Posted 6/15/2011 5:00 PM (GMT -7)
I can't talk to my friend on my phone, funny enough even if I could I probably wouldn't understand his "patois", he's Jamaican lol. He speaks normal English enough online though I never have problems understanding. If I ask him to, he can go into his patois mode and I'm totally lost, though my attempts at translating are usually pretty funny. I would actually be ok if I had him around again as I've gotten so used to him on messenger as a shoulder or just someone to cheer me up. His PC broke down a few months ago so I can still message him on Facebook, it's just not live chat anymore until he gets a new one.
As for why I'm here so much.. it's many reasons. I have nowhere to go, nobody to go with, nothing to do once I get there and most importantly.. I can't afford to get there. I live with my dad who's retired and on SSI. That's basically all we have. I have a reputation among my diminishing family of being the indoors computer geek.. but for the most part I don't choose it. The anxiety does keep me from leaving, and it keeps me from reaching out to strangers. One reason is just plain bad experience, most of my life I haven't had emotional care. I'm female and my mom was long gone by the time I was 10, she didn't die but she did pick up and leave. We don't know where she is. She carted me and my sister around to various Women's' Centers / Shelters to keep us from my dad so my relationship with my dad hasn't really had time to improve. He's much older than the average dad someone my age would have, he's 71.
I have no medical conditions as far as I know that keep me from working and I've worked before, for a friend whose business is a very short distance from my home. But when his customers and needs slow down, I'm out of work. I fixed computers for him and did some secretarial things. I also tutored at my college while I attended there, it was definitely fun for me because I just like to help. The problem now, though, is finding a job around here. There seem to be none. For a brief time I lived in Mesa, AZ and was absolutely astounded by how many businesses were everywhere lol but it's far from the case here. I know a part-time job would be enough stimulation to keep me from being so anxious and feeling like I'm going nowhere, it's just very hard to find one around here. And I still worry about driving because it has happened before, my drive to and from college was a straight 20 minutes.. with no radio.
And to describe the panic attack is kind of very hard, I know most people didn't grow up like I have and have no experience of this much time alone. In large groups of people I'm the one looking for a place to sit alone or stand near a door and just watch everyone else. Of course I respond if anyone says something to me, but I'm not the one to initiate anything.
All I ever do is think, and sometimes I just get this crushing loneliness. I become really really self aware, if that makes sense. My life never changes, I'm not happy and I guess it just all comes crashing down on me. Lately more often. I try to bug my dad into installing a radio into the car, he doesn't really know how much it would help me because he has no idea what's going on with me, me and my sister both think that's for the best. It would serve as a nice distraction for my mind, and of course music soothes the soul, or so it seems.