what's wrong with me?

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

polianna
New Member


Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 5/1/2011 3:33 PM (GMT -6)   
I feel like I am in the middle of a major depressive episode or something.  For the last couple of weeks I just feel overwhelmed, confused, like I can't think straight.  I am tearing up over things that seem odd--like today in church I started to cry every time I sang a hymn.  I am feeling like everything is hopeless, I am helpless, I am useless, and the people in my life would be better off without me. 
 
 I feel  this way even though I know that it is not rational.  I have four children and a husband, a dog, and a cat.  I am a high school teacher and teach about 170 kids every day.  In my mind I know that there are so many people who would be devastated if I died, but I still sometimes want to. I have been dealing with depression pretty much since puberty, and have been on meds since about 21--consistently on them for the past eight years or so.  I recognize the symptoms of depression and I recognize the irrational thinking, but I still can't seem to snap out of it. 
 
At work I am the cheerleader so to speak.  Between classes I stand at my door and greet everyone I see,  by name if possible, with a smile.  I make an effort to make sure that I am staying positive. This is on the outside, and I can usually manage to keep it up for a little while after I get home, and I can usually make it through dinner or baseball practice, but every night my husband sees me completely crumble, and lately it's been more and more difficult not to crumble during the day.  I do go through periods when I feel okay for a few hours, sometimes even good.  That's usually when I am focused on something and being successful, like when I am teaching a class and at least some of the kids are really into it, or when I'm watching my son play baseball. 
 
This is the part that is new-- more and more often I am confused, can't find things, can't make decisions, and overreact to problems.  I have a very short fuse, and when I get mad I can feel my face get hot, and I tremble and feel shaky for a few minutes afterward. My husband says that sounds like high blood pressure, but my blood pressure is always fine when I get it checked. 
 
I know I need to see a doctor, but the thought of scheduling something else sends me into a mini-panic attack. My husband has been trying to get me an appointment with a psychiatrist, but I haven't got one yet.  I need to figure out something to do in the meantime.  I am already taking Wellbutrin and xanax twice a day.
 
I just feel so all alone.  My husband is very frustrated with listening to me because he can't fix it.  I don't really have any friends close enough to share these thoughts and feelings with....so I've turned to the internet. Help?
 
I think my post may be too long and nobody wants to read this much.  I'm trying not to take it personally that no one is replying. Taking everything personally is another one of those irrational thought/feeling patterns....

Post Edited (polianna) : 5/1/2011 3:41:04 PM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42611
   Posted 5/1/2011 4:54 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi there Polianna,

Weekends are rather slow on the forum, in fact I am surprised to see so many new posts right now. I think your husband is right with wanting you to see the psychiatrist. I go and got on some good meds, I also go to counseling. Both really help me. The psychiatrist added a mood stabilizer to my mix. I take prisiq, xanax and the mood stabilizer called abilify. It is expensive even with insurance, but it really helps. The wellbutrin could need to be adjusted. It made me kind of nervous at a high dose so I went off of it and onto effexor which I took for many years but switched to the pristiq when effexor went generic. Plus I had to take the max dose of effexor which is 375mg, apposed to one pill of pristiq, 100mg. But I had to take five capsules of the effexor and it was getting to be too much as I take ten different things for different reasons. That is a lot of medications. But I guess I have issues that need them.

It does sound like a mood stabilizer would help you as you are getting aggitated you said and crying a lot. Counseling is a wonderful way to get better. I always recommend it. Coming here helps too. And it will be busier come Monday. Be patient. There will be others replying.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42611
   Posted 5/1/2011 6:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Polianna,

I hope that you didn't give up on us. There really is a great group of members here. It is just that weekends are slow. I guess people are out doing things on this beautiful day. I hope that your day was good.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 5/1/2011 7:08 PM (GMT -6)   
sorry am a mess, but i am still trying to post and help others, hi i am jamie. i see a therapist and a shrink and am on meds. i think the best thing for you is to talk to your doctor. writing down stuff will aide your doc with assessment. know that we are here for you. yes because of my diabetes i struggle with long posts, but i got an idea, and from reading karens reply. eyes, focus issues, also i didn't get to your post because of time zone stuff, just got up, had a late night as well, sleep issues, jamie
SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , BI-POLAR AFFECTIVE DISORDER AXIS 1

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

polianna
New Member


Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 5/1/2011 10:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks so much for the support, and for understanding how much it means that there are people out there who understand and care.

