I want to be me again. But my mind wont ever let me.

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A-scribble-on-the-table
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 6/2/2011 7:35 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi, I'm new on healingwell.com.
I'm 15, and used to live with my mother, who tormented me constantly.
Now I know that you all probably think, 'Oh, another teen angry at her parents.' I know every other adult does.
But I've been living with my loving dad for over a year and suddenly, all of these pent up emotions towards my mother just pop up.
I'm an artist and a writer, which used to be my source of stress relief. Now I cant put a paintbrush to canvas without drawing a crying girl who wishes she was free.
I can't write without it turning into a personified expirience of my own.
Here is an extract of one of my stories. I was orignally writing an action/romance and it turned into this.
"'I never did anything of the sort, you liar.'
'But you did, mother. I only wanted to be accepted by you.'
'But nobody cares if you live or die. You're only a teenager, a speck in a world of giants."
It only gets worse.
Now, I might sound like a sulk who needs to stop being a wuss, but she used to do terrible things to me.
Hitting me or threatening to kill herself was an average day after school for me. 
I'm always told that everything gets better at the end, and if it isn't better, it isn't the end.
But what if I don't have that light at the end of the tunnel?
I'm a straight A student, I have a loving dad and three adoring little brothers and all I want is to be able to paint something that doesn't  remind me of the worst three years of my life.
I just need somebody to talk to.....I want to be me again.
 

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 6/2/2011 8:35:37 PM (GMT-6)


IWantToSmileAgain
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2010
Total Posts : 50
   Posted 6/2/2011 9:41 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi there,

You came to the right place for support. I have found a lot of compassion and good advice here.

I'm sorry to hear about your mother. I don't get along with my dad or my sister and sometimes it makes me really sad and depressed too. When I was in my freshman year of college an advisor who sort of became my temporary psychologist told me I had to make my own family. He told me to surround myself with people that made me happy and didn't bring me down. I think it's good that you no longer have to live with your mom, especially if she was abusing you mentally and physically, that's horrible.

I think you should also continue painting and writing even if your work is a little dark. I write poetry when I'm depressed and it helps.

Keep posting and try to focus on your relationship with your dad and little brothers,

Hugs and <3

Britt

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 6/2/2011 9:41 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi A-scribble-on-the-table,

A very unique name. lol... It brings back memories. I paint too. I use acrylics, but all my stuff got destroyed in a fire, and I have yet to start up again. I find that I paint more when I am depressed than when I am not. I am sorry that you don't feel accepted by your mother. But there comes a time when we have to live for ourselves and move on. I know it is hard. My mother never accepted me either. I finally quit trying to please her and lived for myself. And that is what you need to learn to do.

I had to edit your post as we aren't allowed to discuss self harm or suicide on the forum. But I understand how you feel. Are you seeing anybody for depression? I think it would be a good move on your part. To help you sort things out and get on with life. You are young, it is easier to heal. Faster too. You can catch this depression early and continue to heal by painting and writing. Maybe you should just allow yourself to paint whatever you paint. Maybe until you finish it, you wont be able to move on. It could be just a mood thing too. But express yourself with your art. Let things out that way. Keep painting. And keep posting. I hope that things work out for you in a good way.

Take care.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

realdeal123
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 43
   Posted 6/2/2011 9:55 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi A scribble be strong, you have found a great resource here and don't be scared to reach out for help. It was tough for me to do and this site has given me the strength to do so. I always think it will never get better but it does. Feel free to reach out to me at anytime, I am going through a difficult time right now and believe me I have had many of them but it does improve.

A-scribble-on-the-table
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 6/5/2011 10:28 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you all so much, I really did just need to talk to people who shared my expirences. I usually don't have many people to talk to, not that I have a lack of friends it is really just that many people understand my situation.
Thanks so much, and I'm sorry for the trouble about the post, I think I just began to pour myself out a little to much.. ^^:

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 6/6/2011 6:19 AM (GMT -6)   
That is okay, just got to follow rules is all. I think you sound better. I hope I am right. Know that we are always here to listen.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

danwa29
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 6/6/2011 10:26 AM (GMT -6)   
It is really hard having a parent that dose not seem to care about you at that age. I think it is great that you are communicating about it now instead of just keeping it to your self. You seem like a smart girl for your age. I am an artist or ex artist myself. Even though you may not like what is coming out on your canvas. I think you should just keep letting your brush lead you and try not to let your mind lead your brush. That is what real art is. Keep drawing the crying girl. You may not know it but it also may be a release for you and help you cope with the situation you are in. You are not just another 15 year old with another parent problem. You are a special person who disserves to be loved. Keep talking about it and be thankful for your loving dad.

danwa29
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 6/6/2011 10:33 AM (GMT -6)   
I am starting an independent non profit social network.  I would like to see some of your art and here more about you.  it is thesecretme.org  If I do not see you there good luck to you!

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 6/6/2011 12:28 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi danwa29,

Welcome to the forum.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

A-scribble-on-the-table
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 6/7/2011 9:27 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you Getting By, I am feeling better. I've been speaking to a few people lately and they keep telling me to just let everything out.
I really do have to thank you all so much xx

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 6/8/2011 6:31 AM (GMT -6)   
I am so glad that you are feeliing better ASOTT.

Keep us posted, good or bad. We are here for you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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