Need some advice

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New Member

Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 4/26/2011 11:51 AM (GMT -6)   
My problems started quite a few years ago at the age of 14 when I was still in school. I had a really difficult time during my teen years that saw me battling with depression for a number of years.  I experienced many anxiety attacks both when I was in school and also around people outside, especially in large crowds. I never was really that close to anyone until the last few months when I managed to gain a few good friends (whom I still am in contact with to this day). They never really knew of my problems, in fact not many people do to this day.

I left school at 16 (I'm from the UK) with nothing. Despite being fully capable of doing relatively well I could never concentrate on school work due to my problems. I was really disappointed with myself for not doing well and was utterly sick of being so down all the time. I somehow managed to pick myself up however and started to attend college. During this time I managed to gain some confidence and found I was able to to talk to people for the first time without feeling massively uncomfortable. I still wasn't great talking to strangers and meeting new people, but it was much more than what I had previously been able to do. The success I gained at college helped boost the way I felt about myself even further to the point where I genuinely felt I could make something of myself. I would still get down from time to time but I was always able to bounce back.

The thing is though I was still not happy within myself. I could never honestly say I was happy for longer than a day or two and that was usually as a result of achieving something. I still felt the problems I had were still there, but I knew how to deal with it. I wasn't happy but I wasn't really unhappy either. As time went on I was able to start going out and socializing. Recently I've been regularly seeing a group of friends at the pub. I still feel a little uncomfortable, but not that much. That kinda of leads to where I am now, at the age of 22. Through some friends I met this girl, who's a little older than me at 24. I started talking to her and I knew she was special straight away. We started getting really close quite quickly and what started out as just hanging out at the pub quite quickly led to other things, like hanging out at hers or mine, going to the cinema and going out to nice places for the day. For once I could say that I was really happy and wanted more with this person. I fell in love with her bit by bit and I knew that she liked me to. Then one evening after the pub she told me how she felt about me and I was open about how I felt (much to her surprise I think). We agreed to take things slowly, continuing to just hang out as friends for a while for a number of reasons. She had only just came out of a relationship a few months ago and was still having a few troubles with the guy.

I had my own problems too. For the first time in my life I genuinely felt loved and really felt the same towards her. But what about my problems? I knew they were still there because I never really dealt with them, I just knew how to control it. What would happen if I got into a relationship? Could I make her happy? These were all questions I were faced with and really had to dig deep. I didn't keep things hidden from her though, I made things quite clear. But we were getting along so well so I felt like I could make a real go of it. Skip forward a couple of weeks, we've been together for two weeks but already facing difficulties. I'm really happy with her but I find it really difficult to express happy emotions. She's very much an out and about kind of person and I am too, I just can't really manage to do so without feeling slightly uncomfortable. Even going out for dinner is a big deal for me, something she loves to do. I've never really done this in my life and feel really awkward about doing so, and this bugs her.

The relationship was fine for the first week but then it started to take its toll on the both of us. We had a dispute about food which result in her leaving mine although we did agree to talk shortly afterwards and this made things better and we ended up having a nice evening with a couple of other friends. But now its got to the point where she's having serious doubts about us. My mood over the last few days has been either really high after having a nice day or really low after something goes wrong. I spiral into depression and am unable to talk to her properly. I know there are times when we aren't going to get along but I get really down and think everything is falling apart.

She says she is willing to give things a chance but she wont stay with me if things don't work out. And that's where we are at now. I really love her and she's everything I could possibly want. She's clever, attractive and has such a positive demeanor. I want to be able to comfort her, express happiness and be able to do all the things she wants to do. I told her about my problems and how I want to change but she's a little unsure about it. Her past relationship wasn't great, the guy was quite abusive and had his own problems. The difference is I really want to make things work and I am prepared to do whatever it takes.

I've come here to seek advice on what I should do. Should I seek professional help on how to deal with my depression? Should I try to change my lifestyle in the hope it will have a long-lasting positive impact? I've read many articles but I just don't know what to do. I could just accept that the relationship isn't going to work out, but I really want to try to improve on my part. I'm fed up with being miserable, uncomfortable and unhappy. Any future relationships will just turn out the same if I don't do something. shakehead

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 4/26/2011 2:19:53 PM (GMT-6)

New Member

Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 4/26/2011 2:16 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks for the response, it's much appreciated. :)

It's Genetic said...

1. You really can't make someone else happy. You can make yourself happy and that tends to draw people to you. So the answer would seem to me to be to do the things that help you make yourself happy; and if she's the right girl for you, she will natrually be drawn to you as a possible husband in time. You might wish to talk to a psychiatrist or psychologist about things to do to feel better about yourself.

That really does make sense. When I am happy I can tell she is too and everything feels really good. I do find it difficult to make myself happy however when she isn't around and that might be one of the areas where I am going wrong. The trouble is when I am happy I find it very difficult to express because I'm not really used to it and I'm quite a shy person naturally so I think that creates a bit of uncertainty.

It's Genetic said...

2. You appear to me to have more maturity than she does. For example, when she has said to you that if it doesn't work, she's going to leave you, that doesn't lend itself to thinking that she's likely to be a stable life-time partner. You might have more difficulty down the road than you do now.

I don't necessarily agree with that. She had a very long and unhappy relationship and I think she fears time is just going to repeat itself. The person really wasn't very nice, he had her exactly where he wanted her and that was good enough for him, even if she was massively unhappy. I think it has left her a bit cynical about relationships, maybe if I make an effort then she'll realize that it doesn't have to be that way.

I really need to sort my mood swings out. The other night I upset her unintentionally and it hurt both of us. She left in the morning to see her sister (she had already planned to) and came back to see me in the afternoon. She was absolutely fine by then, had completely cheered up and just wanted to spend some time with me. Myself on the other hand was still feeling miserable and I just ended up making things worse. When I get down I find it so hard to pick myself up again.

Post Edited (anon456) : 4/26/2011 2:28:55 PM (GMT-6)

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42208
   Posted 4/26/2011 2:28 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi anon456,

In my opinion, I think that you should work on your depression (for you) first. Then work on the relationship, just take it slow right now. My suggestion would be to see a counselor if you aren't already. It sounds like you have a few issues that you need to resolve with yourself. Mainly to learn not to let things ruin your whole day. There are ways with CBT (cognative behavioral therapy) that could help you with that.

I had to edit a little of your first post as it is against the rules to discuss self harm and suicide on this forum. But for that alone is a reason to get into therapy. Please do work on you now. You owe it to yourself. And the relationship will fall into place. If it is meant to be, it will. If it isn't, then you move on.

You are stronger than you realize. And you have the sense to notice that you need a little help. So you are off to a good start towards healing.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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