Finding Meaning?

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Wintermute82
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 4/26/2011 2:45 PM (GMT -6)   
OK, I have been told that my thought process is hard to follow. I have a tendency to roll all my problems into one big one and it becomes difficult for me to sort everything out.

I will start by explaining my current situation.

I am a male, 29 years old. I've been married for 7 years to the same woman. We have 3 children together, the oldest of which is four.

Over the last couple years, our marriage has become lifeless. To the extent that both of us acknowledge that we are no longer in love, and that we initially got married simply to avoid being alone.

That being said, I am of the type to stick by my decisions out of a feeling of responsibility. I would never breach our marriage simply due to unhappiness. On top of that, I have the added bonus of being abandoned by my own father at the age of 5, so I am vehemently against leaving my family in the dust to seek my own happiness.

However, my wife comes from a background where her father repeatedly cheated on her mother and I believe her mother may have had her own share of indiscretions. I don't know if that had any affect on my wife's decisions, but ultimately my wife went outside our marriage through several inappropriate online "connections," both with past friends and random strangers. There was never anything physical, let's just say it was a webcam thing and leave it at that. Despite this I felt very betrayed and angry.

During the worst times, when I initially found out about her actions, I reconnected with an old female friend whose husband "actually" cheated on her multiple times. She talked me through some of my pain and helped give me new perspective on many things. We became very close and I even met with her a few times without my wife's knowledge, although nothing inappropriate took place (we did kiss once, when saying goodbye, because she recently moved out of state).

I started feeling very strongly for her. I resented my wife for what she had done and also started analyzing our relationship more closely and finding fault with every little thing. I am to the point where I feel that my wife and I are incompatible and may even bring out the worst in each other. However, the friend I have such strong feelings for (and I did tell her how I felt about her) made it very clear that she would not "go there" with me and I have to say I believe she made a wise decision considering our mental and emotional states after the things we had both been through. However it doesn't help me feel any better about my current situation. I find myself thinking about her all the time, and feeling guilty for it, because I feel like I should be putting forth more effort into fixing my marriage but really I have no desire to. I am only with my wife at this point because I would feel incredibly guilty if I left her to seek my own happiness, especially where my children are concerned.

The problem is I feel like we are going nowhere. I have no hope for the future and everything seems pointless because I thought I was doing everything right and now my marriage is a mess, my children are suffering because my wife and I are no longer a team, and outside issues such as work and school take up much of my time and even add to my depression because I hate my job and even though I'm going to school for something I thought I wanted, I'm not sure it will work out the way I intended or that I won't change my mind 4 years from now and want to do something else career-wise.

I don't even know where to start in terms of trying to fix this. I am very introverted and the only true friend I felt I had found is the one I am so enamored with, who now won't speak to me. This makes it difficult to find people to talk to.

My wife and I attempted counseling, but I don't make much money and she stays home with the kids so our income is minimal. The only counselor we found that we could afford told us that counseling wouldn't work for us unless we found a mutual goal, and we subsequently stopped going.

Now I feel like things are just "coasting" for lack of a better word, and I'm afraid my wife will repeat her actions if I can't start providing her with whatever it was she was missing before. To top it all off, we were recently forced out of our home and ended up sharing a house with my brother's ex girlfriend (very Jerry Springer-ish I know...) and the five of us are now crammed somewhat haphazardly into her basement. The future looks bleak indeed and I just don't see a point to any of this, considering how it has all spiraled downhill from a new, happy marriage, a great job, a wonderful town home, etc. to a broken marriage, a boring, creativity-draining job, and a basement.

On top of which, I would see no point in leaving my wife since I would not want to attempt a new relationship with anyone at this point because now I am jealous and paranoid of every little thing she does and I am afraid this would carry over to whomever I attempted a relationship with. And really, I wouldn't want to try with anyone except for the friend I mentioned before, who made it clear she wouldn't go there with me. Also, I just feel it is plain wrong to get divorced and I would feel extremely guilty about leaving her and my children. When imagining my future as a divorcee, I don't imagine myself very happy, because of that guilt. Not to mention it would only make life MORE difficult in terms of money and time, which I'm already short on.

I just feel lost, and helpless and hopeless. My mother raised us to be very religious and constantly tells me that God can fix anything, even this, but I just don't see it. After all, if God created us, then he gave us the emotions that I am now struggling with. Why would I feel so strongly for my friend if it is so wrong? And if I was doing everything right before, meaning that I stopped partying, stopped hanging out with bad influences, and focused on work and taking care of my family, then why did all of this fall apart? I could do this all over again with someone new and still have it turn out like this, so please, what is the point??

EDIT - I realized part of my edit might be against forum rules so I removed it.

Still, it's difficult for me to find happiness in anything I used to. I'm extremely bored and no form of entertainment has the appeal that it used to. I cant focus at work or at school, I find any excuse I can to leave early or when I'm there I'm doing anything but what I'm supposed to, I can't read books or watch movies or play games, my only solace is in my guitar but I can't sit around playing guitar all day. Some days I just want to lay in bed and do nothing. When I get home from work, I feel terrible because my kids want to be with me and I almost feel like I resent them. Like I just want everyone to go away. I just want to be left alone and sleep. I don't know how to get out of this funk.

Post Edited (Wintermute82) : 4/26/2011 3:46:11 PM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42434
   Posted 4/26/2011 3:13 PM (GMT -6)   
Wintermute,

Hello, and welcome to the forum. Wow... I guess you could have a goal together and that could be getting out of that basement. That has to be too cramped of an environment for you and your family. It can't be healthy for anybody.

Have you tried to find a better job? Something that you would even enjoy more? Can you see yourself moving forward in your job that you have now?