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 5/1/2011 11:56 PM (GMT -6)   
:-) :-) jamie
SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , BI-POLAR AFFECTIVE DISORDER AXIS 1

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

lyn18
New Member


Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 5/3/2011 6:13 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Polianna,

I'm new to this forum and this is my first post here. I saw your post titled 'what's wrong with me' and I clicked it 'cuz that's how I felt for a very long time before I found out I have anxiety and depression. I have been taking meds for the past year and I just want to let you know that everyting will turn out ok in the end if you give it a little time and patience. I say that because few weeks ago, I felt different from what I normally feel. I was the happiest I have ever been in a long time. This was coupled by the fact that I didn't put too much pressure on myself to be a social butterfly (which I normally do) and I just plainly concentrated on my inner peace and happiness. I also took my meds regularly and did not drink. I strongly encourage you to see a psychiatrist. You may not want to, but the first step is always the hardest. Once you take that first step, everything becomes easier, trust me. Talk to your psychiatrist, don't hold back anything and take your meds. Your husband and your children love you. You may not feel it because of your depression, but do believe and do know that that is true. Have a great week, Polianna. Hope to hear from you soon. God Bless.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42611
   Posted 5/3/2011 6:37 AM (GMT -6)   
Lyn,

That was a very kind post. Welcome to the depression forum. I am so glad that you have joined us.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

LulaMae
New Member


Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 5/3/2011 9:46 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi polianna,
I am new here as well and your post really spoke to me please know that you are not alone and i really hope this will be a great medium for everyone to get well together.

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 5/4/2011 3:24 AM (GMT -6)   
healing prayers 4 us all. jamie :-)
SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , BI-POLAR AFFECTIVE DISORDER AXIS 1

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

stronglady4me
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 5/5/2011 2:10 AM (GMT -6)   
It is very possible that you may be experiencing peri-menopausal symptoms. I too have dealt with depression much of my adult life and things did change when I got to that stage. Also, for some people, some medications become less effective after a while. See you doctor, discuss all of these concerns and see if changing it up may help you out.

Chartreux
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9664
   Posted 5/10/2011 7:41 PM (GMT -6)   
Polianna,
if these feelings are just suddening onset please go get checked out by your pcp
Primary care doctor...if they are built up then please seek out the
help of a good therapist or psychologists, you may or may not needs medicines...
they can decide about that but should you need medicines they have a very good
list of depression medicines out there some work better than others and sometimes the
first ones don't work so good, so another might work better, but please go seek out help...
keep us posted, we do care....well wishes...
**********************************************
* So many dx's I could write a book* "It would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...
********>^..^<********>^..^<*******

Sam73
New Member


Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 5/15/2011 5:16 PM (GMT -6)   
Polianna,

It's good that part of you is still optimistic :) Begin an optimist definitely is going to help you in long run, I hope and I believe. I'm very new to here and I think we all go through that at some point in our lives. I've been like that ever since I left home after high school and am still like that where in outside I'm all good but inside, I'm slowly getting chewed up by many different things. I think seeing a professional definitely is going to help but also you being an optimistic and cheerful person is already going to be a big help. I say that because I had teachers that were like that back in my school and it always make me feel amazing to have ppl like that b/c they always make my day, when I see them smiling and cheering students. You got a lot in your life, your husband, your kids and your students! You are part of their lives and they are part of your life. It will get better, just have faith and be the kind, cheerful person you are. I really do hope you will get better and you can have that smile not only on outside but also inside not only for yourself but also for all those that care about you...and that include ppl on here. Even though we may not know you personally, we all want ppl to be happy because that's when we ourselves begin to gain happiness as well.

I hope this help. I don't have that much experience when it comes to this, but this is from personal point of view.

Keep on smiling :)

Sam. :)
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Saturday, September 22, 2018 10:15 AM (GMT -6)
There are a total of 3,005,665 posts in 329,249 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 161795 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, jjakefamily.
236 Guest(s), 4 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
MauiViv, Chow Wan, HeatherXelda, dsrouillard