Very depressed and scared..

Thank you Raindance your advice was very strong with me, everyone tells me making the decision to leave shows strength knowing the conquences I still make the choice to leave the relationship because it wasn't healthy and it bringing me down.

Sorry Ralph I should have made myself more clear, my marriage ended because he was cheating on me. My 2 year relationship ended because we were in a long distance relationship he lived in the States and me in Canada, we both knew that I couldn't live in the states because of my health issues and he agreed to move back to Canada, he is also Canadian but was working in the states. I spent most of my time down there and would go home for a week or so to see my family, friends and kids, I did that for almost 2 years. I missed my family, kids and friends I am very close to my family and friends and found myself depressed in the states for the last 6 months, if I needed to see a doctor I had to drive 5 hours home and when you are sick that is not very fun. I tried talking to him over and over again about how I was feeling and what it was doing to me but he didn't want to communicate he would just block out what I was saying and avoid it whenever he could. I spent many nights crying my heart out because I was really struggling being down there, I didn't want to put pressure on him when to move back to Canada I didn't want him to resent me. Even thou he would say he wanted to move to Canada with me his actions didn't show that, I knew than that I was going to have to make the move and go back to Canada without him. It was the hardest decision I had to make, but knew it was the right one, but I am carrying around alot of guilt for ending the relationship and feeling like I failed.

Hope that is more clear...

thanks....Krista

We can respond to irritation with a smile instead of scowl, or by giving warm praise instead of icy indifference. By our being understanding instead of abrupt, others, in turn, may decide to hold on a little longer rather than to give way. Love, patience, and meekness can be just as contagious as rudeness and crudeness.

Krista..

As I read your comments on how you felt during the last relationship, what I hear is you making all the adjustments and carrying all the pain.

What's wrong with that picture?

Maybe you didn't say it to yourself out loud yet but, that's why you ended it.  I think most of us would have done the same.

I have been married for almost 41 years and, I have to say it's not a 50/50 proposition, it's 100/100.  Each partner has to give 100 percent to make it work.

If you are dealing with chronic illness, you don't have 100 percent for yourself, much less anyone else.  And that is where the partner should have picked up the slack.

I'm sure it hurts; cutting an emotional bond is like taking a knife to the soul.  But you will heal and there are better days ahead.  Be patient.

Thank you so much everyone for your responses, you have no idea how much it helps me. Everything you guys have said I know it true, I just need to see it myself and be content with the choice I made. Raindance you said about carrying around all the pain and you are right, I was the only one is the relationship that seemed to hurting, I said to him if we ever break up you would just put me out of your mind and move on and he said yes that is the way I handle things. I felt like dirt when he said that together over 2 years and he could just forget about me. I sent him a email asking him to send the rest of my stuff, he responds "ok will do" not how are you nothing. He has not idea why I left, even after many many attempts to talk to him all he sees is that I left and he is angry with me. I know its going to take time and that is what I keep holding onto that time heals. I agree Cheerdad about looking at the postive in my life not the negative and I have alot to be grateful for, my kids, my family, friends etc but when your depressed you don't see those postives just the negatives we actually talked about that in counselling today. I will get back on my feet again I know just going to take time..

thanks again everyone it sure helps to know someone understands...

Krista

PS Where in Canada are you Ralph?

I am having such a bad day today, the doctor gave me some meds to help me sleep and all its done is making me agigated and sick to my stomach I have a call into him now but he hasn't called back yet. I haven't had a good nights sleep since Sunday night its awful. All I have done is cry all afternoon I am so sick of crying will it ever end?

Anybody have any suggestions that might help me get thru these real bad days, I am getting to the point where I feel I am starting to lose it. I just want my life back again be the person that I used to be but days like these I feel its not going to happen..

I live just north of Toronto Ralph...

Krista

Hi Krista,

First, realize that it's hard to combat both the depression and drugs at the same time and, if you're feeling worse, it might be the drugs.

Lack of sleep is a real problem, as it helps to blow our problems out of proportion.  Aggitation can be the result of the drugs and/or lack of sleep.