I really feel that a lot of how we feel is our situation and the environment around us. I still feel that you are in a tough spot with your living conditions. And until you do something to get out of there, you are going to continue to feel lost and hopeless.

If you are thinking of having a relationship outside your marriage, you shouldn't be jsealous and paranoid of your wife, though that is what generally happens. We project upon the other person, our feelings. And if we are cheating, we suspect them of cheating too. Though you say that you didn't actually cheat, I feel that you probably would have if she would have been willing. Am I wrong to assume that?

Do keep posting and I hope that things get better for you. Some things we have to change ourselves. I think counseling would help you to move forward. We can encourage you, but there is no substiture for the actual one on one counseling.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Wintermute82
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 4/26/2011 3:27 PM (GMT -6)   
Karen,

I agree about getting out of the basement. Part of the problem is that we looked and looked for a place but we are considered "over-occupancy" having 5 people in a 2 bedroom apartment, and since I lost my good job and now don't make much money, we can't afford anything bigger.

I have looked for a new job, but not very hard. The economy sucks right now and on top of that, I'm hesitant to make a bad decision because even though I dislike this job, right now it's all I've got and it pays the bills. I would hate to get into a worse job or make a lateral move and it's difficult to find a job that will pay more for an entry-level position.

I agree with you on the projection aspect. I have considered many times, that I'm paranoid of her because I myself cannot truly be trusted. On the flip side, I would not be considering that course of action if it wasn't for her making the first move. And it's difficult for me to say if I would have done anything or not, even if my friend had wanted to. She admitted that she was crazy about me, but just couldn't do anything like that with me (she is close friends with other members of my family as well, and the guilt was an issue for her as well as for me). And the fact that we had been alone together several times and had the opportunity yet didn't, leads me to think yet again, that I personally would not do something like that because of the type of person I am, and the guilt I would feel. I would only have done that if I felt for sure that my marriage was over (meaning the divorce was final and there was no going back). Don't get me wrong, I wanted to. I definitely wanted to. But there is a difference in my mind, in wanting to vs. physically doing so. I'm not patting myself on the back or anything, because I believe my feelings for her are inappropriate. I just don't know what to do about them.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42434
   Posted 4/26/2011 4:03 PM (GMT -6)   
You should pat yourself on the back. You are being honest and that is truly what I was hoping for. You are right about the job situation. I had a couple of friends that had to move really far away because there is no work here. Things do come up and hopefully an oppertunity will come your way. Keep your faith up that something good will happen to make your life better. I would definately take this one day at a time where your friend and your wife are concerned. Do you think there is any way at all that you are kind of hoping that she messes up so you can be free to be with your friend, or do you want this marriage to work out? I guess that would be the main question left. Maybe it just remains to be seen, whatever happens. I wish you the best.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Backpain Sara
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 30
   Posted 4/26/2011 5:09 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi-Do you and your wife spend time alone together like have a date night where you can go out and have fun together? Have someone look after the kids and try to get that spark back in your marriage. Also you can do some career training part time at night with Everest after work if you want to do another career and get student loans. Also try some fun things with the kids like wild kingdom or amusement park or free parks and make some memories. I know me and my husband broke up for 19 months and he went with someone and me too with an old flame and we realized that we wanted to be together and have been now for 19 years. Also you could talk with a Psychiatrist(or regular Dr.) for therapy since it's covered under you health plan right? instead of counseling.

I also think if your wife is inappropriate on the webcam it looks like she may need a more adventurous love life and you can pretend you're the guy on the webcam spying on her. I wish you all the best and you sound like a great guy to want to stick with it. I hope it works out for you both and will be praying for you. Sara
Chronic back and leg pain. Degenerative disc disease for 3 years and unable to work since injuring my back. EMG/nerve test shows peroneal sciatic nerve is being irritated from L4-L5 disc area. Meds-Oxycontin, Cymbalta, lyrica, flexeril,Wellbutrin, Oxazepam for sleep. TX-facet joint, trigger point, nerve block and epidural injections every year x 3 years with temporary relief only. Did PT.

Wintermute82
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 4/26/2011 5:38 PM (GMT -6)   
Karen,

Yes - I was definitely hoping she would mess up, or I should say hoping that I would catch her messing up so that I would have an excuse to leave without feeling guilty. It makes me feel bad because I don't feel like I want to fix this even though somehow in my heart I know it is the right thing to do. I don't know how to make myself love her, or how to stop loving my friend.

Sara,

You are right, and I have thought about things like that, in fact I think we are going to take the kids to the aquarium after I get paid, sometimes we try to do fun things and it just doesn't work out, for instance there was a special exhibit at the museum we wanted to take them to and it was sold out. One good thing about living with our friend is that she has a large yard for the kids to play in and I try to play with them every day when I get off work. I am actually in school now, I received a grant and I'm working towards a certificate but it is very niche and I don't know how practical it will end up being, it's just that this my second chance at school fully paid, I screwed up my first chance and I don't want to mess this one up so I'm going to finish even if it never amounts to anything. But we shall see. As for more adventure in the bedroom, I would have thought so as well but it never seems like that is what she wants, or if she does she is embarrassed to say what she wants and I'm not a mind reader so it's hard to say. As for the Dr. I don't have insurance. The insurance my work offers is pretty much worthless so it would have just been a waste of money that we can spend on things we need, like diapers and food.

Post Edited (Wintermute82) : 4/27/2011 9:11:16 AM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42434
   Posted 4/27/2011 11:28 AM (GMT -6)   
This is such a hard call. As it is clear you aren't really sure what you want either. I like the suggestions that Sara made. Try and see if you can bring back some spark in the relationship before you give up on it. If she has indescretions, remember, two wrongs don't make a right. Wait for the right time.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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