Still Struggling/At a crossroads

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Mike619er
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 429
   Posted 5/22/2011 6:07 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey all it's been a hell of a ride since I last posted here.  I really don't know where to go or what to do with my life anymore.  I feel absolutely no interest/desire/motivation to do anything.  I'm just lying around all day and watching pointless shows (that I don't even remember after I'm done watching them).  When I do meet up with friends, something I try to do 2-3x a week, it feels unreal and totally fake.  I don't feel any sort of connection at all, I just feel totally alone.  I'm nervous as hell most of the time, and it's really starting to frustrate the crap out of me.
 
I was seeing a psychologist for the last month and a half/2 months and he was telling me that he thinks that I would benefit from being on meds.  I've tried the meds in the past and all they did was make me put on weight that to this day, I am still not able to rid myself of.  I am pretty darn confused on where to go from here.  I'm at this bank job now in which I'm currently trying to move up and get a promotion but because I've only been here 8 months my limited experience is the reason why I can't.  I can't help but think when I'm sitting at work that I'm going crazy, just sitting there in one spot all darn day counting the clock down to 430 when I can get out of there.  I think a lot about what if I had a job where I was more active and able to move around, and think less.  But then I realize no, I would just find some other way of driving myself nuts more then likely.  I'm such a wreck that it's hard for me to even hold conversations, I lost interest/focus in like a minute.  I'm starting to think maybe it's AD/HD, or maybe I'm really truly becoming a schizophrenic.
 
I'm at the crossroads now of really having no f'ing idea of what to do.  I have all these ideas of things I want to do.
 
Idea number....
1 - Leave this job now and go work with my family business and just try and admit and accept the fact that I'm messed up
2 - Continue with the job I'm in even though I don't enjoy it, and go back to college for computer information systems (even though that would sitll be a desk job probably)
3 - Continue with the job I'n in even though I don't enjoy it, and go back to college for achitecture/construction (have no experience in this field but atleast it'd be something active and I seem to be a little better with physical work....atleast mentally)
4 - Admit failure to be ok on my own and one again run back to a psychiatrist to get myself all drugged up
5 - Continue and try and plow this rough time with my job and see what happens.  Maybe I'll lose my mind, maybe I won't
 
 
These are the things I think about non stop, 24/7.  The thoughts never stop, I just am wrapped up in this completely and I'm absolutely numb to just about everything around me.  Family and friends seem foreign and unfamiliar, don't really know what to do or say to them.  And even watching tv shows or sports, I just am absolutely uninterested in all of it.  Nothing keeps my attention at all and I just stare and watch the clock slowly creep towards 9-10 pm so I can pop my melatonin pills and go to sleep.  Another day down, successfull day only because I survived it and get to wake up to another day of absolute garbage.

Chartreux
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9664
   Posted 5/22/2011 7:57 PM (GMT -6)   
Get an appointment with your primary care doctor and explain all this to him/her you
could have a medical problem and I would urge you to get some bloodwork done to
see if everything is okay and then go from there, but get checked out first and error
on the side of caution, a lot of medical ailments can cause low energy levels, some
of which are vitamin defencies...(sorry my spellings not so good). Ans never admit your
a failure, no one is...you are important and keep us posted, others will come by with better advise
Well wishes...
**********************************************
* So many dx's I could write a book* "It would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...
********>^..^<********>^..^<*******

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20190
   Posted 5/22/2011 8:50 PM (GMT -6)   
miker. you are a precious human being with gifts and talents unique to you. remember to be true, be you and love you. here for ya. chartreux makes sound sense. keep posting-we care about you!!!!!!! jamie
SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

