Sexual abuse, depression, confused life

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livelaughlovesss
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 6/20/2011 1:52 AM (GMT -6)   
hi this is my first entry into this website. I am a little nervous talking about myself because writing about it only helps me realize that the stuff that happened did in fact happen. I am 19 years old , female, live in the USA , am overweight and lead a very confusing life . A little background, when I was six I was sexually abused by my adopted uncle, and since then I have changed. I had always been chunky, but after this abuse I began to have anxiety and started overeating. In school i was bullied to the extremes , it was the most horrible time of my life . My cousin who used to be my best friend moved to another country and I became even more lonely. I had no friends, the only friend I had was my maid at home, who never judged me for my weight. Because of the horrible treatment from my classmates, I was never able to feel comfortable around people, and became very socially awkward , and always had a tough time finding friends. By the time i was 12 I learned to accept that the reason why I didn't have any friends and was a complete failure was because I was fat. Did I stop eating? no , I overate. The more I was criticized about my weight the more I ate. I was this insecure person who became really agressive with my parents. I began to develop anger towards my parents, subconsciously hating on my dad because he was a man. I then began wearing boys clothes, and hiding my body because one, I was fat, and two , i did not want to attract any kind of attention from boys. My mom put me in therapy for a while, but I was such a closed book that all we did was play games and I focused on trying to win the game instead of talking about my feelings. I didn't realize why I was put into therapy until now, for my mom knew what had happened to me . Fast forward to 5 years later, I had discovered through my doctor that I might suffer from panic attacks. not knowing what that was, I searched it up on the computer for the causes of it . All of the possible effects were not my case except for sexual abuse. i quickly scanned through my past and realized that what my uncle did to me was in fact sexual abuse. that was two years ago , and now I am in college, have lost a bit of weight, have a little more confidence, but still feel as though my life is as empty and meaningless as dirt. My aunt and grandmother suffer from depression, and now it got me thinking , do I suffer from depression? I seem to show all the symptoms. Looking at them , one can say that I am just a woman , and women tend to be insecure and very down on themselves. But what is it? I honestly dont know what other women have, if the number of people with depression is very high and I am just overreacting. I know image is very important to women more so than to men ( generalizing of course) and I realize that it is flaw in society about how a woman should be in order to feel loved. Yet, I still feel the pressure. I know I must lose weight because of my health, but I cant help but imagine the more friends I will get after I lose weight or the happier i will be. Anyways, my life is a mess, I am very confused and don't know what to think. I must also add that I have ADD that I got from father , and often my thoughts go all around the place. I don't know what to think because I am thinking about various things at the same time. One good note to me though is that, while I have an unhealthy relationship with food, I never use alcohol or drugs. I am very proud of that. I know am able to socialize better , but I wish I could better skills at gatherings. I am known to be very funny when with friends, and am constantly making fun of myself to make others laugh. But deep inside, I don't know if I am that giggly .People tell me I have a beautiful smile but in pictures it always comes out fake as if I didnt want to be there. I am always thinking about what others are saying about me , that is my worst fear, judgment. I get umcomfortable, distracted , angry when I feel someone is talking about me and automatically shut off. I am horrible at comfrontations. My mom always told me to stick up for myself but I never know what to say to the person. Back when I was bullied I used to bend over backwards to please others, thinking that would make a good friend. On the outside, i put on a facade that I am strong , funny and don't care , but on the inside it hurts . I also don't have a good relationship with my father. He is a wonderful man, hardworking, nice, responsible, but like me, is very much a closed book. I thought he was just a man's man but my mom told me recently he was also sexually abused as a child by his cousin. I dont remember him during my childhood, because he was always working and always very distracted. I have seen him cry only once or twice. Though he is a nice man, he is also very angry and impatient with my mom and I , always angry when my mom tries to discuss business with him. I must also say that from may 2010 until november of 2010 I was in therapy and we were able to discuss about the abuse a little bit , but not enough. TO be honest, I know that therapists are under oath when they swear, but my trust issues get on the way of me trusting the person to tell someone else. I apologize in advance for the length of this and how confusing it may be. Heck its confusing to me imagine to you . Any thoughts or questions i would be glad to answer. Thank you so much for reading this and I sincerely hope that this site will be beneficial to me and to all others who seek help.

