OK, I have been told that my thought process is hard to follow. I have a tendency to roll all my problems into one big one and it becomes difficult for me to sort everything out.
I will start by explaining my current situation.
I am a male, 29 years old. I've been married for 7 years to the same woman. We have 3 children together, the oldest of which is four.
Over the last couple years, our marriage has become lifeless. To the extent that both of us acknowledge that we are no longer in love, and that we initially got married simply to avoid being alone.
That being said, I am of the type to stick by my decisions out of a feeling of responsibility. I would never breach our marriage simply due to unhappiness. On top of that, I have the added bonus of being abandoned by my own father at the age of 5, so I am vehemently against leaving my family in the dust to seek my own happiness.
However, my wife comes from a background where her father repeatedly cheated on her mother and I believe her mother may have had her own share of indiscretions. I don't know if that had any affect on my wife's decisions, but ultimately my wife went outside our marriage through several inappropriate online "connections," both with past friends and random strangers. There was never anything physical, let's just say it was a webcam thing and leave it at that. Despite this I felt very betrayed and angry.
During the worst times, when I initially found out about
her actions, I reconnected with an old female friend whose husband "actually" cheated on her multiple times. She talked me through some of my pain and helped give me new perspective on many things. We became very close and I even met with her a few times without my wife's knowledge, although nothing inappropriate took place (we did kiss once, when saying goodbye, because she recently moved out of state).
I started feeling very strongly for her. I resented my wife for what she had done and also started analyzing our relationship more closely and finding fault with every little thing. I am to the point where I feel that my wife and I are incompatible and may even bring out the worst in each other. However, the friend I have such strong feelings for (and I did tell her how I felt about
her) made it very clear that she would not "go there" with me and I have to say I believe she made a wise decision considering our mental and emotional states after the things we had both been through. However it doesn't help me feel any better about
my current situation. I find myself thinking about
her all the time, and feeling guilty for it, because I feel like I should be putting forth more effort into fixing my marriage but really I have no desire to. I am only with my wife at this point because I would feel incredibly guilty if I left her to seek my own happiness, especially where my children are concerned.
The problem is I feel like we are going nowhere. I have no hope for the future and everything seems pointless because I thought I was doing everything right and now my marriage is a mess, my children are suffering because my wife and I are no longer a team, and outside issues such as work and school take up much of my time and even add to my depression because I hate my job and even though I'm going to school for something I thought I wanted, I'm not sure it will work out the way I intended or that I won't change my mind 4 years from now and want to do something else career-wise.
I don't even know where to start in terms of trying to fix this. I am very introverted and the only true friend I felt I had found is the one I am so enamored with, who now won't speak to me. This makes it difficult to find people to talk to.
My wife and I attempted counseling, but I don't make much money and she stays home with the kids so our income is minimal. The only counselor we found that we could afford told us that counseling wouldn't work for us unless we found a mutual goal, and we subsequently stopped going.
Now I feel like things are just "coasting" for lack of a better word, and I'm afraid my wife will repeat her actions if I can't start providing her with whatever it was she was missing before. To top it all off, we were recently forced out of our home and ended up sharing a house with my brother's ex girlfriend (very Jerry Springer-ish I know...) and the five of us are now crammed somewhat haphazardly into her basement. The future looks bleak indeed and I just don't see a point to any of this, considering how it has all spiraled downhill from a new, happy marriage, a great job, a wonderful town home, etc. to a broken marriage, a boring, creativity-draining job, and a basement.
On top of which, I would see no point in leaving my wife since I would not want to attempt a new relationship with anyone at this point because now I am jealous and paranoid of every little thing she does and I am afraid this would carry over to whomever I attempted a relationship with. And really, I wouldn't want to try with anyone except for the friend I mentioned before, who made it clear she wouldn't go there with me. Also, I just feel it is plain wrong to get divorced and I would feel extremely guilty about
leaving her and my children. When imagining my future as a divorcee, I don't imagine myself very happy, because of that guilt. Not to mention it would only make life MORE difficult in terms of money and time, which I'm already short on.
I just feel lost, and helpless and hopeless. My mother raised us to be very religious and constantly tells me that God can fix anything, even this, but I just don't see it. After all, if God created us, then he gave us the emotions that I am now struggling with. Why would I feel so strongly for my friend if it is so wrong? And if I was doing everything right before, meaning that I stopped partying, stopped hanging out with bad influences, and focused on work and taking care of my family, then why did all of this fall apart? I could do this all over again with someone new and still have it turn out like this, so please, what is the point??
EDIT - I realized part of my edit might be against forum rules so I removed it.
Still, it's difficult for me to find happiness in anything I used to. I'm extremely bored and no form of entertainment has the appeal that it used to. I cant focus at work or at school, I find any excuse I can to leave early or when I'm there I'm doing anything but what I'm supposed to, I can't read books or watch movies or play games, my only solace is in my guitar but I can't sit around playing guitar all day. Some days I just want to lay in bed and do nothing. When I get home from work, I feel terrible because my kids want to be with me and I almost feel like I resent them. Like I just want everyone to go away. I just want to be left alone and sleep. I don't know how to get out of this funk.
Post Edited (Wintermute82) : 4/26/2011 3:46:11 PM (GMT-6)