2Hawaii
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 82
   Posted 5/22/2011 9:24 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi mike619er--are U in the SD area? No matter, I've been where you are at and here's what I've found after a life time (I'm 65 now) of doing battle with what sounds like at a min. depression and possibly ADHD. As for the job, it will just drive you to frustration to stay on a job you don't like. So 1st I'd say don't stay on that job. If you are ADHD, then staying still at a desk job would be very difficult. It sounds like you'd be happier doing something at least physical to some degree. As for achitecture, been there, tried that same idea...my opinion, not a good idea if you are ADHD...too much math and concentration and a great deal of detail work would be required...that doesn't sound like a match for you. Construction, maybe...depends upon what you'd be doing, but it's a hard market to get a job in doing physical construction work these days. Your idea to go back to the family business, well, what is that business? Maybe, depending upon what it is. Family is often more understanding when you have problems of this nature than a boss will be...something to consider. Your idea to go back to school for computers/electronics, well that field is pretty filled up with lots of educated people looking for any job they can get. I really think the window for that type of job is pretty tight. I'd suggest you look at the stock market to see what is the up and coming buss. I think you can get some ideas from seeing what are the stock sectors that are moving up. Your thoughts on going back to your Psy and get drugged up...well yes and no...yes it's good to go back to the Psy (psychologist is what I'd suggest...they are different) With feeling like you do it would be a good thing to do and it might be a really good idea to consider going on certain drugs, BUT read up on any drugs your Dr. wants to give you before you take them. I've been on some really bad RX drugs...Lamictal comes to mind (that one should be taken off the market, IMHO)...and some really good ones..Wellbutrin, that I'm now on. So in my estimation, going to a Psy & psychologist and going on certain drugs couild be very good for you at this time, if the combination is right for you. You could get your motivation back and become much happier and feel you have direction and purpose in life.So don't knock it, does work. BUT you can't give up on the idea of working or think of yourself as a failure. You are only a failure if you choose to do nothing but stay where you are at. It's apparent you are trying, you came here to find some help.That shows you are trying. Don't give up. Give the Psy a try and read up on the drugs he wants to give you and try some, if you feel OK with that drug...if you don't feel OK, ask him for another type of drug. Don't expect anything great to happen with the drugs, for at least 1 month. Often it takes takes that long for meds to start to work. Also, like Chartreux talked about...look into vitamins. I take many and they all help me. I don't take anything I've not fully read about and know what to expect out of it and what it will do for me. Also if you want to feel better ASAP, don't drink any alcohol, caffeine, eat only low carbs (ie,no potatoes, cookies, cakes, candy, pies, ice cream, junk food, coke, sodas, etc, they will all make you feel depressed). Exercise, every day in the morning, and at about 6 pm, even if you don' t feel like it. It will help keep the depression away. I know it works. I do it daily, even when I don't feel like it. Watch FUNNY TV programs and FUNNY movies...nothing else! Don't read anything else either, especially when you are feeling like you do. that stuff really affects a person negatively. It's good to see your friends, even if you feel like an outsider. It's good to socialize. Instead of doing nothing productive with your time, do something that makes you feel good. Take up a hobby, do sprots or build something or do you like art? Do you like clay sculpture? Do you like to draw or paint? Try them all, you might find a really good release and find it makes you feel satisfied. BTW when watching TV do you jiggle your foot? If you do, I'd be willing to bet you are ADHD. If you are ADHD, there are some really good books by Dr. Ellen Weiss, she was one of the 1st people to discover ADHD lasted from childhood into adulthood. She has some really helpful ideas on how to cope with ADHD. I've read some of her books and use some of her ideas. They could really help you if you are ADHD. You can get her books at most Libraries. I've given you a lot of ideas here, all of them I've tried and will swear by....they all do work...the trick is to find what works really well for you and put it into your own "tool kit" to fight the depression you are going thru. Good Luck...I wish you well and I know you'll do OK..I can tell that by the very fact you came here to get some help.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 5/23/2011 4:14 AM (GMT -6)   
When I get up in the morning, my leg is just a going. I giggle it for a long time. When my meds kick in, I usually quit, but have to get active. Some games I play cause this to happen too. If they are stressful. lol... I am a foot giggler. But this morning I have my mind on something that I am doing and it is better. No giggles. OR is it jiggles?

Mike,

Being that you have been on your job only eight months. I don't think you are in line for a promotion yet. I would say at least a year of working there. I wish you could enjoy where you are instead of always looking to the future. One day at a time. It always seems to be the same struggle with you. As if you are never satisfied. I think that your doc is right, you need some type of medication to keep you focussed on what is going on at the time. Maybe you are adhd. Maybe ritalin would help you. You wouldn't gain any weight on it either. You search for answers when I think that they are right in front of you the whole time. Just chill out and enjoy life.