shellyl
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 6/20/2011 6:01 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Honey
I was also abused and know exactly how you feel. I am 48 and I know it doesn't feel like it right now but it does get easier. You have to keep doing what you are doing, you are doing all the right things, you are awesome not turning to drugs or drink. What we tend to do is push the emotion down with the food so as you don't have to deal with the pain, Thus creating other problems, but you have already taken the first steps to being a VICTOR not victim, by joining this forum and talking to others that aren't judging you, dealing with the negative feelings and emotions here, means you don't have to keep pushing them down with food. I wish you all the very best, feel free to ask anything that you think will help you,
Shellyl

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42611
   Posted 6/20/2011 7:17 AM (GMT -6)   
HI there,

Welcome to the depression forum. I just got up, so I might write a little, and then write more later. You had two identical posts, so I deleted the one with no subject so that it doesn't get confusiing for all of us.

I am so sorry for what has happened in your past, but I can see you are dealing with it. I too had some incidences and it effected me too. I never had a father figure (except for my grandpa who died when I was young.) and I tended to go towards men. Even with the past events. I have acknowledged what happened, as you did. But now comes the time to try to put it behind you and work on yourself getting stronger which you have some.

I think food addictions are like any other addictions and need to be dealt with. I know somebody who has one and is diabetic. So she has to be very careful of what she eats. So there is a lot of conflict there.

I know that you can get through this. You sound very intelligent and you seem to know what you need to do. Keep posting, and think again about therapy. It really helps. I go and many others here do too.

I hoppe this finds you having a better day.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

livelaughlovesss
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 6/20/2011 11:12 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you so much for your responses ! I already feel better...
Shelly, that's what I am hoping for , that in a few years I will be better... Karen, thank you for taking the other post , it wouldn't submit so I assumed it hadn't.

Question , I often find myself not being able to tell stories or jokes , because i either get lost in them or don't remember the chronoligical order of it. Does anyone else experience this? I always have great stories to tell my friends with my clumsy self but It never comes out funny or interesting. I think I have chronological issues ...

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42611
   Posted 6/24/2011 2:41 PM (GMT -6)   
Somehow I missed this post and it got on the second page. I can't tell a joke for the life of me. Some people can and some can't. My husband comes up with some good ones, and good stories. He has a knack for it. I don't know if that would be a disorder. But are there other things that you can't get in order? Your thought process for instance?

I hope that you are having a good day. Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

livelaughlovesss
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 6/24/2011 4:40 PM (GMT -6)   
Definitely thought process.. it's a good way to describe what I need to work on.. and also, a bit of stuttering and confused thought when I speak.. people are left like, what?
I hate to describe it vaguely and loosely like this but it's a little bit like having dyslexia ... or maybe it's a sign of my ADD.
Could it be from having many thoughts at the same time?

luckyflowers
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 164
   Posted 6/24/2011 7:42 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi, and welcome! I also am new here, and usually post on the chronic pain board, but have also found a need to be here as well.

I must tell you that as I read your story, I thought most of the time you were writing about ME. With the exception of a few things we are very much alike. I also find your post very fitting for today as this is my 8 year anniversary of WLS. I had gastric by pass surgery and I lost 200 pounds, and I have kept it off. While you don't state how much you weigh or how much your overweight by, it really is just a number.

If you are not comfortable with your body that is what matters and should be the reason for change. I can tell you that it doesn't make your problems go away. It isn't a cure for what you have gone through, or what you could go through in the future. It is a cure for health issues. And for that reason alone its worth it to lose unwanted pounds! I always heard.."you have such a pretty face" If I had a dollar for every time I heard that, I'd be a billionaire!!

I have suffered sexual, and verbal abuse. Both of which continued to "feed" my food addiction. My fat kept me safe. And in the end it also hurt me. If I read correctly, I also grew up with a maid. But mine was always given my toys when I misbehaved. So I didn't care much for her. In school and with friends I was always the class clown. I either had to keep the attention off of me or on me but on my terms not the bullies. I was actually in the popular crowd...don't tell me you can't "buy" your friends...

