Living with depressed wife

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Tyler275
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 4/28/2011 3:05 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello,
I am really at a loss as to where to begin.  My wife is suffering from depression.  We have worked through this to the point where she is going to see a counsler and get some medications.  I really thought that this was going to help.  So far this is not working.  The only thing that is working is her finding more reason's to get upset with me.  I really listen to her and change based on what she says.  Ok, so now I am working a full time job, taking care of all the responsabilities on the weekend, almost have all the cleaning chores at home, not sure what else I can do.  She just keeps coming up with more issues with me.  My philosphy is to just keep going at it until she has no more excuses, but it seems like that new ones just keep popping up.
For example, we have discussions and come to decisions on certain topics.  We agree, even to a point where sometimes she thanks me for helping her with the decision.  Then weeks or months goes by and the truth just gets so distroted that I am the bad guy again.  She just twists things to see the bad in them just blames me.  It really is not fair and I am not sure what else I can do.
My next step is to go and talk with her counsler.  I don't know what else to do.  So do I ask my wife first?  Do I just call the counsler myself?  I don't want a divorce and will do anything to makes our lives better.  What should I do?

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42430
   Posted 4/28/2011 3:46 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi there,

How long has your wife been on the medications? It takes a good six to eight weeks for them to reach their full effect. If it has been longer than that, maybe she needs a medication adjustment or a mood stabilizer.

It sounds like you are still dealing with the same type issues as you were before meds and counseling. Have you tried couples counseling? That could be an option. Or counseling for yourself to help you deal with this situation. We can all use counseling, that is for sure.

Coming here and getting advice is good too. I am glad that you found us.

I hope that things work out soon.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Chartreux
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9664
   Posted 4/28/2011 7:27 PM (GMT -6)   
I agree that her medicine might not be working and maybe a new
medicine for her is needed, sometimes it can take a few trys to get that one right medicine.
Also, maybe see if getting her out and involved in doing something, like a stitching group
a hobby, that might help...being home alone and cooped up is not always good....
Well wishes to you both....
**********************************************
* So many dx's I could write a book* "It would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...
********>^..^<********>^..^<*******

Tyler275
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 4/29/2011 8:04 AM (GMT -6)   
My wife has been on medications for some time (8 months or so) and they just upped it by 50mg is what she told me.  So I know that I need to be patient and allow time for this to work.  It is just hard to have her so mad at me every day. 
She is very defensive with any questions that I ask about her depression and I feel that for what ever reason she is not being honest with her counsler.  I really do think that after several more sessions with her counsler the counsler should see that I am not the bad guy here.  After her last session she came home and ran over a list of things that I have done to make her unhappy.  We talked about them and I agreed to them with no hesitation.  This still did not help her happyness and she is still finding any reasons to keep blaming me for her unhappyness.  I will go to a counsler with no hesitation, my issue and what I am looking for advice on is do I approach my wife about me seeing the counsler or do I call the counsler myself and don't tell my wife.  With her defensivnes and subborness I am torn as to how to proceed.
My wife does work part time, and knows that I will stay home with the baby (18 month old) anytime she needs to get out. 
From what I read on depression really counsling and medications are the way to treat this.  In life when I know the answer to something I do it, for what ever reason she is taking her time with this and it is frustrating to me.  Do you have any reccomendations for me to help speed this up a little?  That probably sounds bad but I am really wanting this to get better soon. Thanks

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42430
   Posted 4/29/2011 9:58 AM (GMT -6)   
Try not to take your wife's actions and the things she says personal. I know, easier said than done. There is a good chance that she isn't being honest with her counselor. But there is nothing that you can do about that. Other than talk to her counselor and what they say is confidencial. So I don't know if that will help. But I do recommend counseling for you to get the help that you need to deal with this. And whether you tell her or not is up to you. I don't see any reason to hide it. You are doing something to help yourself. There is no easy way to speed up the process. But you don't deserve all the blame. I think you are bending over backwards to make this work and there is only so much that you can do. When she comes home blaming you for everything, it makes me suspicious that she isn't being honest. She has to take some of the blame for her actions.

I hope that you get through this and can save your marriage.

Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Tyler275
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 5/2/2011 8:46 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks for your help and support.  I have a pretty good idea where her anger and depression is stemming from and I have taken action.  We had a couple of family meetings yesterday that were so over the top with drama that hopefully something will change.  At least the blame and anger might have a chance to get directed elsewhere that is more appropriate.  I also brought her friend into the loop to see if she could intervien somehow.  Only time will tell if this will get better.
 
As for counsling for myself I am still questioning that.  Currently I feel like progress is being made and that brings me great hope.  It's the insanity that drives me crazy.  Doing the same thing and expecting a different result is something that I just can't accept.  I made a change over the weekend and like you said this takes time. 
 
For what ever reason just knowing that I can get some feelings out and have someone respond back brings comfort.  Thanks for listenting is really what I am trying to say.   

