Post by Fish out of water.

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Fish out of water
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 26
   Posted 6/8/2011 1:49 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi. Im 19 years old. I have been having a lot of depression these days. I dont have anyone to talk to. I sleep all day(after coming back from my college) and im awake all night! I cant sleep at night! I have tried everything! Actually the thing which doesn't let me sleep is that there was a guy in my life that i loved a lot. We were together for 4 years. Best friends for a year and in a relationship for 3 years. He loved me a lot! he made my life heaven. I felt like a princess. He did everything for me.
I must tell u that i have a major problem with me that I cant trust anyone. I did trust him of course. But it was more like I was always suspecting him! This started more often when i found him a bit guilty when i asked to see his cell phone. He usually had mine in his hand. So he didnt give to me and was like 'I dont like people checking up on me'. This happened twice. So i return for that i started to suspect him a lot. Most of the times i was proven wrong by him on my face and it embarrassed me but he consoled me and understood my problem. I did it because i dint want to lose him.
Lately we were meeting a lot. As we live in different cities. He came to meet me. He stayed for a month and we met around daily. Love was increasing. There was a huge difference. We understood more, we missed more and we loved more. And i of course started to suspect more.
I actually am a one man women. I cant bear a lot of people in my life. So im always afraid of losing the people near me. He started to get really annoyed lately by my suspicious attitude all the time. I would suspect him then fight with him for no reason. So we used to fight everyday. He tried to change me. Told me that he will always be there with me no matter what. He was my perfect kind of a definition of a guy.
Then one day after a whole exasperated month of fights and my lame behavior he trailed off! He was screaming on the top of his voice. He kept screaming that he cant take it anymore that he is tired and doesn't want this relation anymore. He was very bad in his selection of words that he used for me. Which hurt me and broke me in to pieces. I kept listening to him silently as he screamed. Then he crossed the limit and i screamed in return. That was it. We had an end.
In that fight, while screaming he said a lot of things that i religiously revise everyday and every night and so im getting sick y every passing day. He pin pointed my weakness. He said that 'I was sick, I had a mental disorder. He said that yeah he dint want to marry me and had fun with me for a while and is now leaving. He said that if thats what i always suspected so listen to it. He said that im never going to forget him and he was right. Even though he hurt me so much. Demoralized me. Abused me i cant stop thinking about him.
A friend of mine got to know some how that we broke up. She messaged him. He said that he never wants a relationship with me again.
We always used to fight and broke up. But were always back again some how. We had huge fights. But he never talked to me like this. I would have called him back. I could even say sorry, only if he hadn't use such words for me and abused me.
Im still confused. He always used to promise me that he will never leave me. Will always love me. Marry me no matter what. But now? Hes gone. Its been a week now. It seems like a whole month to me. Im so hurt. I can do nothing. My heart and my mind is always questioning me that, was his love true? did he lie to me for all 3 years? did he lie when he said that he loved me and wanted to marry me? Does he still miss me and wants me back. Im in a state of serious depression.
I believe now that may be he got tired of me. Maybe he has another woman now in his life. Cause i remember that when ever we used to fight he used to come back to me the next day saying that he misses me and cant live without me. He would say sorry even if it was my mistake. He couldnt live without me. He couldnt bear another person's interference in my life. He could never bear me giving importance to my friends. But he suddenly changed. May be because he had another woman now and what ever he needed from me he got from her. May be she is better than me too. I dont know if its true or im suspecting again or what it is. But i know that he could never live without me even for a day and now he says that he NEVER wants a relation with me again.
I dont wanna live anymore. I never want to see a guy in my life. I have had enough. I never wanna marry.
Please help me out. Im so confused. I dont know what to do.
I'll be really thankful.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 6/8/2011 2:32:58 PM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42434
   Posted 6/8/2011 2:32 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Fishoutofwater,

It sounds like your insecurities and jealousy pushed him away. And I don't know if he will go back to that. It sounds like you could really use some couseling to get your head straight. You have bad insecurities that effected a good relationship. And you don't want that to happen again.

I suggest seeing a counselor and getting your self esteem back and get you moving in the right direction. You sound like a nice person who just needs a little help. You may end up needing medicatoins too. So you might want to talk to your doctor. You aren't thinking clearly and it is obvious that you have some self image issues. I hope that you get the help that you need. I am sorry that your bf walked out of the relationship, but believe me, there will be other guys in your life, even if you don't think so now.

Keep posting, welcome to the forum. I am going to have to change your post title, it sounds too much like a suicide post and we aren't allowed to discuss that on here.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Fish out of water
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 26
   Posted 6/8/2011 5:23 PM (GMT -6)   
I cant stop waiting for him to come back. Even when he has said so much. I dont know where is my self respect gone. I want to be strong enough and even if he comes back i should be ready to say no to him. Because even though i love him so much. Some part my mind still knows that i want to be respected. Thats foremost for me. So i cant have him back after all that he has said. I wonder is there anything like love that exists. I cant go see a psychologist, thats a long story its self. Theres nothing i can do except for regretting how bad my life is and how much u do for people and in turn there is nothing u get.
Im sorry for the subject thing! I actually got carried away! Thanku so much for all ur help. It means so much. God bless u.
<3

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42434
   Posted 6/8/2011 6:26 PM (GMT -6)   
God bless you too.

Hugs, Karen

You have to do what you have to do. We understand.
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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