You can do it, I know that you can.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Mike619er
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 429
   Posted 5/23/2011 5:50 AM (GMT -6)   
Is that a side effect of someone who is ADHD? Someone who's thoughts are alawys jumbled up can't make a deciision and struggles to satisfied in a certain position/situation? I have no idea if it is or isn't I just have really noticed that being idle and sitting behind a desk is really something that drives me nuts at work. But then again no matter what I'm doing I'm sure I'll find something that I dislike about it. How do I even work on something like that though? I would read up on other symptoms of being ADHD but I really don't want do that because I know I will start self diagnosing every little possible symptom.

And yea you're probably right about the promotion part, I Just feel as if i'm getting older and that my prior work history should put me in a position to atleast be able to not start at the bottom within this company I'm in now. I don't really have much banking expeirence though so I am learning a lot on the fly as I go, but it's just frustrating to always start out at the bottom and have to prove yourself everytime you try and choose a different career path.

One thing I have noticed too, and I've done it for years. It's been pointed out by my family/friends, the fact that I talk very fast. I mumble sometmies but the majority of the times I'll just talk really fast which just makes whatever I say sometimes come off as rushed or nervous. It happens more often when I am a little nervous but it's been something that I've been trying to work on and have gotten a little better at. I don't know, I just seem to see all my flaws and not really a lot of my strengths.

Mike619er
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 429
   Posted 5/23/2011 5:53 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you to everyone for your comments too, I try to fight off the feeling like a failure part a lot. It's so darn hard though when you feel the way I do. When the thoughts of me being 26, my friends all being in relationships and I'm single.....the being in a low paying job, the still living at home, and the fact that in the near future there really doesn't seem to be any remedy for this. I could look for other jobs but you know what, I changed jobs twice already in the last year and a half. Doing so again would really not look great on the resume. I atleast want to stick this one out for a year I think before I even give that some thought. I just get in those really bad moments like last night, and early this morning (was a really bad night of sleep). In fact this morning was weird, I had those moments where I'd shut my eyes and try to go to sleep and then start imagining/dreaming the weirdest crap and then wake up. IDK if it was even me sleeping or me just shutting my eyes. That scares the heck out of me when that stuff happens.

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20190
   Posted 5/23/2011 6:22 AM (GMT -6)   
mike, i cop it every night in my dreams. 1 dream that is trippy finds it's way into the next bizzare to the next crazy and absurd dream. blame it on seroquel i do, but really it is just my twisted mind dealing with my insanity of the day?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!! :-) jamie. i fully understand.

ps, have you thought about re-training in another field or something? here for you mate, keep being strong.
SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 5/23/2011 10:12 AM (GMT -6)   
Mike,

I am glad that you are going to stick your job out for another year. I think that is wise thinking on your part.

There is no way that you are a failure. There are many with no jobs, let alone a job at a bank where you do have room to move up. Many have no cars to get to work. It is bad out there. I look at you and see a lot of accomplishment. I can see you are only seeing the negatives. Make a list of all the positives no matter how small. I bet you will have a long list. I think it would be cool if you could move out of your parents home. Can you afford it? Rent and utilities? It might be something to look forward to. A goal to work towards.

What about the toys you were thinking about getting? A boat? As I recall and something else that you wanted. Are you still thinking about that? But if you got a place of your own could you afford that still?

I would like so much to see you living in the now. With the realization of what you have accomplished. Look at yourself and see somebody to be proud of. But for right now, you have a roof over your head, food on your table, a good job... I am sure that you could go on and on. You have a car too don't you? Not everybody has that. I don't want you to feel guilty for what you have, but I want you to see your accomplishments.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Mike619er
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 429
   Posted 5/23/2011 11:40 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks guys. I did get one of the toys I wanted, I got a 4x4 truck, it's actually pretty nice. It's a 2008 envoy and it's fully loaded. It definetly helps now that when I'm driving somewhere that I feel better about myself driving this thing then I did my piece of crap car. I haven't made the first payment on this truck yet, think it's due in like 3-4 weeks so IDK I might feel differently about it then lol.

I really do try to see the positives but the problem is, I don't really think about anything in the now. I think a lot about everything in the past. Things I used to do, used to enjoy, that i can't do anymore. How my friends aren't all around all the time, how I have to picka nd choose on weekends who to go see and it never feels the same. I get really caught up in my thinking, and then the fact that I feel that way makes me depressed.

