Still frustrated but seeing positive signs

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Mike619er
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 429
   Posted 4/30/2011 6:24 PM (GMT -6)   
It's been awhile since I've posted up on here.  I hope everyone has been alright the last week or so since I last checked in.  I've been doing pretty well for the most part the past few weeks.  I still am dealing with the physical feelings and mood swings that seem to always plague me with this anxiety/depression.  I get that ridiculous out of body experience so much it really does drive me nuts at times.  I was talking to my therapist the other night and he was asking me what causes my angry mood swings?
 
After stopping and thinking about it I realized that it's the feeling of fear/weakness.  That feeling that I'm not good enough, the feeling that i'm scared, infuriates me.  So when I get the feelings of depersonlization/out of body feelings/confusion, my minds start racing with thoughts of "Why the hell can't you just man up and stick this out?  Pull it together darnit".
 
I look at this as kind of a positive sign though because I'm getting that fight back, a little bit atleast.  There's still times where I'll panic over something ridiculously stupid, but I am definetly gaining some of the confidence back.  I just really despise the out of body/depersonlization feelings though.  They get so strong that I wonder how I'm walking/talking/working/etc.
 
One thing though that I'm wrestling with is whether or not to go on with talk therapy.  I really don't want to go on any kind of medication.  Is it normal that I get angry with my therapist often?  He just makes these ridiculous comments sometimes that make me honestly incredibly pissed.  I actually came back at him in our last session because he was talking about how I "avoid" things and how that got me into this position I'm in now.
 
First off.....you don't know me.  You know the guy that walked into your office now lacking A LOT of confidence, very unsure and scared and looking for help.  Just because I walked in here like this at 25 doesn't mean I was like this at 21-22.  Yea I had my insecurities, but show me a teenager who doesn't.  Just because I'm in your office and looking for guidance doesn't give you the right to say certain things.  I get the impression that he thinks that I'm this big complete panzy my entire life.  If he only knew the driven/confident/fully functional and very limited anxiety guy that I was a couple of years ago, atleast confident in the aspect of sports/social situations/work.  Never really had the confidence in talking to women or relatoinships, but anyway......here's what he said this time that pissed me off.
 
We were discussing how in life sometimes you have to take a risk and do something to be able to receive a reward.  He drew up a comparison to how he's going to greece and he hates flying, but he's going to just pump himself up full of valume and suck it up and go.  Then he proceeds to tell me "That's the difference between me and you, I get on the ****ing plane".  So I came right back at him and said "You don't know me to say something like that, for years and years I'd get on the ****ing plane".  Normal for someone to have these sorts of battles/confrontations with their therapists?  I told him also that I need to start being smart and save money and that I'd like to cut it down to twice a month instead of every week, and he insists on weekly meetings because he thinks I need it that badly.  Little does he know that when he makes those comments every darn week that I'm closer and closer to just leaving and telling him off.  This is going to be my 5th therapist in the past year and a half.  Starting to feel like a nutjob for going through these therapists like this.
 
And as messed up as it sounds, I kind of feel like this anger/frustration that I have is more me then the scared hopeless feeling guy that I was and can still sometimes be.  But atleast it makes me feel like I have my own opinion/ideas again.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42438
   Posted 4/30/2011 7:24 PM (GMT -6)   
It sounds like this therapy is good for you. Maybe he wants to get that side of you to ocme out. And it sounds like it is working. I think you are making great progress. You will see it more clearly as time goes by. Keep up the good work.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20190
   Posted 5/1/2011 2:47 AM (GMT -6)   
agree 100% with karen. well done on the progress miker. jamie :-)
SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , BI-POLAR AFFECTIVE DISORDER AXIS 1

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.
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