Posted 4/24/2011 4:55 PM (GMT -6)
Hello, this is my first post, and I am not sure where to start… I am 21 and have dealt almost continuously with depression for at least 7 years. I have always had great difficulty moving forward and getting control over my emotions and negative thoughts even with depression medications. I apologize upfront for the length; hopefully someone can stick it out and offer at least some words of wisdom.
One of the main issues I find myself completely preoccupied with, is that I have never really experienced anything I would consider traumatic or life altering enough to justify the depression and self-inflicted problems which continuously drag me down. I understand that it can be chemical and genetic, but I just can’t seem to get over the extreme guilt. I was raised comfortably in a middle class family, with every opportunity and advantage anyone could ever ask for. Hell, my parents are paying for my college education and still support me financially and otherwise. The only real bump in the road is that from a young age my mother has suffered many health problems. It was/is difficult to watch helplessly as her health falters. For several months now, I have felt guilt over not having gone through any sort of personal trauma or abuse. Now please , don’t take this the wrong way; logically, I recognize how lucky I am that I have had a relatively uneventful life. But I find myself just wishing that someone else could have had my place, the opportunities and support so they could do more with it than I have. I find myself mentally going through all kinds of horrible things that could (should, as I often feel) have happened, or situations I could have been born into. I can’t help but wonder why I had to get so lucky; sometimes I feel that it borders on obsessive. It’s sick that I can’t just be grateful which is what leaves me confused and feeling even worse. I fear that any person who has worked through any sort of struggle would be disgusted and find my feelings immature and stupid.
As I get older, I understand the advantages I have, and still I continue to screw things up for myself. I have never really successfully managed my depression, and as a result I have begun alienating myself from peers, and drove my GPA into the ground over the past couple semesters. I feel that I have ruined my future and am so ashamed of my grades that I cannot even bring myself to talk about it with my therapist. It has gotten overwhelming, and while I am not so close to the edge at this moment, sometimes I feel there is no point in going on, that I will never really just be happy and that I have ruined my shot at a decent future (grad school etc). I recognize this is extreme and a bit premature, but it just feels like I am drowning. I feel lost and alone, and the worst of it is, I did it to myself!
Thank you for reading, and for any response. Please try to understand that I recognize how terrible some of these thoughts are, and that I feel bad enough about it already. Judgments and criticizing will only worsen the problem. Maybe someone can help lessen the disgust I feel towards myself.