Another really bad symptom I have is depersonalization. I swear to god I think I might have the worst case of DP known to mankind. I constantly feel like nothing is real, nothing is happening, and the enjoyment or interest that I should have in things is completely gone for the most part. I still function at my job out of complete necessity. I know it's the only thing that I feel like I have going positive for me for the most part, and I know it's the one thing that atleast distracts my mind a little bit from the nonsense thinking.

Mike619er
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 429
   Posted 5/23/2011 11:40 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks guys. I did get one of the toys I wanted, I got a 4x4 truck, it's actually pretty nice. It's a 2008 envoy and it's fully loaded. It definetly helps now that when I'm driving somewhere that I feel better about myself driving this thing then I did my piece of crap car. I haven't made the first payment on this truck yet, think it's due in like 3-4 weeks so IDK I might feel differently about it then lol.

I really do try to see the positives but the problem is, I don't really think about anything in the now. I think a lot about everything in the past. Things I used to do, used to enjoy, that i can't do anymore. How my friends aren't all around all the time, how I have to picka nd choose on weekends who to go see and it never feels the same. I get really caught up in my thinking, and then the fact that I feel that way makes me depressed.

Another really bad symptom I have is depersonalization. I swear to god I think I might have the worst case of DP known to mankind. I constantly feel like nothing is real, nothing is happening, and the enjoyment or interest that I should have in things is completely gone for the most part. I still function at my job out of complete necessity. I know it's the only thing that I feel like I have going positive for me for the most part, and I know it's the one thing that atleast distracts my mind a little bit from the nonsense thinking.

Mike619er
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 429
   Posted 5/23/2011 11:43 AM (GMT -6)   
Moving out of my house and living on my own is really not too realistic. I live on long island and the apartments/houses/condos here are insanely overpriced. There's no chance I could afford 1200 a month for a one bedroom which is what they're going for in my area. I only make 1600 take home a month and I'd be spending 11-1200 of it on rent. Not really too realistic, I've put a lot of thought about trying to save up for a few years and maybe move down to Florida and buy something cheap down there. But then again I heard it's all relative, it's cheaper down in Florida but then the jobs don't pay as good. This world is absolutely messed up financially, how the hell do you expect people to live when just putting a roof over your head is so darn expensive. I'm 25 and complaining about this, I can only imagine how it's going to be later on lol

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 5/23/2011 12:46 PM (GMT -6)   
Keep your eye out for something cheaper. You never know what might come up. You can't expect to live with your parents forever. Even if you have to drive a few miles back and forth to work. Or move to another job that is closer to cheaper housing. Nothing is impossible. Something might come up. Or you could share a house with a tenant. If you would be comfortable with that. (Mike says, maybe a female...lol)

You need to find things to do that keep you focussed. Make up some exercises, or pick a mantra that you can repeat to clear your mind. I am surprised that your counselor isn't working on this with you. Have you told him/her that you can't focus? That your thoughts are constantly going a thousand miles a minute? Meditation helps me, it could help you to. It is nice to have control over your mind and your thinking. It is possible and a lot of people do. It is like feeling in perfect control with no distractions. I wish I could help you more with this. It is apparent that is what your problem is. Thinking too mcuh. Put up taht mental stopsign when this happens.

Best wishes for a great day.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Mike619er
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 429
   Posted 5/23/2011 1:51 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm sure there are probably ways to maybe financially afford to move out but I'm just really not making enough to even start thinking about that. Maybe once I get apromotion or a better paying job or something that would be something to look into. But right now it's just not really something that is attainable. And yea you're definetly right Karen I definetly need to find something to focus on. My counselor hasn't really been able to help me much with that, I actually stopped seeing my psychologist 2 weeks ago because I felt the sessions weren't helping and that I was just giving all my money away to him every month. $200 a month with no results can really discourage the crap out of you. After going to 6-7 sessions at 1 session a week I decided to stop. I always question if I should go back or not but I don't know. I really struggle to make my mind up about things. Like you said, I overthink and analyze every last possible option to the point where it leaves me mentally exhausted without even doing a darn thing. Definetly really starting to piss me off :)

As far as the maybe a female comment I got a nice laugh out of that lol. It's kind of pathetic really that I can't really envision myself in that situation. I guess I've just been single my whole life and I don't even know what it would be like, waht to expect, if I would enjoy it, maybe it would frustrate the hell out of me? Being single all these years has really gotten me used to my privacy and my alone time. It would be really weird to have constant companionship, idk if I would do well with that honestly.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 5/23/2011 5:12 PM (GMT -6)   
Well maybe someday you will find out how you would do with the oposite sex. When the time is right. I know what you mean about getting use to privacy. I am a pretty private person. And I enjoy my privacy as I am sure you do too. I think we get set in our ways. So I truly understand that.

