I've got the worst memory so I'm not even sure if I brought this up in a post last week maybe but on tuesday I had my appointment with my old psychiatrist. He used to have me on cymbalta, zoloft, ativan, xanax, and sleeping pills back when I first went to him about a year or two ago. As you guys know I stopped taking meds and began to try and do this on my own in February, it was a complete struggle but I don't think it was any better/worse then it was when I was on meds.
After our short session (was only a 15 minute session that he was able to squeeze me in for a quick appointment bc I felt I really needed it), he said he thought that based upon my actions and things that I've been doing that I'm doing better then I was before when I was seeing him and only gave me .25 mg of xanax for the meantime to help with the sleeping problems.
Here's my problem though, I hate the fact and struggle so badly with admitting that I have a mental problem and need medicines to be ok. So when I'm in their offices I talk a lot about things that I'm doing that are positive, and don't really get too much into how weird/strange I feel at times. Today is totally my fault though, I drank all day yesterday and later in the night while I was drunk I thought it would be a good idea to. It was fun for the first hour but then I went into a full fledge anxiety/panic attack. Waking up today I am just completely out of it all day, just sitting around and staring blankly around at things. My mind is completely lost and just thinking of the weirdest crap.
What's with these weird thoughts? They make me feel as if I'm really a psycho. I think a lot about what is all of this for? Everyone putting on a show and acting happy and dealing with all of life's challenges/obstacles/bs everyday.....for what? I think about the fact that I'm 26 years old and haven't had a girlfriend, which makes me feel extremely insecure about myself. I used to be full of energy and like to actually do things and be able to have conversations with friends/family and feel relaxed and confident. I can't even tell you guys the last time I was able to do these things. I still hang out with friends and with my family but it just doesn't feel the same anymore. Nothing feels right, whenever I'm around anybody I get the feeling that they know how depressed/anxious I am. That they know how vulnerable and how absolutely out there I am starting to become.
I always find myself comparing myself to others a lot as well. Yesterday which was Fathers Day and also my birthday, we had some of my family over to celebrate. Me my fathrer and my aunt were talking about
her brother and law and how he is a really smart guy with computers and how he is just totally "socially inept" as they called it. How he's on all these medicines and is just a very out there and strange person. I hate judging people in that way, I guess partly because I feel like I am damaged goods too. I feel like that's my future, like I'm just going to continue to lose pieces of myself/personality until there's nothing left and until I just don't care about
anything. At times I feel this way, I get so frustrated thinking of things that I used to enjoy doing that I no longer even think about
. I just lie in bed and watch TV and don't want to do a darn thing, anytime I try and actively do someting it feels so foreign and fake and dreamlike that I just wind up avoiding the situation and head back home to wait for this retarded stupid feeling to pass, which it never does.
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 6/21/2011 5:55:08 AM (GMT-6)