I've been in my room for the past two weeks. I have an appointment to see someone at a wellness center in three days and the wait is killing me.
I, 26, resigned from my teaching position about
a month ago because I felt like I couldn't handle the stress. I know depression is something I've dealt with since I was nine, but I think I've developed some anxiety issues accompanied with some mild paranoia. I became obsessed with the idea that I was going to get fired for not being a good teacher, even though my principal begged me not quit.
Because I quit, (without having any other job lined up, by the way) I may lose the house I was in the process of buying; I asked my principal a week ago if he could take me back and he said he'd check on some things and get back to me. I've eaten very little and done nothing but wait for the phone to ring. In the meantime, my roommate informs me she's leaving by the end of the month, which (as I'm the leaseholder) has me paying for all the rent on a three-bedroom until the lease expires at the end of August.
I've had a history with depression, but have never been this low before and I keep making irrational decisions and fear what I'm going to do next.
In the coming week, I'm going to spill out my guts to a stranger and I'm so desperate for relief, I guess I decided to jump online and do it ahead of time; I don't have anyone else to talk to. Friends I once shared everything with are married and in the "mommy club," so they're lucky if they have five minutes to see how I'm doing.
It takes a lot longer than five minutes. Who else can I talk to? Family? Dead or estranged due to dysfunction; about
a year and a half ago, my mother told me, among other things, to go to hell and that she and my dad were "disowning" me. Then she threatened to kill my friends and harassed us all until phone numbers and email addresses were changed.
That's a huge part of my problem; I know my mother has some major mental illness and the only thing I'm more afraid of than her is that it's genetic. She's always been verbally abusive to me and when I grew up, moved out, and drifted away, she accused me of abandoning my family, so now I don't have one anymore.
When my brother was my age, he had attempted suicide twice and was afterwards admitted into a mental health care facility. I know at one time he was medicated for a panic disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder.
So...I guess my question is...and what I'm dying to know is...based on my own personal symptoms which include depression, anxiety, mild paranoia, drastic changes in appetite, sleep paralysis (accompanied by auditory hallucinations), and my genetic predisposition, what is wrong with me and what can be done about
I'm tired of trying to deal with things on my own. I wanted so much to be the "normal" one and I admit I've put up a very convincing front to the world but I can't deny that sometimes I feel like my brain is my own worst enemy and I'm afraid of what people will think of me if I get diagnosed with something. (I sense that's another irrational thought.)
Since I've been 13, I could be found crying for no reason. I am chronically single, I've had many friendships turn sour, and out of all the people who could have suggested I get help just abandon me. I'm a little angry that no one has expressed any concern for my well being until my principals asked me if I was okay this past spring. They were the first ones who even noticed something was wrong and they don't even know me that well.
I used to enjoy my job and my classes have always had outstanding state test scores. I just hate to think that in addition to everything else I've lost that I've lost my job and the house I'm about
to close on just because I broke down finally. In a way, I'm glad I did because now I realize how much help I need.
Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Post Edited (meowmeow) : 6/19/2011 7:43:51 PM (GMT-6)