I don't know what to do

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AzyMae18
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 6/9/2011 9:51 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm eighteen years old, and my parents split up when I was fourteen. My mom cheated
on my father with a guy that I had a crush on. (He's in his twenties, and she's forty.)
I have been depressed since I was about eleven, when I was sexually abused by my brother for a two-month long period. For about a year afterwards, I talked in a baby voice, and my mother would often tell me that my voice was killing her brain cells. Needless to say, any small bit of confidence I had left was gone.
 
I have always had fantasies about, and I find it very hard to picture myself living life like a normal person. I was raised extremely sheltered, my parents didn't even let me cross the street until I was able to drive. I never really grew up, it seems. After the divorce, my whole world fell apart. It came about all of a sudden, one day everything was fine, and then that night, it exploded into violence. I watched my dad suffer as he found out about the affair, and the expression on his face, that look that his whole foundation had fallen apart, is stuck in my mind forever. I've felt a strong responsibilty to keep my parents, especially my father, happy. I even broke up with the only person who ever happily put up with all of my BS, because he was getting in the way of my spending time with my dad. On that subject, I get absolutely sickened when I see people in relationships. I don't believe in marriage anymore, and I do not feel the need for companionship, or relationships of any kind. I hate sex, and yet, I think about it a LOT, so much that I feel like a ****. Sometimes it's like I have two polar opposites in my brain, and both are trying to take control.
 
Aside from the responsibilty for my parents' happiness, and the crushing guilt of moving in with my mom after the divorce instead of staying with my father, I've watched myself turn into something of a monster. All I can feel is anger and hatred and depression. I hate myself, I hate the world, I hate everyone in it. I hate stupid television shows, I hate the people ON the shows, I hate the news, and there isn't much I'm not horribly critical of. I feel like everyone is a fake, a liar, and I constantly try to pinpoint the bad in everyone, and in every situation. I have extreme social anxiety, I can barely step into a store without having a panic attack and feeling close to passing out. I don't like to leave my house, where I live with my mom and her boyfriend. He and I fight constantly, and my mom ALWAYS takes his side, no matter what names he calls me, or how he treats me.
 
 Suddenly, I have to become an adult, and now, piled on top of the depression, hatred, and anger, is fear. I'm afraid to live, and I don't know if I'm ready to become an adult. I can't picture it, and I just feel so hopeless and scared. I don't want to live, but I don't want to die.
 
I don't understand how my brother grew up to be so well-adjusted, when it seems like I'm falling apart. I wish someone would just switch me off and fix me.   
 

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 6/10/2011 7:37:20 AM (GMT-6)


Geosojda
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 262
   Posted 6/10/2011 7:10 AM (GMT -6)   
Sounds like you have been though a lot. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I know this will be very hard to do but you really need to confide in someone with whats going on, its the only way to get yourself better, and yes you can get better, this board is full of people who were able to get better. Do you have any choice as to where you are living? Would it be possible to move in with your dad? It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now and it would really helpful if you could get some help to sort out all of your emotions. Please keep in touch.
When the only tool you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

with your past and your future precisely divided, Am I at that moment?. . I haven't decided.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42436
   Posted 6/10/2011 7:47 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi AzyMae,

I am sorry for what you are going through, I wonder, like Geosojda, can you move in with your father? It sounds like you would be much happier that way. I am sorry for what your mother did. It must of devistated your father. But it wasn't you, so don't blame yourself for any of this. None of it was your fault. It is just adults not acting like adults. Hence your mom's affair.

Try to keep up with your counseling. It really does help. It takes a while though.

Know that we are all here for you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

AzyMae18
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 6/10/2011 8:37 AM (GMT -6)   
I very briefly lived with my dad, and it was the most fun I've ever had. After the divorce, he became a very close friend, rather than just my dad. But he lost his job and had to sell the house, so he moved into the apartment in my great-grandma's garage and has been living there ever since. It's about the size of a normal living room. If it were at all possible to stay with my dad, I would. He's exactly like me, and I have told him a little bit about how I feel, but I could never tell him about what happened with me and my brother. It would devastate him, and I can't be the one responsible for anymore of his unhappiness. This is the man that watched the woman he'd loved since he was seventeen walk out of his life, that cried on my shoulder, that would pass out drunk on the dining room table, yelling my mom's name in his sleep. I let him down already, when I had a little incident involving the police and a posession charge. I got the stuff from my dad, and he told me that I was the only woman he trusted, until that point. When he told me that, it was like something in me died. And now when I look at him, all I can think of is that he is looking back at me and thinking about what a horrible disappointment I am to him.

My parents always compare me to my brother, bragging about what a great job he has, how much money he makes, how responsible he is. They ask me why I don't have any of those things, and I want to scream that if they REALLY knew what their precious son was like, they wouldn't want me to be so much like him. My brother was very violent, stupid sibling arguments would turn into him strangling me in less than a minute. He would punch me, bite me, rip my hair out, kick down my bedroom door and attack me, and even once he hit me with a belt. My brother and I can get along fine these days, he's calmed down a lot and we have NEVER spoken about what happened. I'm not afraid of him, but when I look at him, I always remember those nights, and I feel sick for a moment before just reminding myself that we're all good now. I wonder if he ever thinks about it, too.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42436
   Posted 6/10/2011 9:09 AM (GMT -6)   
I can see where these things bother you. Stay close to your dad. I don't think he is disappointed in you. It was a mistake (we can't talk about it here) that just happened. Things do happen. Your dad can be a support system for you. Do you go to any counseling? That might help you cope through all of this. I am sorry that you and your mom have issues. Hopefully as you get older and she gets older, things will calm down. Life can be like this. But it gets better. Just be you. Take life one day at a time. Try to forget about the past and put it behind you and start fresh. That can be done with determination. You sound like a smart person and vey compassionate. That will get you places. Keep being you. You are a nice person. Don't change.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

AzyMae18
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 6/10/2011 2:34 PM (GMT -6)   
I believe I will be getting counseling for that mistake I made. I wanted to get into counseling earlier, but my mom said I was being overdramatic. I just feel like talking to people on here, who have gone through these things before, who suffer depression, and who know what it's like to feel down, is a comfort, and this website has been nothing but helpful to me. I am thankful for the advice I have received on this post, and even the advice given to others has been a comfort as well.

I will seek some sort of therapy, and take the reassurance I have gotten here to heart. It felt good to finally say all of those things, I was worried about the feedback and I know now I shouldn't have been. It's nice to talk to caring people, even if you don't know who they are. I think somehow it makes it easier to tell these sorts of things without having to look at someone, seeing their eyes and trying not to scrutinize their face for some form of disgust or judgment. In short, I am very happy I found this website, and to those who have commented, I don't know you, but thank you.
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