New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

Mrs. Dani
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 2787
   Posted 4/23/2011 12:25 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi  My name is Dani. I am from the Chronic Pain forum. Oh.. well I guess that part is kind obvious. Sorry, I am terrible with introductions.
 
     I have wanted to come over here to your board for over a year now. If you don't mind I would really like to be a member here? I am going to try hard to do an introduction, but I am just not so good at those type of things.. okay here goes...
 
     My upbringing was not so good after age 7. I am not sure who understand what methamphetamines does to the brain.. it literally eats, destroys the tissue of the brain. So within 3 to 5 years there are multiple dime sized holes in the brain of the addict. ..she's a life time addict.. Of course there was abuse, neglect, yes much harm by others as there was no one to protect me. I had to work hard to care for my family. Because I was from a "village" (small population) there was no "public funds" or help to families. So, no outside help. I would wake, clean & go babysit. Get everyone on the bus and fall asleep until we reached the school an hour later. I was go to school, do my homework at lunch with all my teachers understanding (yes they tried many times to confront my mother, but there was little that could be done). My grades were mostly from tests and class work. Then I would make my way home. Clean house, wash the laundry, make the supper, wake my mom, clean up again, then have the best of intentions for homework... would often times fall asleep.  
 
     As the powerful drug Mom chose to abuse, began eating her brain... she began having different "personalities". Sometimes she was a "caretaker" (I liked that one, even though it was a lie), she would be a "CIA operative", then the "ex naval officer" (that one was always weird), the "teacher" and last but not least the hardened "Vietnam war veteran". She would have many moments of anger. Usually when she was transiting to a personality or low on meth. Either one would spawn unbridled rage. In her defense, I think it was very confusing for her to wake as someone completely different than when she went to bed. Also you could see plain as day she was uncomfortable each time she woke up. She seldom woke up as the person she really is
 
     So, as these things go I left home 2 weeks before I turned 15. I would love to say that I ran out to explore the world!! I didn’t though. I slept and slept for nearly 2 months. Then I got down to work. Oh it was nice only caring for myself. I did odd labor jobs for cash. If your wondering if it is hard, it isn't. Getting medical care was tricky but that is all. about once in a three month time frame something "bad" would happen. I found it odd my friends were always so angry when something bad would happen. Because really compared to just one day in my "old life" it was nothing. Only a small handful of people knew the truth and helped me to cover and hide the truth. Those that knew me, knew where I came from, were more than happy to help "create" the the slightly older me. So I went about life. Occasionally needing medical care, but that I dodged many times while living at home "old life". Just leave someone with all my information by a phone for over the phone authorization. Housing, personal care, all of it was easily taken care of from commercial cleaning and commercial painting. By 17 I had found my way to Texas and, thanks to some very cool laws, from that point on I was able to legally work.
 
     Life got really good. I have always been on some form of antidepressants though. For many many years it was welbutrin (SSRI). I am happily married and have 2 beautiful little Bumblebees, age 6 and 9. I remember dreaming of having a  family when I was younger. I would always feel instantly bad, thinking that I could never have something like that. Well, I do. I love every moment, every day of hard work, everyday of laughter. huggs and kisses.
 
     Then, almost 4 years ago, I began to have pain. At the time I did not look different. It was one small levoscoliosis, that is it.  All I knew was I had pain at the base of my spine. After yelling at my specialist and storming off almost 4 years ago...  I had to see a pain psychologist. I just couldn’t grasp that the doctors couldn’t fix me. SO, we worked on biofeedback, cognitive behavioral, lessons....  we create the new me. It took a very long time. I had to learn things all over again with my new limitations. I have had a few low points along the way. I dont think anything could have prepared me for what would happen over the 4 years following that though...
 
   This might help ~~>  My Pain
 
     I have had some very low points. Like when my teeth crumbled out of my mouth in 2 months flat. Hearing loss was really hard hurdle. Last winter as my body began looking so scary. Recently with my eyes. 
 
  This might help  ~~> My Eyes
 
     I lost it, yet again. I know, I know what your thinking. Everyone tells me the same thing. I've been through so much, why fall so low because of my eyes. I don’t have a good answer. I just don’t know. I've spent three weeks crying about it. To type it out.. email, talk on phone... I cant do it. I just cry. I've had to go back to active therapy, not just check-ups. For whatever reason this has tossed me back in. Where I cannot seem to see into the future. Only present, only the impossible.
 
     If you were to ask my family if I have ever had depression, they would count the times on their fingers and say 4 or 5. If you ask me, depression is always with me. It takes sometimes the smallest of pushes to find myself back in my room with my old friend, depression. It has required medications for many years. Only stopping meds long enough to carry babies to term, give birth and breastfeed. I have always had to be careful.
 
     So, I guess that’s me. 
 
*hugg*
  dani

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood

Chronic Pain Moderator
Mail
Leave Feedback
Donate

Post Edited (Mrs. Dani) : 4/23/2011 12:29:11 PM (GMT-6)


It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 4/23/2011 10:39 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello, Mrs. Dani,

I've read your other post on your eyes from the forum you joined
much earlier. Your story is one that is incredibly heart-wrenching but always with a strong effort on your part to overcome. The genetic
aspect of our llives is something to deal with, isn't it? My sadness for you is difficult to express because I want so much to encourage you to get involved with training for learning to live with blindness.

