My Husband Doesn't Understand

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New Member

Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 4/27/2011 6:16 AM (GMT -6)   
This is my first time posting in a chat room and I'm a little nervous. My husband and I have been married for almost a year after dating off and on for 6. I have been battling with depression for about 3 years now. I have trouble opening up to him because he is not a very compassionate person. He thinks this makes him "soft" and he says that he is not a "soft" man. But one of the problems is that he is not the same man I married. He was much more understanding and considerate which I respond to very well. But I have told him that I do not respond well to comments or remarks that come across as hurtful. It makes me want to shut completely down and he just doesn't get that. But he says we have a lack of communication in our marriage, which I agree with. He knows that he is a difficult man but he's not willing to do anything to change. I still love him, but I just feel so confused right now. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Regular Member

Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 262
   Posted 4/27/2011 7:43 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi! and welcome to HW!
have you thought about seeking some outside help? Marriage councelors are great tools to help you figure out how to communicate with each other. Alot of times the communication isn't there because you just don't know how to get your point across to your spouse. This is definatly something we and my wife have an issue with and it takes work to build up the communication.

AS far as him not being a "soft" man, it seems like there is a big difference between being a soft man and caring for your loved one. It makes it even harder when you try to explain what depression is (because trying to explain and living it are orders of magnatide off) and they think you are just "sad" and need to snap out of it. I am not a "soft" man either but in the privacy of my own home with my wife i can be, i cry in front of my wife and unload my troubles and she does the same (although she keeps it in more than i would like).

I guess i would talk to him about seeing a councelor, it doesn't mean that you don't have a good marriage, but there is always room for improvement.

New Member

Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 4/27/2011 8:14 AM (GMT -6)   
In my experience unless you have or have had depression you just can't empathize with those that do. I don't know how many times I have been harshly ordered to "snap out of it" by someone that cares about me but just doesn't get it. In a lot of ways it's about the worst problem you can have because it's so stigmatized by society. You're seen as lazy or "attention seeking" when it takes all your strength to even get out of bed somedays. This lack of empathy by family, friends and society contributes to many depression sufferers eventually committing suicide. We feel alienated and discriminated against and we just want some kind of relief from something somewhere, or at least for people to cut us some slack when it gets really bad.
If your husband doesn't understand, find a support group or a good counselor to talk to. Than at least you won't feel like it's you against the world.
On another note, you might consider getting some extensive blood work done. There could be an underlying physiological cause you aren't aware of. I strongly feel that mine was related to malnutrition as a result of Crohn's Disease because once I started taking iron and B-12 my depression symptoms lessened significantly. I've also had some luck with vitamin c megadosing, but that can give people the runs so I don't recommend it without reading up on it a lot first. cool

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42611
   Posted 4/27/2011 9:49 AM (GMT -6)   
I agree that marriage counseling or regular counseling would help you in this situation. You have to distinguish if it is just you because your depressed or if your husband is being unsympathetic. It sounds like it could be a little of both. We are overly sensitive when we are depressed. But to not have the suppport that you need hurts. I really would consider counseling for yourself to get you past this hurdle.

Keep posting and know that people here do care about you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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