I think that just the fact that you are aware of your overthinking, that gives you a grasp on it and you know what you got to deal with. Just keep practicing the focussing, maybe a mantra to say. Focus on your breathing and relaxing your muscles. It really helps you get in tune with your body. A mind and body connection. I think you can do this if you put your mind to it. Picture yourself doing something that you enjoy. Really picture it in your mind. Take yourself to a happy place.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Mike619er
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 429
   Posted 5/23/2011 9:06 PM (GMT -6)   
I can't do it anymore guys. I'm just not strong enough to do this without help. I tried this hard ass, tough nose, just suck it up and plow through it with no meds and give it all I got. I tried to stay busy, I tried to stay social, I tried to talk it out with therapists. I just can't do this anymore.

I'm calling up my psychologist and asking him for a reference to use for a psychiatrist and to try meds again.

I know I have a good job, a roof over my head, a nice truck (now I do anyways), and a lot of things that I should be thankful for and happy for. I'm not happy about anything in my life though. This is absolutely no awy to feel. I feel like an absolute loser 24/7 and just walk around in an absolute daze all darn day feeling like the only darn guy in the world. Even when I'm around family and friends I just feel like they're not even there and absolutely no emotion.

This is no f'ing way to live. I went out tonight drinking for my friends birthday and just was pissed that even as I was drinking I was still anxious and unable to let go and have a good time. I never have a release, never enjoy anything.

So this is it, this is my admission. I'm ****ed up and need help

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20190
   Posted 5/23/2011 9:16 PM (GMT -6)   
maybe it is time for that psychiatrist appt. furthermore if you feel at risk hospital. at least whilst there they can get the ball rolling on services for you upon discharge. know that we are here for you miker. sending you much healing compassion, keep safe, jamie.
SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 5/24/2011 4:39 AM (GMT -6)   
I think you are making the right choice. There is a time when we need meds, and it might not be forever. Make sure you let him know what you tried before that didn't work. That way he wont give it to you again. I highly recommend a mood stabilizer with the antidepressant. It really helps, and maybe something for anxiety. I use to overthink everything. The mood stabilizer stopped that.

Best wishes to you Mike, I think you are doing the right thing.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Precious Gem
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Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 5/25/2011 7:27 AM (GMT -6)   
Mike,
 
Stop beating yourself up; failure?  What failure?  You will never find out what you like or dislike with trying different things.  Just because i does not work out for you does not mean you are a failure.  I wonder by whose standards you are measuring yourself?  Only you know the answer to that.
 
I agree with the advice of getting a complete physical first an foremost.  Especially if you do not want to be on P-meds.  It can be done but it is hard work that you have to committ to each and everyday.
 
I do hope you feel better soon.  Find your path to wellness.  It will nt happen over night but it will happen if you remember to nver give up and nothing is impossible.
 
Gem

Mike619er
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 429
   Posted 5/25/2011 7:33 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks guys, I don't even know to whose standards I measure myself up to. My last therapist was asking me that and I don't really have an answer. I think it's a combination of things. Starting with the fact that I never really was the popular guy back in high school, which honestly I don't care about now but maybe that started my insecurity? Then the joking around and teasing of friends (who are still my good friends) about me being single and having bad luck with the opposite sex (little do they know it's because I am so insecure I never really wanted a girlfriend, was scared of someone getting close), then working with my family for the last 3-4 years in which nothing was ever good enough. Which carired over and ruined the home life a bit because work life became home life and it just caused I guess what you see today. And on top of all that, the problem with my jaw which has always given me insecurity problems and which honestly, is probably the root cause of all of this crap. It affects the way I talk or atleast the way I perceive that I talk so it makes me shut down and not say certain things or speak up with confidence because I feel like I don't say things clearly, or that I will show a lisp o rsomething.

I'm just a walking ball of insecurity I guess.