Anyhow...been there done that and lots more. But remember this...Don't allow anyone to "steal" from you! Steal who you are and what you will become. No matter how insecure you are or feel NO ONE else knows this but YOU...so walk in a room like you own it!!! You can be everything you think you are, just believe it!

I can say all this. I have walked in your shoes. Don't give up, don't give in!! You have done nothing wrong! Some things you can't change, but that which you have control over you can!! If it will benefit you, then change it, you can do it!! I'm proud of you!!!!

Hugs!!!
Dx: Herniated disk in my neck C6-C7, Degenerative disc disease and arthritis in my neck, sciatica, RLS, migraines and post-op RNY gastric by pass and depression.

Meds: Oxy, Nortriptyline, percocet, norco, xanax(as needed), sinement, topamax, imitrex, and paxil

Personal: Single mom 43yrs old to three children- two girls 5 and 13 and my son 16yrs old. I work fulltime.

netball
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 195
   Posted 6/26/2011 2:23 AM (GMT -6)   
hi livelaughlovesss ,
i have been sexualy abused before and know exactly how you feel . although , i am still currently living with the man who inappropriately touched me and i know how much it hurts . and i too , feel guilty and as if its all my fault and i have not told many people about it . and im the oppisite to you , i stop eating . and i get really down . but sexual abuse is only half the reason i get so down . i also have alot of other stuff going on in my life and im 13 . my relationship with my mum sucks and the list goes on really ..
as for you being overweight , try not let it get you down too much . you are a good person and no one should be teased or mocked because no one deserves it and it is not fair . one of my best friends is highly overweight and she is lovely and has such a big heart , and im sure you are the same . i used to join in with the crowd and mock her until i really got to know her for the really good person that she is and now we are really good mates .
i also have a trust issue with certain people and am very closed up when i actually turn up to my councilling sessions .
take each day as it comes and keep your head up .
-jess

livelaughlovesss
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 6/26/2011 11:32 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey thank you so much for your responses... I was wondering if, with all my conditions , would I have depression?
I have always felt this empty space inside of me, where supposely my heart was at.

SINHOUSTON
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 6/28/2011 3:55 AM (GMT -6)   
I dont know if anyone would read this...

I'm having problems with my marriage.... My husband thinks I'm bipolar. But i doubt it.
Even tho we have been married for almost a 2yrs and have a new baby... He doesnt know that all our fights which I start... and insecurities is because of one night... A night when I got raped by my own exboyfriend.... Till this day I feel nothing towards life... That human desire to live.
From the moment I wake up I wonder what would be like if that night never happened... would things between my husband be different.
My relationship with my husband at first seemed ok... Almost to the perfect point.. Just me and him in love... Ofcourse I new he is my soulmate. So we married.
Time passed and I started to grow distant... I felt that he was gonna hit me or try to burn my face.. use me in anyway. Or make our relationship seem like it was perfect when in fact he was sleeping with someone else... But my husband does non of that.
I acted defensive towards him... I would always start a fight because I would picture him with someone else.... It got to a point that I would constantly check on his phone...
Till one day he walked out me pregnant (6months)...
until she was born is when he came back... reclaiming his position as a husband and a father... I should be pissed but just seeing my daughter happy having her dad with her just brings me peace as a mother... Tho as a wife I still have that insecurity.
I dont know what to do....My husband says he left because my attitude was so bad he couldnt take it anymore... I was acting to far.. controlling, defensive, and in our intimacy so much insecurity from me... I just wish this insecurity would go away. 

Post Edited (SINHOUSTON) : 6/28/2011 3:01:23 AM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42611
   Posted 6/28/2011 6:13 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi there and welcome to the forum. I have one piece of advice for you and that is counseling. You have to learn to not be insecure. And learn to trust again. Talk about what happened to your husband or a counselor. You are still probably dealing with the rape. Know that you are a good person. Especially when you want your daughter to be happy. That is most important right now. But you need to be happy too, and I think counseling would save you from a lot of misery hon. Please think about it.

Best wishes to you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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