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New Member

Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 6/19/2011 10:35 PM (GMT -6)   
this is my first time posting anything like this online. iv been married about 10 years and we split up 7 months ago. the marriage wasnt good, we were both depressed and unhappy. its kind of a long story and ill do my best to keep it short. when i met her i knew i loved her and we dated about a year and a half and during that time she broke up with me like once every few weeks, i honestly cant tell you why i married her guess i just had to have her. we got married and it was constant fights and hurt feelings. there was never any physical abuse. anyways we split up last year for about 5 weeks, i had left her, it had just gotten to be too much. she was always distant and said i was to smothering. i just wanted to be close and ill admit i was jealous of everything.i always had my feelings hurt and felt unloved . i always felt that if she had been more affectionate everything wouldve been different. i was constantly trying to make her happy, taking her lunch to work, taking her on date nights, id do lil sweet things like start her car in the mornings on cold days. those were the ways i was trying to show her i loved her. i didnt feel like i got these things in return, i knew she loved me but she acted like she couldnt stand me. she always said i didnt see myself and i was the problem and i lacked empathy. well after those 5 weeks we got back together and we lasted for maybe 7 more months. she left me the last time. wev tried to work things out the last 7 months and itll start feeling better but then we have a blow up. well about a week ago it hit me like a truck, all the things she had said about me were true. i was self centered, selfish, and controlling. now understand in the last 7 months iv had moments iv beaten myself up but still didnt really get it. i feel like i really get it this time.  she was distant because she had to be with me. i pushed her away with my control. well 2 weeks ago we had a big fight and she said she was done and in the last week iv been over there and told her i seen what id done. she was satisfied i finally understand and says shes happy for me but doesnt want to be married anymore. its killing me because just a few weeks ago it felt like we were getting somewhere and now that i get where i went wrong shes done. i honestly dont blame her but all the 2nd chances she give why not now when i get it? i had always believed the last 10 years was both our faults. now i see it was mine and i thought i knew what i had lost but in the last week i realize that i had no idea. i ruined the best thing ive ever had. we have a lil girl and i miss my family. i didnt mean to do the things i done. i think she knows i tried. she compares me to an alcohalic in that you cant fix the problem if you dont think you have one. i dont want to lose her and its gotten to the point she acts like shes my buddy and i cant stand to go around her. i cant focus on anything else and my work and school are suffering. i dont eat and im drinking more. i know i dont deserve a second chance but i need her. if you read this thanks for doing so. any feedback would be helpful, thanks 

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 6/20/2011 12:36 AM (GMT -6)   
Mike based on what you have written I think it all comes down to that you and your wife are simply wrong for each other, and if you feel it is important to know who is responsible for it not working out then the answer to that is you both are. At this point though I think it is more important for you to pull yourself together and move on, and believe me when I say that I know all to well how that is easier said than done.

When I went through my divorce I sank into a hole inside of myself for months. I became distant to everyone around me, rarely ate, got drunk several nights a week and on the nights I didn't get drunk I still had a few drinks. I went through the entire gambit of it was all her fault, it was all my fault, it was everyone's fault, etc. In the end though I realized it was both our faults and that we never should have gotten married in the first place and that it was the ghosts from our past and how they influenced us in the present is what blinded us to the fact we were wrong for one another. Those realizations though did not come until I pulled myself out of the hole I dug and hid in and started to really live once again and I was not able to do that until I realized it really did not matter what went wrong or why it went wrong but what mattered was moving forward.

While I did not have a child with her I did have a child who needed me and that I was not doing him any good being down, drinking and in general not taking care of myself. For me, my son was the first step in climbing out of that whole. The other steps were work, family, and friends, and last but not least, myself. It took me almost 6 months before I started feeling truly human again, and I had to find things to do to distract me whenever I started feeling down again, but I persevered and took it one day, and sometimes one minute, at a time.

Mike, I strongly suggest finding someone to talk to. Someone who can help you work through your feelings and help you turn your depression, anger, etc into a resolve that will see you though this. If you are actually attending a real school and not an online one they probably have counselors on staff and that would be a good place to start, and talking to someone who does not know you or your wife and who does not have any emotional interest or ties to either of you would be best right now really as they will be able to give you honest, non judgmental feedback.

In the meantime think about your daughter. No matter what happens between you and your wife she needs both her mommy and her daddy, and she needs to know that this is not her fault and that you both love her more than anything else in the world. No matter what your wife may say to her or how you feel do not bad mouth your wife to your daughter. Take the high road and if you are unable to say anything nice about her then don't say anything at all. Your daughter will see and understand one day who is doing what (if it comes to that) and will do so sooner that you can imagine. Show your little girl how much you love her by being there for her and giving her your attention. You don't have to be living there with her to do this.

One more thing in regards to your daughter. Regardless of what your wife says in regards to you visiting her get it on paper. Don't take any chances with your wife one day trying to use you seeing your daughter as some kind of weapon against you.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 6/20/2011 7:35 AM (GMT -6)   

I wanted to welcome you to the forum. You have come to a good place. I agree with the above post. I think it is time for you to work on yourself. You may meet somebody else down the road and you don't want to repeat the same mistakes. So do seek counseling to help you through this. You are a good person and you need to know that. And yes, do keep the baby's best interest first. Do get it in writing about visitation or custody.

I am sorry for what you been through. Life does go on though and you will have one.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9664
   Posted 6/20/2011 9:34 AM (GMT -6)   
The others said it very well, if you can go and get counseling, it'll help
and it's time to think of your child, fight for her that'll be a way of
showing you love her...but don't get nasty with the divorce as that'll
do no one any good...
I'm sorry your marriage has ended, but things will get better...
well wishes
* So many dx's I could write a book* "It would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...
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