boyfriend suffering from depression

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New Member

Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 5/6/2011 12:23 PM (GMT -6)   
I have held out from posting on here for over 4 months, but I may have reached a breaking point. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3.5 years. I am a senior in college in Indiana, he is a Junior back home on the west coast. He and i are best friends. He is the sweetest man, shy and gentle, slow to anger, and loyal. But all that has changed in the last six months. It was slow at first--he was dealing with some family and friend issues, and started worrying about the future; I am going to law school next year and he hated thinking about a possible 3 more years of long distance. Anyway, these worries started taking a toll on him, and he wouldn't talk about it, but started getting quick to anger and emotionally shutting down on me. The last 3 months have been the worst 3 months I've ever had. I haven't been home since New years, and i know that is a huge factor in this already down-hill slide he was dealing with, but he has escalated to being verbally and emotionally abusive over the phone--swearing at me, ignoring my phone calls, treating me like i'm dirt---something that has never happened before in the previous 3 years. His family has noticed how angry and not himself he has been, but they don't talk about things like that so haven't helped. I've been noticing the signs of depression, having experienced a horrible bout of it myself 2 years ago, and have tried to get him to go talk to someone or at least open up to me. He seems to have forgotten how bad I felt two years ago and wont accept that he may be experiencing that same thing. Always a religious person, he stopped going to Church, doesn't want to talk to me on the phone much--and usually when he does, it is in anger and abusive--, much more interested in going out and drinking than he used to be, sleeping more than he ever had to before, and told me sometimes he thinks he should just disappear because life is never going to get better. he tells me that feeling numb is almost something he enjoys right now, because he doesn't have to deal with missing me or how im suffering or the other worries he has plagued himself with. The few times I've been able to break through the depression, he has cried and been scared and sorry for how he treats me--but these have gotten less and less lately.

I have tried everything to try and connect with him, but he has started to push me into some depression myself, with emotional scars that I'm not sure i can overcome. Mostly, I am just angry for how he is treating me--not angry at the fact that he's suffering, but the fact that he is being too selfish to go get help. he will be here in 2 weeks for graduation, but i am at the point now where I almost dont want to see him. I love the boy he still is, down deep inside that i still catch a glimpse of every now and then, and that is the only thing that is still keeping me hanging on. he will not open up about how he feels anymore; just gets angry and starts in on me whenever I try. I know me not being there is a big factor in this; if i were there, i think he may have opened up more the last few months, because we both hate talking on the phone all the time. but the fact is, I am not there. and we have done 3 years of long distance before this, so if he was rational and healthy, it wouldn't be a problem. I am nervous to return home this summer, because I will not be able to deal with him treating me the way he has over the phone in person--he scares me almost because i dont recognize this person, as does no one else who has noticed at home. Please, I'd love some advice or stories of people being as low as he is, and lashing out at the person you love most, and recovering. because I am beginning to think that the man i'm in love with is gone forever.

Post Edited (barry_25) : 5/6/2011 11:29:42 AM (GMT-6)

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 5/6/2011 1:12 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Marie,

And welcome to the HealingWell Depression forum. I am sorry for what you are going through, and it sounds like you are doing the best that you can to cope with the situation. There isn't much more that you can do other than try to persuade him to get the help he needs either through medicaions or therapy. You know the saying, "we always hurt the ones we love". That seems to be the situation here.

I wish that I had more encouraging words for you. I think you should see him when the time comes and talk to him about it. If he gets defensive, end the conversation. But you should not have to take any of his abuse, verbal or otherwise. And I wouldn't stand for it. Let him know that you are not going to sit there and take it and until he gets some help, you aren't going to be available. It might come down to that. As his abusive nature will start to bring you down and you just plain don't deserve to be treated in that way. But at the same time remember that it is the depression talking.

I know that you are in a hard spot. I don't know what it will take him to get help. It is hard to watch somebody you love suffer with depression, but you have to take care of you too. Think of you first. Weigh it out and see if it is worth persueing the relationship. He will most likely get better in time, but you have college to worry about. So don't stop living because of his illness.

That is about all I know to say. Believe me, I know it is hard. Keep posting, maybe somebody else will have some other options for you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Elite Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 5/7/2011 2:14 AM (GMT -6)   
my outlet is music. jamie.
and walking. helps clear the head.

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