Don't really know where to go from here though. I called my last psychologist I was dealing with and asked him if I could see him every other week instead of every week because it's too expensive. He said he doesn't think that I'd benefit from every other week and said he would only want to take me on if it was weekly because he would feel like we weren't making any progress. So now I'm back to the point where I need to find a new psychologist, or go back to one of my old ones haha.

Messed up part is today and yesterday were better then 2 days ago. And there's moments in the day where I'll be ok and functioning, then moments in the day where I' losing it. I'm having a HUGE identity problem lately. I look in the mirror and have no idea who the heck is staring back at me. Three years ago I knew who that guy was. He was a guy who was working hard in his family business and trying to get his life on track. Now I've been in 3 jobs in the last 2 years, working in a big company (somehting Ive neverdone before) and under all these ridiculous rules/policies/etc. Getting out and meeting all new ppl from doing so too, I guess maybe working in the family business for all these years hurt my ability to socialize and meet new ppl because I feel so odd doing it, or I am just blaming my extreme anxiety/depression problems because they make me feel this way.

A whole lot of dilemnas and situations going on in my head irhgt now, and they're alll too jumbled up and confusing for me to actually sit down and make a firm decision on any of them. It's annoying because they consume my focus daily. To go back to school, to not go back to school, to go on meds, to not go on meds, to go back to therapy, to not go back to therapy, to pursue a career in the current career I'm in or to switch and go back to school for something different. How am I going to move out, when am I going to move out, how will it be once I do move out, am I giong to be ok on my own or will it get even worse? ALl these ridiculous what ifs and scenarios flood my head to the point where it makes the simplest things pretty much impossible

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 5/26/2011 6:27 AM (GMT -6)   
Write it all down on a piece of paper and then put it in a safe place. See if that doesn't help to ease your mind up some. The only other thing I can say that works for me is meditation and taking life one day at a time. I sware that abilify helps your thinking. Maybe you should try that. It really frees up the mind so that you can focus on the task at hand.

I hope that you get this all sorted out Mike. It must be hell living with all the questions that you have. My mind would explode. lol... I am simple minded I guess. I do have a lot on the back burner but that is where i keep it.

Best wishes to you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

BerryBlonde81
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 157
   Posted 5/28/2011 3:22 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Mike! I hope this is not too forward but I am pretty good at "diagnosing" others -- I myself wanted to become a psychiatrist when I grew up, actually went to college thinking that was what I was going to be, but then I saw how long they had to go to school and I was like -- yikes! That and the fact that I figured I had too many problems myself to help others, depression at first, and then it became noticible that I was BP -- yes, BIPOLAR II. From reading your post, you actually sound so much like me, and actually sound so much like my husband who is not BP!

Please dont be afraid to see a good doc, one that will actualy understand exactly what you are describing, a psychiatrist who will be there for you and will recommend a treatment plan. Possibly you could be like me and be bipolar, its nothing to be ashamed of or to not seek treatment for. I am only on two meds currently and am 30. Just started this ride myself.

Its very possible once you start the medications you will have a much clearer mind and you will be able to sort our your thoughts, and you will then be able to know what you want to do with your future, just think positive, the sky is the limit!! And my husband has found a really good career in the heating and air field, he makes really good money, and it took I think 14 months at a technical school for him to get there -- he is busy busy busy and he talks so fast too!! It makes him work harder and faster and is a benefit I think!

I hope that this has been helpful for you!
God Bless -- Stephanie
Bipolar II - Second Opinion Diagnosed 4/11/2011
Fibromyalgia - Diagnosed 12/2009
Zoloft 1996-2002?
Paxil 20mg 2002?-2011
Paxil 30mg 1/28/11-4/4/11 -- back down to 20mg :(
Switching Meds:
4/11/11 Paxil 20mg; Cymbalta 30mg nightly
4/18/11 Paxil 10mg; Cymbalta 60mg nightly
4/24/11 No Paxil; Cymbalta 60mg nightly
Depakote upped to 750mg 5/17/11
Klonopin .5 as needed

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 5/28/2011 3:29 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Stephanie,

Thanks for your post. The thing with Mike, I think, is that he doesn't want to take meds. Though I am hoping with your encouraging post that he will think about it. I also believe like you, that he needs meds to control his thinking. I have been trying to talk to him about trying a mood stabilizer like abilify, which is also good for bipolar. If he is. But he has been struggling for a long time with this. I hope that he takes your advice to heart and trys medications. But that is his choice, I know.

