I'm eighteen years old, and my parents split up when I was fourteen. My mom cheated
on my father with a guy that I had a crush on. (He's in his twenties, and she's forty.)
I have been depressed since I was about eleven, when I was sexually abused by my brother for a two-month long period. For about a year afterwards, I talked in a baby voice, and my mother would often tell me that my voice was killing her brain cells. Needless to say, any small bit of confidence I had left was gone.
I have always had fantasies about, and I find it very hard to picture myself living life like a normal person. I was raised extremely sheltered, my parents didn't even let me cross the street until I was able to drive. I never really grew up, it seems. After the divorce, my whole world fell apart. It came about all of a sudden, one day everything was fine, and then that night, it exploded into violence. I watched my dad suffer as he found out about the affair, and the expression on his face, that look that his whole foundation had fallen apart, is stuck in my mind forever. I've felt a strong responsibilty to keep my parents, especially my father, happy. I even broke up with the only person who ever happily put up with all of my BS, because he was getting in the way of my spending time with my dad. On that subject, I get absolutely sickened when I see people in relationships. I don't believe in marriage anymore, and I do not feel the need for companionship, or relationships of any kind. I hate sex, and yet, I think about it a LOT, so much that I feel like a ****. Sometimes it's like I have two polar opposites in my brain, and both are trying to take control.
Aside from the responsibilty for my parents' happiness, and the crushing guilt of moving in with my mom after the divorce instead of staying with my father, I've watched myself turn into something of a monster. All I can feel is anger and hatred and depression. I hate myself, I hate the world, I hate everyone in it. I hate stupid television shows, I hate the people ON the shows, I hate the news, and there isn't much I'm not horribly critical of. I feel like everyone is a fake, a liar, and I constantly try to pinpoint the bad in everyone, and in every situation. I have extreme social anxiety, I can barely step into a store without having a panic attack and feeling close to passing out. I don't like to leave my house, where I live with my mom and her boyfriend. He and I fight constantly, and my mom ALWAYS takes his side, no matter what names he calls me, or how he treats me.
Suddenly, I have to become an adult, and now, piled on top of the depression, hatred, and anger, is fear. I'm afraid to live, and I don't know if I'm ready to become an adult. I can't picture it, and I just feel so hopeless and scared. I don't want to live, but I don't want to die.
I don't understand how my brother grew up to be so well-adjusted, when it seems like I'm falling apart. I wish someone would just switch me off and fix me.
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 6/10/2011 7:37:20 AM (GMT-6)