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Very depressed and scared..  
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Posted 3/15/2005 2:25 PM (GMT -6)
 
I am hoping someone might understand what I am going thru and be able to give me some advice on how to deal with this depression I am in right now. Five years ago my marriage of 20 years ended I was devasted and never knew what depression was until than, I was in counselling and put on a anti depressant called Remeron. It took me about a year to even start getting back on my feet and another year after that to really feel good about myself again. I worked really hard at beating the depression and feeling good about myself. Two years ago I got involved with a guy we were together for over two years up until a month ago when I ended the relationship. Everyone says to me you walked out why are you so depressed, I didn't want to end the relationship but over the last 6 months I wasn't happy anymore. I stayed because I thought I could change things but I realized that if the person doesn't want to change you can't change them. Eventually I couldn't take anymore and was getting more depressed and crying all the time so I left. That was a month ago and I have been so depressed its been awful, my doctor is changing my anti depressant because she said that its probably not working any more because you have been on it for so long. She has been trying to take me off it slowly to get down to a low dose before we starting the new one, but I am having a really hard time coming off the old one. I am seeing the doctor today and see what she suggesed to do. I am in group therapy which I go once a week but its just started and going to take time. Anyone have any advice I could really use it..
 
Thanks
Krista
Posted 3/15/2005 6:40 PM (GMT -6)
Krista

What was the problem with your relationship. You don't explain the problem. If you share the reasons for your getting out, we might have some ideas for you. What about your 20 year marriage. What happened to end it?
Posted 3/15/2005 8:39 PM (GMT -6)
Hi Krista...
 
First off, you sound like you are having a completely normal reaction to life changing events.  Depression is akin to jerking our hand back from the hot stove that just burned us, and a method of self protection.
 
I have taken several different anti-depressants and found that all they did was cover up the problem.  I didn't get better until I saw a gal who is a Marriage and Family Therapist, with an interest in chronic disease.  (I have Ulcerative colitis)
 
I found that she held up a mirror to me and gently guided me through a maze of emotions about my disease and how it has changed my life.  She gave me tools (mental) to help me cope with new issues daily and though I still have hard days, I am looking forward to a better day.  I didn't look forward before.
 
If your depression is very severe, may I suggest you find a qualified therapist, who will allow you to talk, and is skilled in bringing out what we would like to hide, in order that it be rendered powerless in our lives.
 
I think your leaving the last relationship, because it wasn't comfortable to you, shows a step in the right decision making direction.  You took hold of something and controlled it.  That is good.
 
Now, instead of being the Victim of depression, learn to become the conquerer.  :-)
 
Good luck and let us know how you are doing.. !
RainDance
 
We get through this one day at a time.. :)

Posted 3/15/2005 11:37 PM (GMT -6)

 

Thank you Raindance your advice was very strong with me, everyone tells me making the decision to leave shows strength knowing the conquences I still make the choice to leave the relationship because it wasn't healthy and it bringing me down.

Sorry Ralph I should have made myself more clear, my marriage ended because he was cheating on me. My 2 year relationship ended because we were in a long distance relationship he lived in the States and me in Canada, we both knew that I couldn't live in the states because of my health issues and he agreed to move back to Canada, he is also Canadian but was working in the states. I spent most of my time down there and would go home for a week or so to see my family, friends and kids, I did that for almost 2 years. I missed my family, kids and friends I am very close to my family and friends and found myself depressed in the states for the last 6 months, if I needed to see a doctor I had to drive 5 hours home and when you are sick that is not very fun. I tried talking to him over and over again about how I was feeling and what it was doing to me but he didn't want to communicate he would just block out what I was saying and avoid it whenever he could. I spent many nights crying my heart out because I was really struggling being down there, I didn't want to put pressure on him when to move back to Canada I didn't want him to resent me. Even thou he would say he wanted to move to Canada with me his actions didn't show that, I knew than that I was going to have to make the move and go back to Canada without him. It was the hardest decision I had to make, but knew it was the right one, but I am carrying around alot of guilt for ending the relationship and feeling like I failed.