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42430
   Posted 5/2/2011 9:55 AM (GMT -6)   
The only reason counseling for you was suggested is because I think you need help dealing with your wife's depression and support. They could help you to understand more and teach you how to deal with it and get the blame off of you. I hope that the family meeting helped some. It really is a long process dealing with depression whether it is your own or somebody elses. Maybe the two of you could do something together alone. Maybe you could make it a weekly thing. That might help her. Just keep being patient. Don't take what she says personally. She doesn't mean it, she just probably lashes out no matter who it is. That happens. You get nervous and agitated.

I hope that things work out soon for you and your family.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Tyler275
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 5/3/2011 7:32 AM (GMT -6)   
I guess that I would have another question for you if that is ok to ask.  From this past weekends discussions it is accepted from both of us that my wife is not capable to get upset with her siblings.  She has told me this and I have witnessed this over the years.  I know that every one is different and handles things different ways in life, but I have a brother also and if he did some of the things that her brothers did I would be in his face like no tomorrow.  Or at least get upset with him at the leaset.  So, the breakthrough was to come to acknowledge this and start realizing that she was getting upset with me for her brothers actions. 
 
Is there anyway to change this?  I mean do you have any ideas of how her feelings can get directed to the proper people?  Or, how can she get to a point in life to get upset with her brothers?  Just curious... I know that you respond back to a lot of people on here and I don't want to nag you or anything.  Thanks again for your help and guidence. 

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42430
   Posted 5/3/2011 9:12 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Tyler,

Your wife has to come to the realization as to what is actualoly making her upset. She probably doesn't see clearly enough to know. We lose our sense of objectivity to see things in the right light. This is a really hard question and I don't know if I have an absolute answer for you at this time. I think in time she will see them for what they are. Maybe she can't accept what has happened or that they have done things to her that were wrong. Some people just don't see things for how they really are or don't want to admit how things really are.

I hope that this helps in some small way. Don't ever feel like a pest. That is what we are here for. And hopefully somebody will have some better suggestions. All I can say is take it one day at a time. I am glad that you two are talking. That is a good start.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Tyler275
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 5/3/2011 3:14 PM (GMT -6)   
Karen,
I know it's a tough question and thanks for the help.  I mean the reality of the situation is, without sounding one sided, is that her side of the family is struggling to make ends meet, while my side of the family is in a different boat.  Not that my side doesn't need to work or anything, but my side does work and takes care of their responsabilities.  Her side is almost dependent financially on other people. 
I know this and  I could be very mean about this to my wife, but I don't go there.  I would gain nothing out of putting her side down.  My wife for what ever reason seems to think that she can hide this from me and that I won't find out the truth about her side.  Honestly I don't even understand how she could think that way because it's just so obvious, but she continue's to protect her side.  I can understand why she protects her side, but I just hope that one day she will have the trust in me to not worry about that. 
I will say that last night when my wife was talking to me it was really more of a conversation vs. her dictating so that really gave me hope.  She was almost hesitant with her words and really made an effort to not talk down to me.  All good things.  I just want to keep things moving in the right direction because it is so much easier to look at things in an optomistic way.  Gosh, my spelling is terrrible. 
Thanks again!

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 5/3/2011 5:21 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello,
 
This is Kitt and at our house I am the one with depression.  I hate the disorder but no one asked me if I wanted this problem.  I have lived with depression for 29 years and most of those years I did very well, worked full time, raised 4 children and went everywhere with my hubby.
 
The past 5 years have been very difficult. My family would like a "How to do" book so when I am really upset or depressed and can hardly function they can turn to page 21 and will find the answer on what to do about me.  Last week I came home from the Pdoc and explained to my husband that he  cannot fix me, but he  can love me.  The Drs. and I are working to make me better.
 
A depressed wife can be a sad situation for not only her but you you as well. 
 
Love her. Your wife is in pain and your love for her can often times be the lifeline she needs.  Give her the continued attention and affection that you have in the past.  Maybe even more if you can.  While your love may not turn her feeling around over night, it can put a light at the end of the tunnel. 
 
A counselor or therapist can give you pointers on how to help you understand your wife and how to keep yourself healthy.
 
Kindly,
Kitt
 
 
 
 
~~Kitt~~
Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.
www.healingwell.com

"If you can't change the world, change your world"

stronglady4me
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 5/5/2011 1:16 AM (GMT -6)   
Tyler275 said...
Hello,
I am really at a loss as to where to begin. My wife is suffering from depression. We have worked through this to the point where she is going to see a counsler and get some medications. I really thought that this was going to help. So far this is not working. The only thing that is working is her finding more reason's to get upset with me. I really listen to her and change based on what she says. Ok, so now I am working a full time job, taking care of all the responsabilities on the weekend, almost have all the cleaning chores at home, not sure what else I can do. She just keeps coming up with more issues with me. My philosphy is to just keep going at it until she has no more excuses, but it seems like that new ones just keep popping up.

My next step is to go and talk with her counsler. I don't know what else to do. So do I ask my wife first? Do I just call the counsler myself? I don't want a divorce and will do anything to makes our lives better. What should I do?


