Hey all it's been a hell of a ride since I last posted here. I really don't know where to go or what to do with my life anymore. I feel absolutely no interest/desire/motivation to do anything. I'm just lying around all day and watching pointless shows (that I don't even remember after I'm done watching them). When I do meet up with friends, something I try to do 2-3x a week, it feels unreal and totally fake. I don't feel any sort of connection at all, I just feel totally alone. I'm nervous as hell most of the time, and it's really starting to frustrate the crap out of me.
I was seeing a psychologist for the last month and a half/2 months and he was telling me that he thinks that I would benefit from being on meds. I've tried the meds in the past and all they did was make me put on weight that to this day, I am still not able to rid myself of. I am pretty darn confused on where to go from here. I'm at this bank job now in which I'm currently trying to move up and get a promotion but because I've only been here 8 months my limited experience is the reason why I can't. I can't help but think when I'm sitting at work that I'm going crazy, just sitting there in one spot all darn day counting the clock down to 430 when I can get out of there. I think a lot about what if I had a job where I was more active and able to move around, and think less. But then I realize no, I would just find some other way of driving myself nuts more then likely. I'm such a wreck that it's hard for me to even hold conversations, I lost interest/focus in like a minute. I'm starting to think maybe it's AD/HD, or maybe I'm really truly becoming a schizophrenic.
I'm at the crossroads now of really having no f'ing idea of what to do. I have all these ideas of things I want to do.
1 - Leave this job now and go work with my family business and just try and admit and accept the fact that I'm messed up
2 - Continue with the job I'm in even though I don't enjoy it, and go back to college for computer information systems (even though that would sitll be a desk job probably)
3 - Continue with the job I'n in even though I don't enjoy it, and go back to college for achitecture/construction (have no experience in this field but atleast it'd be something active and I seem to be a little better with physical work....atleast mentally)
4 - Admit failure to be ok on my own and one again run back to a psychiatrist to get myself all drugged up
5 - Continue and try and plow this rough time with my job and see what happens. Maybe I'll lose my mind, maybe I won't
These are the things I think about non stop, 24/7. The thoughts never stop, I just am wrapped up in this completely and I'm absolutely numb to just about everything around me. Family and friends seem foreign and unfamiliar, don't really know what to do or say to them. And even watching tv shows or sports, I just am absolutely uninterested in all of it. Nothing keeps my attention at all and I just stare and watch the clock slowly creep towards 9-10 pm so I can pop my melatonin pills and go to sleep. Another day down, successfull day only because I survived it and get to wake up to another day of absolute garbage.