Posted 5/15/2011 3:53 PM (GMT -7)
Three months ago, I moved into a new living situation. I rent a room in a house with two people I met after I read their ad on Craigslist. I thought since I was moving to the stereotypically gay neighborhood of the city I live in, that the two guys I would be living with would not be interested in women, let alone me. After everything that's happened in the last three months, I still don't know whether or not that's true for one of the guys, which is bugging me to no end.
I am depressed, anxious, self-conscious - all that fun stuff. I have been for awhile. I've been doing different things to feel better, but whatever. I still feel these feelings. However, I made some really dumb decisions lately (so maybe I can't complain) that has amplified everything.
The door to the room I rent is about three feet across from my housemate's door. We share a bathroom. At first, I was convinced he was gay; he was in a burlesque show, his definition of 'running errands' meant stopping by the sex emporium (that was an interesting experience), and the way he talked about girls all made it sound like he wasn't really attracted to the opposite sex. How wrong I was. I made the mistake of having conversations about sexuality with him (while I was convinced that he was gay), only to discover at the end of a lengthy one that he was, in his estimation, about 80% heterosexual. Great. One such late night conversation ended with him saying something along the lines of "I'm gonna go *********. You wanna join?" Being stupid, insecure, desperate for physical contact/affirmation that I am loveable, I had sex with him that night. It happened a second time, and then a third - and we even had a conversation about how it was just a 'friends with benefits' set-up. No one would feel any romantic feelings, and the minute they did we would end it. Of course this is a stupid thing to think, because there are always feelings involved; it'd be weird if there weren't. Anyway, I was so desperate for someone to love me (it wasn't even about the sex so much as the idea that someone wanted to be that close to me) that I actually got on board with our arrangement. We weren't a couple, but we could hook up. I felt good about it, and convinced myself that I didn't feel feelings for this guy.
Then he lowered the boom. I forget how we even started talking about it, but he basically informed me that there was another woman in his life who "made him want to be monogamous". He didn't know if she felt for him what he felt for her, but he knew that he could "be a better friend to me if we didn't hook up". I've met this girl, and she is beautiful. She's closer to his age (he's older than I am), petite, cute, sexy, etc.
I feel really dumb, but also like the rug was pulled out from under me. I mean - this wasn't my idea! I didn't propose friends with benefits, he did! So I told this story to my therapist, and he told me to "just say no". I thought that would be akin to saying "I quit!" after someone fires you, so I didn't really say anything. Then I got drunk two nights ago and asked if he wanted to have "a five-minute spoon" in my bed. It was nice being warm, held, etc.
But looking back on Friday night, I also feel really stupid. It's so obvious! All that happened was we cuddled and then I pleasured him. He left my bed for his, and tucked me in on his way out. At first I clung to this as one of those "oh, he really is a nice guy" moves, but, no, right? That's weird. And how much more obvious could it be that he is getting everything he wants while I am getting nothing that I want? At the same time, I still live with him (for two more weeks), and don't hate him. Not even a little. As irrational as it is, I still want to be with him. Around him. Hanging out. I want to hate him, but I can't. What makes it worse is that I don't think he thinks he's hurting me, because we had a deal. No feelings. Which, before you saying anything, I realize isn't possible, but I agreed to it, so I can't really complain. We've only ever 'hooked up' really late at night, even though on the weekends we're often in the house at the same time alone. It's weird. It's awkward. I'm sad.
Not only does he not want to be with me, but there isn't even necessarily another relationship. Which, apparently, even if there were, he wouldn't mind because he wants to have 'open relationships' and be polyamorous. Which is fine, whatever, but... I feel cheated. He sold me on this idea that I was pretty, desirable, sexy, interesting, etc. and then basically made it clear that even though he didn't have any other prospects, he didn't want to hook up with me anymore. I guess the boiled down version is that I was left feeling more insecure than before (rejected because I was insecure/immature, etc.), which only made my depression worse. UGH. And I can't even hate the guy! I am still attracted to him, despite seeing that he really wouldn't be a good partner sexually or otherwise. He's perfectly nice, and I really don't think he knows how much he's hurting me, or how much what he did hurt me. We had very open, honest talks about how "Holly [this other girl] was in the picture" and even though he and she didn't "have any terms" and she was "seeing other people", he really liked her. Which would have made a lot more sense if this had all been sequential, but we were hooking up and he was into it WHILE she was in the picture, so nothing really changed. Except that he woke up and decided that I was repulsive.
I feel stupid for feeling hurt. I cry all the time, sometimes because I'm sad and depressed, and other times because I'm so frustrated. I don't know what to do, and there probably isn't a good answer, but I just thought I would send this into the cosmos. I've talked to my girlfriends, but even hearing myself say what's happened out loud makes me feel horrible. And selfish. And stupid. I feel like I've tried in recent days (which is hard, because of the semi-hook-up on Friday night) to be normal around him. I feel like a petulant child. I'm not getting what I want so I cry a lot. I asked a couple days ago could we hang out sometime, and he said that he was busy until today; today he would pencil me in for some "hang out time". We played cards for about 10 minutes and it was super awkward. He kept checking his phone like someone was supposed to call him (maybe they're were, I don't know), and then awkwardly was like "oh I'm gonna go take a nap". I can see myself being a terrible person (complaining then apologizing, being high maintenance, being ugly), but I can't stop. Or I can't get him to like me. Which just saying that sounds dumb, but it's how I feel. Why not me? I can tell myself a million times that there will be someone at some point, but there's no reason to believe it's true. There may very well not be. Whatever. Even now, I'm sitting in the living room about to cry (which is awkward, because I never used to just burst out crying in light, open, spaces during the day), and he's playing with his Rubik's cube alone in his room. Awkward. I want to say something, but clearly having "open, honest discussions" have just made me sadder because nothing is sugar coated. There was no reason given for wanting to not hook up with me any more, other than he might have feelings for Holly, which, according to his polyamorous philosophy should be totally OK. It's like that part in "When Harry Met Sally" when Sally's upset because her ex marries someone else. I think she put it well when she said "he didn't not want to get married - he just didn't want to marry me." I'm not talking about wanting to get married, but it sure feels crummy to sleep with a guy and then realize that you weren't what he wanted. A friend of mine told me that it was like he tried to have a one-night stand with someone he lived with. Clearly it's not going to work. I'm going through simultaneous big life changes, and am on the verge of a freak-out... I just feel really stupid even having feelings about this situation. I don't know whether or not he's over it (he was in my bed on Friday night), so I can't not think about it. Logically, I should be able to talk to him about it and say "hey, this is awkward" but obviously all this stuff is way easier said than done.