First of all she is lucky to have someone so loving in her life. Her "Issues with you" are a diversion so that she doesn't have to look at her own issues or doesn't have to take responsibility for her own issues. Although you sound like a loving and supportive man, you can't fix her. She has to take responsibility for her issues and then find her own answers. You can however take care of yourself while she is doing this. Yes, get yourself some counselling, perhaps with your own counselor. Most counselors won't see family members in individual counselling sessions because it could be a conflict of interest. You need a support system as much as she does.

Tyler275
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 5/5/2011 7:53 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks for the support.  I guess I have a little confusion.  Ok, so if her anger towards me is a diversion for her real problems how can a counsler help me?  I am not one to really take advice, well that sounds bad, I am not one that tollerates well other people telling me what to do.  I know my wife better than anyone and if she is pissed at me how can my counsler change her?  I have gotten hope from posting on this site for the past week or so just to know that others have similar issues in their lives.  For some reason this helps me to just get some of my feelings out on paper and forces me to understand what is going on by having to explain it to others. 
I will say, and sorry if this offends people, that the last post prior to this one was from a depressed wife.  Her story was hard for me to hear and did not help my feelings after I read it.  I understand that this is a free speech type of situation and I will just leave it at that.
So after digressing a little it brings me back to the same question.  A counsler to me seems like they will explain my wifes depression so that I can understand or have compassion or what ever else (words) to help me cope with this.  Ok, this is not what I am looking for.  I am looking for my wife to take her real issues and deal with them and not have me be the blame for them.  That is my issue and if a counsler for me can help change that I would really like to know how before pursuing that direction.  That is why I was trying to figure out a way for me to be able to talk with her counsler.  Like I said in prior posts, what I have done is bring some family and friends into the reality of the situation this past weekend, and it seems to have done something.  Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  There is so much truth to that and a change was needed from me to keep my sanity.  I was afraid of retaliation from my wife for bringing others into this for help, and am glad that I took the chance because so far so good.  I have patience and will continue being patient.  Moving forward just keeps me going. 
Thanks.

rcmoonpie
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 299
   Posted 5/5/2011 8:07 AM (GMT -6)   
It sounds to me as if you both have built up resentments - toward each other and towards the disease. You've got to look at this disease and tackle it as a couple. My advice - leave the families (inlaws) out of it and concentrate on how you can help each other. But to do that, you both have to come to terms with the anger you feel towards the disease...and acknowledge the love you have for one another. Good luck to you both.

Pam

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42430
   Posted 5/5/2011 9:33 AM (GMT -6)   
The counseling would help you to deal with her depression. And often depression gets to the healthy person too. That is where counseling can help you. It gives you tactics and teaches you what to say that wont get her riled up. I know it is hard, but I think that is the best thing that you can do. You will learn from the counselor how to handle things, this could very well help her too.

JMHO

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Geo78
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 7/20/2011 2:25 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm new here, but it sounds like you might be able to help me. My wife and I have been married for almost 8 years and dated for 5 years before that. When we first started dating in college she dealt with some form of depression with counseling and medication. I think she did this for about 6 months and then quit both counseling and the medication. We both come from broken families and I believe she endured some mental and physical abuse from a stepmother growing up. Three years ago we separated for a few months and got back together. At that time she thought the marriage was over and felt counseling was a lost cause. I held out hope and even went to counseling alone when she refused to go with me. She did go to counseling alone, eventually came back to me and things got much better. So much so that we have a beautiful two year old daughter now. Now I feel like I'm going through all of this again. She is irritated with almost anything, very difficult to communicate with and has no hope that problems in our marriage are repairable. She did come to see a psychiatrist with me yesterday and reluctantly agreed to keep coming to see him with me. Other people we know believe they see a change in her as far as being more cynical and unhappy. I believe there are plenty of things we can work on in our marriage, but I also believe there are issues outside of our marriage that she is not recognizing or dealing with, but at the same time the unhappiness is being focused on our marriage. If my wife is possibly depressed and undiagnosed, how do I go about talking with her about this subject? She can actually be quite pleasant sometimes now, as long as I'm not talking about our marriage. Other times she is extremely protective of her privacy, withholds any form of affection for me and just generally seems upset with everything. She has been dealing with the stress of moving her business recently. The somewhat debilitating stress she was feeling from this move didn't quite seem to me like an ordinary way of dealing with a stressful situation. I feel like things could go very wrong if I am the one to broach the subject with her of possibly being depressed. Would this likely come up in counseling with the psychologist? I don't want to send a message to my wife that I think she's got problems and I'm fine and the marriage is fine. That's not what I believe. I do believe that her behavior has changed and the little I've read about depression makes me think this could be playing a role in our problems. Thanks!

Geo78
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 7/20/2011 2:28 PM (GMT -6)   
I just read my post and wanted to clarify. The counselor we have started seeing is a psychologist. It looks like I typed psychiatrist in my original post.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42430
   Posted 7/20/2011 3:37 PM (GMT -6)   
I honestly believe that since she is seeing a psychologist that the depression will come out in that therapy. I would let that happen before I would talk about it to her. Otherwise she might go on the defensive of that topic. So let the therapist do the work and just hope for improvements. I sure hope that things work out for her. Remember that this is a slow process, and it does sound like there are stressors involved that could be making things worse.

Here is hoping that you are having a good day.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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