Hope that is more clear...

thanks....Krista

 

 

Posted 3/15/2005 11:58 PM (GMT -6)
Krista, I can understand what you are going through. I recently seperated from my wife of 20 years and am feeling quite depressed myself. The big difference is I am the one that needs to change not my wife. It hurts to feel alone. Reaching out to find support is the best thing I have done for myself. It has helped me realize some of the changes I need to make in my life along with changing how I look at life. I found the most important thing I can do for myself each day is to look for things that I am grateful for. Sometimes the only thing that I can find to be thankful for is that I am still breathing to face the next day. Once I start there, I can usually quite a few of other things in my day that I am grateful for. I too often find that I define the day by focusing on the negative things of the day and by taking a few minutes to find the good in the day helps me when I am feeling so discouraged. I know it is hard to do, but it does get easier the more I do it. Pease know that I am only an email away and hope I can help you through this difficult time. Thoughts and prayers are with you.
 

We can respond to irritation with a smile instead of scowl, or by giving warm praise instead of icy indifference. By our being understanding instead of abrupt, others, in turn, may decide to hold on a little longer rather than to give way. Love, patience, and meekness can be just as contagious as rudeness and crudeness.

 
Randy

Posted 3/16/2005 1:03 AM (GMT -6)

Krista..

As I read your comments on how you felt during the last relationship, what I hear is you making all the adjustments and carrying all the pain.

What's wrong with that picture?

Maybe you didn't say it to yourself out loud yet but, that's why you ended it.  I think most of us would have done the same.

I have been married for almost 41 years and, I have to say it's not a 50/50 proposition, it's 100/100.  Each partner has to give 100 percent to make it work.

If you are dealing with chronic illness, you don't have 100 percent for yourself, much less anyone else.  And that is where the partner should have picked up the slack.

I'm sure it hurts; cutting an emotional bond is like taking a knife to the soul.  But you will heal and there are better days ahead.  Be patient.

RainDance
 
We get through this one day at a time.. :)

Posted 3/16/2005 9:24 AM (GMT -6)
Cheerdad and all.........I, too, am out of a marriage after 20 years(my decision)and face the full range of guilt for failing, etc.I believe for all of us who face depressions, whether related to marital issues or whatever have to face ourselves.I am a big fan of self help books and read constantly to find out why I am the way I am!(no disrespect to your partner, but I doubt you are the only one who needed help in the relationship..."two to tango," !)I tend to shy away from trying to find support groups, etc..........I don't like to talk things out and share that much with strangers!(expressing myself was part of my marriage problem!!!So I carry this on out of the situation.THAT'S why I say we need to work on ourselves, because we tend to get in ruts the way we behave.It goes all the way back to our upbringing.(Iknow, Iknow!I groaned too, when it dawned on me that I have to go back to my childhood to chase down my 'demons'haha!)I am currently reading "Breaking the Cycle Of Abuse" by Beverly Engel.and it hits on a LOT of issues for me.No excuses for either side in this problem, (abuser or victim, I mean...and a lot of times it's tough to tell which is which!Read the book and you'll see what I mean!)I hope I'm allowed to give the name of the book!I'm not the author, so it's not that I'm trying to sell anything, just help someone that may need this book, too.Before we can be happy, we HAVE to deal with ourselves, folks.No 'secret person' is going to whisk us away. We just carry the same problems on to someone else, in new relationships.Best of luck to all, and keep posting!
Posted 3/16/2005 11:59 AM (GMT -6)
Krista

You sound as if you feel guilty for coming back to Canada.( I'm Canadian to" eh" ) I don't think in my opinion that you should feel anything but proud of yourself for making the decision to come home. After all, your family and friends will support you and you should be with the people you love.

I have foud that the people I've come into contact with on this site have a real interest in depression and the causes and remedies for our problems. We all care about each other and although we are not personally acquainted unless the desire to do so is there, we still manage to put forward many constructive ideas for each other.

You may not know it, but in telling our various stories it is very theraputic. It is always good to hear from those you come to respect for thier insight. As Martha would say, "It's a good thing"

yeah
Posted 3/16/2005 12:32 PM (GMT -6)

 

Thank you so much everyone for your responses, you have no idea how much it helps me. Everything you guys have said I know it true, I just need to see it myself and be content with the choice I made. Raindance you said about carrying around all the pain and you are right, I was the only one is the relationship that seemed to hurting, I said to him if we ever break up you would just put me out of your mind and move on and he said yes that is the way I handle things. I felt like dirt when he said that together over 2 years and he could just forget about me. I sent him a email asking him to send the rest of my stuff, he responds "ok will do" not how are you nothing. He has not idea why I left, even after many many attempts to talk to him all he sees is that I left and he is angry with me. I know its going to take time and that is what I keep holding onto that time heals. I agree Cheerdad about looking at the postive in my life not the negative and I have alot to be grateful for, my kids, my family, friends etc but when your depressed you don't see those postives just the negatives we actually talked about that in counselling today. I will get back on my feet again I know just going to take time..

thanks again everyone it sure helps to know someone understands...