Are you close to any schools for the blind which may be able to bring you a new life of encouragement and hope? I hope that you will begin to think about learning all over again how to manage life. For your sake and for the little children it would be so helpful for you to be able to touch their lives again with your strong fortitude and very capable mental strength.

How were you able to post this thread today? Have you effective devices that enable you to see well enough to use your computer? And was it your husband's equipment added to your computer that enabled you to do this now? Learning braille alone will open a world of communication that you may not have experienced before.

Your story is one the members of this community will be talking with you about very soon, I feel sure. In the meantime,

May God Bless you,

It's Genetic

Mrs. Dani
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 2787
   Posted 4/23/2011 8:20 PM (GMT -6)   
Good evening Genetic,
 
  I guess the best way to answer your questions is to tell you what it looks like to see.
 
Black Spots - Both eyes. Look like gnats. From the cells stripping.
 
Translucent spots - Both eyes. Slightly larger than black spots. From the nerve damage.
 
No focus - Both eyes. Unable to focus vision. Fuzzy images. Tissue "softening" degenerating. Strong retina though. Process often noted in much older patients.
 
White Cloudy ~ Right eye. Everything "white-ish". From my eye trying to form new cataracts behind my lens implant. There is a small incision to help it drain. A tiny bit of white in my eye where "sleepy" usually forms each day.
 
Vision crossing "seeing double" / separate "half mast" / loss of depth perception~ Right eye. It has moderate Amblyopia (lazy eye). Loss of muscle control. It will blink or go half mast when ever I am tired or my PM meds have kicked in. Seeing double happens at odd times. Its unnerving.
  
Near / Far / astigmatism ~ Left eye. Unable to to see much. Over use. "Fatigue" from being dominate eye and genetics both playing part.
 
   "Seamless" corrective lens helps left eye. Not by a lot, but enough to help. Right eye they just were not able to help much. How much or how little my vision progresses is out of our hands now. My vision began getting very bad back in November 2010. It has progressed rather fast from that point on. So with a little luck, and a lot of prayer, maybe it will slow down. There are no more surgical solutions for me. I have exhausted all my options.
 
   As far as my computer.. I will ask my husband when he comes home tonight how large the screen is. It is very large screen. The windows (win 8?) settings has everything set up to large font sizes. My "MSN Browser" is all set to large font as well for all web pages, mail, et al. He mentioned a speech-to-text software, so unsure what else he will do. We've been swamped though lately. He has ideas for many other programs, but the computer is new and he is still loading programs. I just got micro media this week, still don’t even have any messenger services loaded or any other useful progreams...
 
      My Kindle can text-to-speech when I just cant focus enough to read or my right eye starts to act weird. Otherwise I can change the font to any size. Story time books we have been getting large print books. My husband is set on wanting to get me an IPAD to help me do story time with my Bumblebees. I finally told him okay a couple weeks ago. A friend mentioned that there are "Magnifying glass w/ florescent or LED lights" attached. I am hoping this will help me to keep making jewelry. Making candy and jewelry helps my mind. Jewelry sells for a nice price too.
 
    There are small everyday things that are effected now. I cant drive at all. I run into things often. I don’t see stuff my family sees. My depth perception is back to where it was when I was a kid. Makes walking odd. Things like signs and print are hard. The cross eyed stuff makes a sick to my stomach still.  Slight color variations are impossible. For example: 2 dark blue - which is darker, that sort of thing. Distance vision even with glasses is impossible... I think get the idea.
 
     Hope that helped explain....
 
*hugg*
   dani

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood

Chronic Pain Moderator
Mail
Leave Feedback
Donate

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 4/23/2011 8:25 PM (GMT -6)   
You bet it did, Mrs. Dani,

I've never seen such courage and strength in my life. Keep up the effort and try to enjoy everything as much as you can.

Your other post about your eye, which I read earlier, mentioned only in passing the things that you have explained extraordinarily well today.

Take care, and thanks for posting.

It's Genetic

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 4/28/2011 8:26 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Dani,

My internet was out for four days so I just found your thread. I have been backtracking trying to catch up. I am so glad that you posted. Your story makes me sad, but I can see that you are a wonderful person and I want to see you happy. I am so glad that you have joineed us and I hope that you continue to post.

You seem to have had a lot on your plate. I think we all do in different ways. I am so sorry for what your mother put you through. It couldn't have been easy. But I think you have had a huge learning experience and I am sure that has brought you much compassion for others. We grow even from the bad things in life.

Do keep posting, know that we all care about you. I hope that you are having a wonderful day.

Many soft hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20282
   Posted 4/29/2011 4:41 AM (GMT -6)   
catching up too!! welcome to the forum. with much healing compassion to you dani. jamie. i have focus issues with my eyes. (diabetes) i sometimes read the content larger and sometimes post it larger, because i can see what i am typing!!
SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , BI-POLAR AFFECTIVE DISORDER AXIS 1

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

Chartreux
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9664
   Posted 4/29/2011 5:33 AM (GMT -6)   
Dani,
Depression, can be one of the hardest illness to over come, make sure to let your doctors know and
maybe seek out professional help from a psychologist or psychiatrist, you know I'll be praying for you
and send well wishes...
**********************************************
* So many dx's I could write a book* "It would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...
********>^..^<********>^..^<*******
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Tuesday, September 25, 2018 10:16 AM (GMT -6)
There are a total of 3,006,429 posts in 329,336 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 161833 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, LorrieL..
335 Guest(s), 7 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
HappyRick, jrayh21, HeartsinPain, BossJ, AZdiane, hopenchange, Admin