Take a warm bath, with candles, get your jammies on, find a happy movie and lay down for a nap, for starters.  If you have kids that need attending, see if you can get help for a while, as you rest. 

Get a good meal (comfort foods) going inside you and lots of fluids also.

This Will Get Better.  Tomorrow Will Be Better.  You Will Heal.  That you Can Count On.  But, we need to be a bit patient right now.  Let's just get you through today.  Ok??

Find something that you like to do, and that has made you smile in the past and do it.

Keep us posted; we're all concerned for each other.. !

Also Krista, get outside for a bit of a walk.  Exercise is good for this.

I don't know about the weather where you are but, these dark days of winter are Depressing.. !

Turn all the lights on in the house, too, while you're up during the day. 

Let the Sun Shine in on your soul.. :) 

Thanks guys I know your right, that I just need to hang in there but with days like this its easier said than done.

I hope tomorrow is a better day...

Krista

Krista, you said something and didn't even realize what you said..

"I hope..."

That's the way to make this journey.. hope in tomorrow.

When I lay my goofy head down on my soft little pillow at night, sometimes I say, "Dang.. !  I'm glad THAT's over with.. !"  haha..

Now, let's not just Hope tomorrow is a better day... Let's start planning what we can Do to Make it better.  Instead of being reactionary and letting the day happen to us, let's focus on being PROactive and take control of our activities, to the best of our abilities.

Start tonight, before you go to bed, to plan your activities for tomorrow and make them things that will soothe your soul.  An afternoon with a gal-friend at the local stores, a movie, a new blouse, a new hair style, get your makeup done at Macy's, a purchase of a special new tea at a local tea house, buying that special book you wanted then coming home and cooking yourself a treat.  Take up quiliting, knitting, take a trip to your local Art's and Craft store and buy a bird house and spray it your favorite color.

Which brings up another point.  Our moods are affected by colors.  Think about the color of the blouse you put on.. does it make you feel good or sick? 

Well, the list could be endless but, I hope I've given you some ideas.  The goal is to take charge, instead of being the victim of the depression.  Part of depression is feeling that we are not in control of our circumstances.  Begin small and you will start to feel a sense of pride again and, pleasure in something you've done for yourself.

Good luck and keep us close.. :)

Hi Eja

I'm sorry to hear all the issues you are trying to deal with right now, but its really good you are in therapy right now and that is it helping. I know how you feel when you said you don't have the guts to leave, its a very tough decision to make. I ended the 2 year relationship I was in and now I'm going thru depression and guilt even thou I know I made the right decision, he is very angry with me right now even thou I have tried to talk to him over and over again and he didn't want to hear it. I tried to end it a few times but always went back or backed out of leaving. What finally made me leave was that I realized that this relationship wasn't healthy anymore I was depressed and not happy and I didn't want to live like that anymore, I know I am still depressed but I am working on me now and working towards getting back on my feet. I know once I get thru this now I will be happy again. I have good and bad days yesterday was awful but today seems a little better, I have a docs appt and than my gf and I are going shopping I am going to buy myself some new clothes.

Eja you have to ask yourself "do I want to live with way for the rest of my life" if he doesn't see a need to work on the marriage or make changes it won't work it takes two, as Raindance said it takes 100% for both of you not you doing all the work. You won't have to leave your kids they can go with you most of the time kids are given to the mom unless there is abuse etc. I know its not easy financially, when my marriage ended I was worried about that also I am on a disablility and didn't know how I was going to survive. It all worked out in the end because I got child support and spousal support so there is a way to work it out financially.

I know how your feeling eja its not easy and very tough decisions to make, stick with counselling and work on yourself and down the road you will be able to make those decision for what is best for you. Everything will work out they usually do its just right now we don't se that.

Thanks for the advice yesterday everyone, it did help me get thru the day.

Good luck Eja and keep us posted

Krista

Sorry EJA wish I could give you advice on dealing with your husband I can't say I have any experienc with that.

I hope your are having a better day today? My day is going ok, went for a walk to the mall nice out today. Still up and down thou just when I think the crying is stopped I start again ugh. I am seeing a new therapist next week along with group counselling so hopefully it helps.

Hope your day goes well

Krista