I have been out of work for about six months. I don't know what to do. I mean I've been trying and all of this. But really I just don't know. The past year and a half or so has been very difficult. I keep moving around. I've been through a couple of breakups. Places in the area keep closing down like crazy. Seems like the economy is at a total standstill. Until recentlty I was in touch with my family, but I had to let it go, since both my father and my brother just have vicious tempers. This is the first year that I did not spend the holidays iwth them. The last call I got from my brother was a threatening one, screaming, telling me that he was going to beat his girlfriend. I couldn't get off of the phone. I was really scared. He had beaten me once when I lived there, bad enough to be injured.
I feel scared a lot. I can't stay with family during this period of unemployment. I am living on my savings. I don't know if I should do a career change or what. I don't understand what's going on. I keep trying to move back home to where the extended family is out of state, and had an offer to come live there, but when I checked it out, my cousin said that his mother and my mother were talking, and that I coudldn't move there 'without my mothers permission, since I am trying to escape.' I am 38. And so if I want to escape, yeah so what. Life is much happier for me there. I keep trying and trying, but I'm running out of money, lout of time. This is awful. No jobs to be had. Friends help me, but I have no family where I live to speak of, and I want to go home. No one seems willing to commit to a relationship, even when I was making money and doing well.
I don't want to get up out of bed in this dump of the extended stay. I have no reason to do anything it seems. I don't get it. When I tried to work things out with my brother, he just told me that 'everyone hits each other; that he was tired of women like me trying to control him.'
All I can do is think of all the rejections, of all the bad things, about being alone and out of a relationship at my age. No one seems to understand, no matter how hard I work. Most of my bf's have left me or just don't care. I see no point in trying again. I see no point in anything.
On top of it, I had an abnormal ultra sound, and they want to do a cancer marker test, which is protocol, but it still scares me. All I wanted in life was some decent work and a family of my own. It seems like there is nothing for me. My career was my life. When my job was over, my roommate also walked out, just disappearred. I don't know. I just can't figure anything out.