just want to be happy again :(

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Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 6/2/2011 2:47 PM (GMT -6)   


            I’m not sure where to began, other than to say that I’m at a loss in my life. I’m 20 years old and a mother of a 2 year old little boy is everything to me but lately I just seem to be losing myself and wrecking his life as well. I’ve had problems for years starting back in 8th grade when I became a bulimic, which I was up until I got pregnant with my son at age 16- while pregnant I stopped but quickly picked up bad habits again right after I had him. Most people use Bulimia as a sense to get skinner but mine has always been more as control. It got really bad when I started my relationship with the guy who “gave me my son” He treated me horribly and made me feel as if I was just trash. When we conceived my son I said “no” he continued-I was raped. However I never said a word to anyone I just let everyone believe what they wanted I did try to tell my parents once but they didn’t believe me and told me I was lying so I just kept it inside. During my pregnancy I was very insecure-shut everyone out didn’t see my friends and just hid. When I was about 6 months in one of my guy friends whom I’d known forever came into my life and completely changed it, we began dating and he was there for the rest of the pregnancy,even in the delivery room and for the first few months he took roll as “dad” and was amazing. However when my son hit 5 months he decided it was to much and he took off and left us, I was completely lost and in a daze I promised my son I would never let anyone in his life again that I didn’t absolutely know would stay there, and I did good for the next 8 months I held my own, yeah I had a few one night stands just looking for someone to be there but I could never trust anyone-never wanted anyone and most importantly NOONE ever met my son. That all changed back in August 2008, I met a man who changed my world he was sweet & amazing (so I thought) he had all the right things to say and could always make me smile-was always right beside me. I opened up and told him about everything and he seemed to understand more than anyone. The first 6 months were perfect and we ended up getting a house together that summer. Everything was great we had the family life I’d always wanted, I loved him-he loved me & most importantly my son loved him, but as time went on he began sketching out, staying away from home-never wanting to talk to me and I was always finding texts from other girls. He always said they were “just friends” and I was always stupid enough to believe him. To keep it kind of short within the next 6 month there’s a few things that happened: One day I came home from work to find everything in our house gone-he had moved back to his mothers without evening telling me. We talked on & off and went threw a lot of hardship (or atleast I  did ) I wanted things to work and I tried my best but time after time I kept getting lead on then dropped and told I wasn’t good enough. Recently I learned that he had cheated on me multiple times the entire time so all my suspensions had been right. Around Christmas time we worked things out-he lived with me again for about 2 months and things were great-my son started calling him daddy (which I wasn’t sure of but no one was telling him to and my bf seemed to of changed so we left it be) but right after Christmas he disappeared again. We argued threw text he would tell me how worthless I am/my son is and that he just felt sorry for me-then blocked me from everything. I didn’t see him for three months. I had finally started to get back on my feet and had actually met someone who was really great then he came back, started texting again said he was sorry that he was wrong-we met a few times and talked and this continued for about a month until I finally gave into my heart and tried again. Everything was great and then he just once again disappeared – that was two months ago I haven’t seen him since. He still tells me I’m worthless and that I “need to grow up” and makes sure to post on FB and tell everyone about all these “new” girls he’s with and how he never loved me or my son. I feel like a failure, all I do is sit and think of these things and cry. I don’t have any friends and even my family is pretty much useless they don’t understand and all they do is critsize me. I just have no one other than my son and sometimes I cant even look at him because I feel I failed him, he still asks for my ex and doesn’t understand that he’s gone. I don’t understand that he is gone, I still keep waiting for that call or text that always comes around and each day that it doesn’t it still hurts. I feel lost and it’s not just him it’s just everything. Everyone around me has these great lives with either tons of friends or bf/gf but I don’t. All my friends are gone, all I do is work-sleep-and lay around I just don’t have the umpth to do anything. I try so hard to be happy-to even pretend I’m happy, but I just cant be L.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 6/2/2011 3:35 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Nicole,

Welcome to the HealingWell Depression forum. I don't think you are being treated right by your ex and I think, in my opinion, that you should forget about him and make a new life for you and your son. Right now, think of the two of you first. You don't deserve to be talked down to or to be treated badly and I would take him off of your FB so you don't read what he writes. It sounds like he is very immature and not even a good father figure. I wouldn't put my son through it anymore. IF he comes to see him that is fine, b ut no more relationship. As he is only bringing you down. You have a lot going for you right now with a prescious son and a job. You are being a good mother. Keep up the good work and don't let this guy get to you. Just continue what you are doing and go on without him. I think you might want to talk to your doctor or a counselor and get moving on getting rid of this depression. The sooner you attack it, the better it would be. Easier. So go in and get a physical to make sure there is nothing going on there. Then talk to them about seeing a counselor or if medication would help you. You are probably under a lot of stress right now.

Keep posting, others will be on to give you advice.

Hoping that you are having a good day.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Regular Member

Date Joined Nov 2010
Total Posts : 50
   Posted 6/3/2011 6:06 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Nicole,

I'm glad that you are here. Whenever I am having a really rough day and I post my feelings here I get wonderful advice and support.

I'm sorry to hear about all you are going through, finding the right guy is a really tough task. I'm 24, and my current relationship is probably one of the only healthy ones I've ever had. Maybe right now isn't the right time to look for a new love, not saying that you should be alone but in order to find a good one we have to be settled and happy in ourselves :) .

I think Karen is right in that you should focus on your relationship with your son. Try spending special time with him, take him to the park where you can meet other mommys. I don't know if your a fan of pets but perhaps adopting a pet would help you feel less lonely and make your son happy.

Try not to let your family bother you, I don't get along with my family either.

Sometimes it's best to ignore their comments especially if they are negative.

Keep on posting I promise it will help

Hugs and <3s,


Post Edited (IWantToSmileAgain) : 6/3/2011 5:09:22 AM (GMT-6)

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