Today begins the journey of a lifetime; and the hardest one of all...weight loss. Today begins my weight loss journey in which I have divided into four phases over the course of the next year...yep, that's right...365 days to lose 148 lbs. In each phase there are three months, in which I must lose 37 lbs.
I went to the doctor a few weeks ago because of my irregularities in my period and my lack of sleep and she weighed me and I tipped the scales at 288 lbs. 288!!!! I thought to myself, what the **** Katie?!!! How the hell are you letting yourself get this big? Why do you keep doing this to yourself? Is this a type of self-mutilation??!!! When i think about and when i look at myself, I feel hopeless and I feel like I am never going to change because I am my worst enemy and nothing phases me, not the sleep apnea, not the pains in my chest, not the extensive fatigue that I feel and rejection from society on a daily basis. When I wake up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror, I see a cute face with a huge, ugly and hideous body. Rolls hanging off my body weighing me down, keeping me down from my potential....keeping me away from my true happiness, higher self-esteem and self-confidence.
I look at myself and I wonder how did I let this happen?
One thing I can pinpoint for sure are my daddy issues. Growing up my father was a drug addict and an alcoholic who I saw every other weekend, and hardly saw sober. My parents divorced when I was 4 years old and I remember the day my dad backed out of the driveway leaving my mother and I and choosing his addictions over his own family, over his own daughter. Although my dad was what people call a "deadbeat", I still loved him because he always made it clear that he loved me with all his heart. But deep down inside, I had a bit of resentment that he chose drugs and alcohol over me. I look back at my life and I wonder if I would be different, if my life would be different, had my parents never divorced and would have been happy together. My dad had all the opportunities in the world to make something of himself and he let himself be defeated by chemicals, by substances and peer pressure and addiction. I know its hard to break habits and addictions, but I also know it is not impossible.
When I think about how I let myself do this to me, I think that if I died tomorrow, I really wouldn't care. I mean, I have no intention of purposely hurting myself...but if God were to take me tomorrow by accident, I would be fine with it. I don't know if that means that I am just not afraid of death, or if that means im passively suicidal. I would never have the nerve to attempt to kill myself but I know I just don't care about myself. I don't know how to change that. I don't know how to love myself, I don't how to care about myself. I don't know what to do. I eat and eat and eat and crave and crave and crave. I binge, I eat compulsively, I eat when I am mad, sad, happy, etc. Its a cultural habit, etc. All of these things equal overeating. I don't know how to control myself or control it. I just want to be a normal sized 22 year old.
I just need support and I really need help with my psychology in order for my weight loss plan to be effective.