Krista

PS Where in Canada are you Ralph?

 

 

Posted 3/17/2005 8:43 AM (GMT -6)
Krista

I live in Montreal. Have been here since 1982 Have a son in Tokyo, daughter in toronto and a son here.

My wife and I are "enpty nesters" living on the West Island.
Posted 3/17/2005 3:05 PM (GMT -6)

 

I am having such a bad day today, the doctor gave me some meds to help me sleep and all its done is making me agigated and sick to my stomach I have a call into him now but he hasn't called back yet. I haven't had a good nights sleep since Sunday night its awful. All I have done is cry all afternoon I am so sick of crying will it ever end?

Anybody have any suggestions that might help me get thru these real bad days, I am getting to the point where I feel I am starting to lose it. I just want my life back again be the person that I used to be but days like these I feel its not going to happen..

I live just north of Toronto Ralph...

Krista

 

 

 

 

 

Posted 3/17/2005 3:40 PM (GMT -6)

Hi Krista,

First, realize that it's hard to combat both the depression and drugs at the same time and, if you're feeling worse, it might be the drugs.

Lack of sleep is a real problem, as it helps to blow our problems out of proportion.  Aggitation can be the result of the drugs and/or lack of sleep.

Take a warm bath, with candles, get your jammies on, find a happy movie and lay down for a nap, for starters.  If you have kids that need attending, see if you can get help for a while, as you rest. 

Get a good meal (comfort foods) going inside you and lots of fluids also.

This Will Get Better.  Tomorrow Will Be Better.  You Will Heal.  That you Can Count On.  But, we need to be a bit patient right now.  Let's just get you through today.  Ok??

Find something that you like to do, and that has made you smile in the past and do it.

Keep us posted; we're all concerned for each other.. !

RainDance
 
We get through this one day at a time.. :)

Posted 3/17/2005 3:45 PM (GMT -6)

Also Krista, get outside for a bit of a walk.  Exercise is good for this.

I don't know about the weather where you are but, these dark days of winter are Depressing.. !

Turn all the lights on in the house, too, while you're up during the day. 

Let the Sun Shine in on your soul.. :)  yeah

RainDance
 
We get through this one day at a time.. :)

Posted 3/17/2005 5:47 PM (GMT -6)
Krista

RainDance has it right. Spring is in the air. The birds are coming back and the sun is warming us up.

Think good thoughts and keep trying to feel better. I know that I have had lows that I thought would lead me to total breakdown, but every day is a new day and you WILL recover and be happy again.

Trust me. I've been there. We all have. :-)
Posted 3/17/2005 6:01 PM (GMT -6)

 

Thanks guys I know your right, that I just need to hang in there but with days like this its easier said than done.

I hope tomorrow is a better day...

 

Krista

Posted 3/17/2005 6:18 PM (GMT -6)

Krista, you said something and didn't even realize what you said..

"I hope..."

That's the way to make this journey.. hope in tomorrow.

When I lay my goofy head down on my soft little pillow at night, sometimes I say, "Dang.. !  I'm glad THAT's over with.. !"  haha..

Now, let's not just Hope tomorrow is a better day... Let's start planning what we can Do to Make it better.  Instead of being reactionary and letting the day happen to us, let's focus on being PROactive and take control of our activities, to the best of our abilities.

Start tonight, before you go to bed, to plan your activities for tomorrow and make them things that will soothe your soul.  An afternoon with a gal-friend at the local stores, a movie, a new blouse, a new hair style, get your makeup done at Macy's, a purchase of a special new tea at a local tea house, buying that special book you wanted then coming home and cooking yourself a treat.  Take up quiliting, knitting, take a trip to your local Art's and Craft store and buy a bird house and spray it your favorite color.

Which brings up another point.  Our moods are affected by colors.  Think about the color of the blouse you put on.. does it make you feel good or sick? 

Well, the list could be endless but, I hope I've given you some ideas.  The goal is to take charge, instead of being the victim of the depression.  Part of depression is feeling that we are not in control of our circumstances.  Begin small and you will start to feel a sense of pride again and, pleasure in something you've done for yourself.

