was nice only caring for myself. I did odd labor jobs for cash. If your wondering if it is hard, it isn't. Getting medical care was tricky but that is all. about once in a three month time frame something "bad" would happen. I found it odd my friends were always so angry when something bad would happen. Because really compared to just one day in my "old life" it was nothing. Only a small handful of people knew the truth and helped me to cover and hide the truth. Those that knew me, knew where I came from, were more than happy to help "create" the the slightly older me. So I went about life. Occasionally needing medical care, but that I dodged many times while living at home "old life". Just leave someone with all my information by a phone for over the phone authorization. Housing, personal care, all of it was easily taken care of from commercial cleaning and commercial painting. By 17 I had found my way to Texas and, thanks to some very cool laws, from that point on I was able to legally work.
Life got really good. I have always been on some form of antidepressants though. For many many years it was welbutrin (SSRI). I am happily married and have 2 beautiful little Bumblebees, age 6 and 9. I remember dreaming of having a family when I was younger. I would always feel instantly bad, thinking that I could never have something like that. Well, I do. I love every moment, every day of hard work, everyday of laughter. huggs and kisses.
Then, almost 4 years ago, I began to have pain. At the time I did not look different. It was one small levoscoliosis, that is it. All I knew was I had pain at the base of my spine. After yelling at my specialist and storming off almost 4 years ago... I had to see a pain psychologist. I just couldn’t grasp that the doctors couldn’t fix me. SO, we worked on biofeedback, cognitive behavioral, lessons.... we create the new me. It took a very long time. I had to learn things all over again with my new limitations. I have had a few low points along the way. I dont think anything could have prepared me for what would happen over the 4 years following that though...
I have had some very low points. Like when my teeth crumbled out of my mouth in 2 months flat. Hearing loss was really hard hurdle. Last winter as my body began looking so scary. Recently with my eyes.
I lost it, yet again. I know, I know what your thinking. Everyone tells me the same thing. I've been through so much, why fall so low because of my eyes. I don’t have a good answer. I just don’t know. I've spent three weeks crying about it. To type it out.. email, talk on phone... I cant do it. I just cry. I've had to go back to active therapy, not just check-ups. For whatever reason this has tossed me back in. Where I cannot seem to see into the future. Only present, only the impossible.
If you were to ask my family if I have ever had depression, they would count the times on their fingers and say 4 or 5. If you ask me, depression is always with me. It takes sometimes the smallest of pushes to find myself back in my room with my old friend, depression. It has required medications for many years. Only stopping meds long enough to carry babies to term, give birth and breastfeed. I have always had to be careful.
So, I guess that’s me.