Thanks again,

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Mike619er
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 429
   Posted 5/28/2011 6:33 PM (GMT -6)   
The issue I have with going on meds is my idea of the quality of life that I always envisioned. Being able to have BBQ's with friends and famiy in the backyard, drinking a few beers and talking it up and loving life. I won't be able to do that if I go on meds. But then again what am I really doing now anyways? I really don't feel like doing much of anything, I'm just constantly tired and totally uninterested in just about everything. The only thing I give a darn about is being employed. I refuse to let all this garbage and everything ruin my chance at a good career.

The things that bother me are way too long to explain in one post or even in one meeting with a therapist. The fact that everyone is growing up, that I never see all my friends together anymore (a lot of them moved away or work weekends or just have different schedules), everyone is hitched up in a relatinship and I'm left here just single and lonely as hell. The fact that when I go to family events everyone always says "I havent seen you in so long", "How have you been diong?" "I'm so happy you're feeling better". I know it's all positive stuff and they really and truly mean it, but I don't even want to hear it/deal with it. Don't have any clue on exactly how to fix all this though. I get the feeling like everyone is moving on with life and i'm just sitting here floundering around not sure what the heck to do with myself.

Personally, and I hope I don't offend anyone with this, I look down the roadat a life full of medications and being "drugged" up as failure. I want Mike back, I want the guy who would get excited about going out to the movies, or going out to hang out with friends. I don't know how I changed into this totally antisocial/lazy guy. It's pretty frustrating and whenever I try to fight it and do something active or try and battle through the negativity, it feels so fake. I'm a guy who used to love going to ball games and having a few drinks with friends, backyard bbqs and hanging out down by the beach. Heading out on boats fishing with friends during the week and watching sporting events. Now? None of these things really matter, although I still do them trying to distract myself. I don't get the same feeling/interest out of any of it though.

Is this just growing up? The lack of interest in stuff that used to be fun? Only caring and interested in work related topics? Working all day and just coming home to lie in bed or on the couch and watch pointless TV shows to consume my evenings/nights so that I can pass ou tand do it all over again?

Like I mentioned in one of my other posts, my last psychologist wants me to see him more then once every 2 weeks and it's just not financially possible for me to do that. I could do it, but it would leave me totally broke. And you know what, I think a big part of my recovery is getting back into a better place financially as well. So I refuse to shell out 160 on visits a month and then also money on meds on top of that. I could always go back to the old psychiatrist I used to see but I quit seeing him 2x already. I would feel like a total idiot walking in there for the 3rd time asking for help. Nobody else is really around this area besides institutions and I don't really want to go an institution for a meeting, I would feel like such an outcast.

Still in this darn rut, trying to stay as positive as possible though. Really and truly don't even recognize the guy in the mirror at all though.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 5/28/2011 8:03 PM (GMT -6)   
Mike,

First of all, I take meds and I don't feel drugged up, I feel normal. Secondly, you say that everybody else has moved on and you feel stuck. Well, you are. You are stuck in a rut of your own thinking. Now thirdly, if you have to shell out some extra money now, isn't it worth a world of wealth to feel better? And lastly, how do you know that you are going to feel like an outcast if you don't even try? You have to go and find out. You want interaction with people, but the old friends have moved on with their lives. You need to put yourself out there and see what happens. What is the worst that could happen? It might not work out. Well at least you tried. Your psychiatrist wants to see you more for a reason. He must think with more sessions, that he can help you and it sounds like he thinks medications are needed. What can go wrong? If you have side effects after the recommended time, you stop them and try something else. You need to take these steps in order to feel better. You can choose to settle for a life of no interaction, wondering everything, second guessing yourself and question everything that you think and do. That is no way to live. The alcohol makes no sense. It just depresses you whether you are taking medications or not. So it shouldn't even be a part of your life. And yes, mixing with meds is bad.

I really hope that you take these steps to feel better. Believe me, the meds don't make me feel drugged. And I take three different things. They give me some sense of normalcy. If I didn't have them, I would be a total wreck. I am serious. Even just a mood stabilizer would help you to stop obsessing over things. But this is your choice. It is your life to do with what you choose. And whatever it is, we still support you. Never forget that.

Best wishes to feeling better.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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