I feel like I am in the middle of a major depressive episode or something. For the last couple of weeks I just feel overwhelmed, confused, like I can't think straight. I am tearing up over things that seem odd--like today in church I started to cry every time I sang a hymn. I am feeling like everything is hopeless, I am helpless, I am useless, and the people in my life would be better off without me.
I feel this way even though I know that it is not rational. I have four children and a husband, a dog, and a cat. I am a high school teacher and teach about 170 kids every day. In my mind I know that there are so many people who would be devastated if I died, but I still sometimes want to. I have been dealing with depression pretty much since puberty, and have been on meds since about 21--consistently on them for the past eight years or so. I recognize the symptoms of depression and I recognize the irrational thinking, but I still can't seem to snap out of it.
At work I am the cheerleader so to speak. Between classes I stand at my door and greet everyone I see, by name if possible, with a smile. I make an effort to make sure that I am staying positive. This is on the outside, and I can usually manage to keep it up for a little while after I get home, and I can usually make it through dinner or baseball practice, but every night my husband sees me completely crumble, and lately it's been more and more difficult not to crumble during the day. I do go through periods when I feel okay for a few hours, sometimes even good. That's usually when I am focused on something and being successful, like when I am teaching a class and at least some of the kids are really into it, or when I'm watching my son play baseball.
This is the part that is new-- more and more often I am confused, can't find things, can't make decisions, and overreact to problems. I have a very short fuse, and when I get mad I can feel my face get hot, and I tremble and feel shaky for a few minutes afterward. My husband says that sounds like high blood pressure, but my blood pressure is always fine when I get it checked.
I know I need to see a doctor, but the thought of scheduling something else sends me into a mini-panic attack. My husband has been trying to get me an appointment with a psychiatrist, but I haven't got one yet. I need to figure out something to do in the meantime. I am already taking Wellbutrin and xanax twice a day.
I just feel so all alone. My husband is very frustrated with listening to me because he can't fix it. I don't really have any friends close enough to share these thoughts and feelings with....so I've turned to the internet. Help?
I think my post may be too long and nobody wants to read this much. I'm trying not to take it personally that no one is replying. Taking everything personally is another one of those irrational thought/feeling patterns....
Post Edited (polianna) : 5/1/2011 3:41:04 PM (GMT-6)