Good luck and keep us close.. :)

RainDance
 
We get through this one day at a time.. :)

Posted 3/17/2005 7:15 PM (GMT -6)
I am new to this chat room-in fact have never been in a chat room beforeI have suffered from depression for almost 17 years now and never really know when it is gonna hit. I have been on several different ssri's and have recently started cognitive therapy which basically has helped me change the way I think. It is alot of work but hopefully will be worth it. I am a health care professional and married to a passive aggressive man who has never really pulled his weight since we have been married. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy because of his behavior but I honestly feel trapped as I have 3 children and many bills to pay. Sometimes I want to walk out the door but I don't have the guts to do it and I do not want to leave my kids. I am off on stress leave right now and have absolutely no zip to do anything. Crying is a regular happening with me or I just retreat to my bedroom and watch tv. He hasn't slept with me for over a year and I am wondering if there is someone else.He says there is not and he wants to be with me forever. I honestly don't know what to do any more-any words of wisdom? Jane
Posted 3/18/2005 12:15 PM (GMT -6)

 

Hi Eja

I'm sorry to hear all the issues you are trying to deal with right now, but its really good you are in therapy right now and that is it helping. I know how you feel when you said you don't have the guts to leave, its a very tough decision to make. I ended the 2 year relationship I was in and now I'm going thru depression and guilt even thou I know I made the right decision, he is very angry with me right now even thou I have tried to talk to him over and over again and he didn't want to hear it. I tried to end it a few times but always went back or backed out of leaving. What finally made me leave was that I realized that this relationship wasn't healthy anymore I was depressed and not happy and I didn't want to live like that anymore, I know I am still depressed but I am working on me now and working towards getting back on my feet. I know once I get thru this now I will be happy again. I have good and bad days yesterday was awful but today seems a little better, I have a docs appt and than my gf and I are going shopping I am going to buy myself some new clothes.

Eja you have to ask yourself "do I want to live with way for the rest of my life" if he doesn't see a need to work on the marriage or make changes it won't work it takes two, as Raindance said it takes 100% for both of you not you doing all the work. You won't have to leave your kids they can go with you most of the time kids are given to the mom unless there is abuse etc. I know its not easy financially, when my marriage ended I was worried about that also I am on a disablility and didn't know how I was going to survive. It all worked out in the end because I got child support and spousal support so there is a way to work it out financially.

I know how your feeling eja its not easy and very tough decisions to make, stick with counselling and work on yourself and down the road you will be able to make those decision for what is best for you. Everything will work out they usually do its just right now we don't se that.

Thanks for the advice yesterday everyone, it did help me get thru the day.

Good luck Eja and keep us posted

Krista

 

 

Posted 3/18/2005 12:28 PM (GMT -6)
thank you Krista for your kind words. I really do want to be happy and am trying to see a half full cup instead of a half empty one. Any Ideas onhow to deal with passive aggressive behavior-I have lived with him for so long I can't seem to make any clear decisions without him reacting in a passive aggressive way.
Posted 3/18/2005 12:30 PM (GMT -6)
thank you Krista for your kind words. I really do want to be happy and am trying to see a half full cup instead of a half empty one. Any Ideas onhow to deal with passive aggressive behavior-I have lived with him for so long I can't seem to make any clear decisions without him reacting in a passive aggressive way.
Posted 3/19/2005 3:55 PM (GMT -6)

 

Sorry EJA wish I could give you advice on dealing with your husband I can't say I have any experienc with that.

I hope your are having a better day today? My day is going ok, went for a walk to the mall nice out today. Still up and down thou just when I think the crying is stopped I start again ugh. I am seeing a new therapist next week along with group counselling so hopefully it helps.

Hope your day goes well

Krista

Posted 3/19/2005 6:29 PM (GMT -6)
Krista you are a brave person and you know it , you made the decision which you had to make, the guy was not willing to make any sacrifice you like you said, i hope you find another person to make you happy, its hard but at least your with your family, i wish the best for you.

and ega i think i know its hard if your relationship with your husbend is not working well, think about your kids and family as a whole. think about your husbend in general try hard and see the good things in him not just the bad things, if you stayed with him so long there must be some good things with him right. my mum suffers because my dad is depresed and gets angry quickly, his mood is unstable and has memory loss. these things sometimes happen to people they get moody or irritated quickly maybe its just age or something, i don't know. if your husbend has bin there for you all this time think about him too, sex is not everything in a marrage tooo , friendship and honor many good things to think about and family values etc. i don't know if you like what i say i hope it has some positive affects if i say something offending i am sorry and good luck
                                                     To be or not to Be

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