Very Hurt, very lonely

Is this the right way
0
Two months no contact - 0.0%
0
Three months no contact - 0.0%
1
What other method if not this one - 100.0%

 
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pm60
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 6/21/2011 4:44 AM (GMT -6)   
I have just joined and liked what I see and just hope that some one out there can help me, even words of encouragement. My partner and I are not married but met when I employed her, she was a real trouble maker !! She ended up living with me Jan 2000 and we were so good for each other. She is now 52 and I am 59. She had left her husband of twenty years and for the first couple of years it took time and patience with one or two hick ups on the way. about eighteen months ago she started developing lower back pains that resulted in her waking up at 04:00am most mornings in tears, she also had head aches that would involve parracetamol being taken to combat the pain most mornings. When I said you must see a doctor I was often told to mind my own business as she said she was fine so don't worry. Finally, she did see a doctor. Hospitals, chiropractors and goodness knows who else, they found nothing. She had terrible mood swings and things were getting bad, there was a definite change in atmosphere. Jan 1st we were having a wonderful evening right through to 03:00am together with her sister, brother in law and mother. Jan 9th she woke up and I said that we had been together for eleven years and we should do more together this year. She then said that she wanted to move away!! No one else involved but she needed to go. My world as I knew it was crushed. I researched the menopause and really thought this was part of the problem and suggested it to her. She very quickly dismissed it as rubbish. She had news that she needed quite a big operation on the 19th May and she new about that some time ago and it was worrying her. She bought a very small one bedroom house ten minutes from here back in 2008 and rented it out, she said this was our investment. It would be available on April 29th and that would be the date of departure. Feb 13th the pressure was too much and suffered a stroke. She felt it was her fault and was racked with guilt but agreed to stay and help me recover, it was a minor stroke and should not take that long but she was still adamant she was still going. My life was hell, crying everyday with terrible depression. I would plead with her on a daily basis not to go, especially as I wasn't well. I would break down and beg her to give me another chance with tears and anxiety attacks. I did not give her a great year in 2010 as I thought we were invincible and more important, I could walk on water!! I wanted to propose to her on her 50th birthday but the mood wasn't right. I wanted the big show! it was all about me, I was very selfish all last year and put other people before her instead of always making her number one. Her sister in law did actually tell her that I wanted to propose so she knows how I feel. She said she would stay until the end of September to help me out but wasn't happy about it. Every day she would bring me my toast and tablets and I would hobble downstairs and make tea making sure I was smiling and appeared happy, as I didn't want to depress her unbeknown to me she was doing exactly the same. We were both acting in each others company. As soon as she would go to work I would search for clues as to what she was doing, see if anything was being packed and so on. I was paranoid and it was hell until she arrived back home from work when I would get another smile out the box and started acting until I went to bed and she went to her room. May the 12th we had a lovely day with a pub lunch and went home and hour by hour she was getting quieter and quieter. 4:00pm her sister and brother in law arrived, surprise for me but was planned by her. She couldn't break the news to me on her own and needed support so that is why they came. Tony sat there while the girls took the dog for a walk and he explained that every day she stayed while we were in the awful stage we were was killing any chance of getting things resolved. It was absolutely killing us so Tony said that in his opinion that with a bit of time space and patience I could swing this round and come out the other side stronger. Reluctantly I agreed and she moved out that night, returning the next day to collect some of the furniture and personal things. That was hard, and both her bother, sister and brother in law were in tears as they moved things out. Parting words from both her sister and brother in law were just give this some space and time. She had the operation and stayed with her sister for a month to help her recovery, then moving to her friend from works house living with her and her husband until she can move into her little house on 1st July. She is working limited hours and I promised that I would not contact her in any way. No texts, phone contact, emails or letters. She did however phone me ten days ago to see if she had mail.I was so taken back and yet so nervous to talk on the phone. She asked if she could pick up her mail on the Monday but wouldn't tell me what time, 08:15am! she came in and we talked for about five minutes, nothing about the past or future, just small talk then she went. I did text her just to tell her that what ever she needs from the house then please just take it if it helps her out. I trust her and would have no doubt she would be fair. I promised myself that I would maintain this distance for two months before I would ask if she could meet me after work just for a coffee, tiny steps at a time I thought. I have to tell you that the six weeks that have gone have felt like six months. I have cried every single day and just wish the days away. I have never in my life ever experienced pain like this and don't know how I have coped. Living on my own with contact by phone to my daughters almost every day who are very positive and encourage me to carry on what I am doing. This is MY theory and MY decision to handle it this way as I believe that if I were to text or phone every day or on a regular basis she is not getting that space. I hope I am doing the right thing. She has never lived on her own and so far over these six weeks had people around her 24 hours a day. Come the 1st of July she will be on her own in a house 70% smaller than what she is used to with no garden. I just hope and pray I am handling this the right way. I thought I would just leave it until she has settled in for a week before asking for that meeting, that all so important one that in any other circumstances would just be a simple chat and a coffee. For me it is the first step and to be honest if she says no then I don't know what I will do. Tears, anxiety attacks and pain. I love her with all my heart and don't want to lose her. AM I DOING THIS THE RIGHT WAY OR SHOULD I BE DOING SOMETHING DIFFERENT??? This has finished up like war and peace and so sorry for those who have endured reading this all the way through. For all those going through the same? I never understood why people said and felt these things until it happened to me. Thank you for listening. pm60

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 6/21/2011 7:29 AM (GMT -6)   
HI there and welcome to the HealingWell depression forum. This is a sad story, but yes, I think you are doing the right thing by giving her the space she needs to heal. I think you two will be back together one day. Let life take it's couse. You will be feeling better soon.

Take care, keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

CRANKY 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 617
   Posted 6/21/2011 7:53 AM (GMT -6)   
DEAREST PM60,
 
First let me welcome you to the board!  We are by no means relationship experts, but we will always give you the benefit of our personal experience.
 
As far as your very detailed situation appears, it kind of appears to me that your lady love has been "getting her ducks in a row" to exit your relationship for a while now.  You have to remember this isn't her first trip to the "break-up" rodeo, since you mentioned she had been married before for twenty years.  Anyone that goes through that kind of divorce is going to know exactly what she needs to get lined up for herself well before leaving a longterm relationship, so she doesn't end up on the curb with nothing for all those years. 
 
Step one was clearly purchasing the "investment" property a couple of years ago was a warning sign.  Renting it out until she wanted to or was prepared to leave the relationship was obviously something she learned from her divorce...have an exit strategy.  I'm sorry you feel the stress of her leaving contributed to your having your stroke.   However, it was an "inconvenience" to her plans for leaving on schedule, but at least she was decent enough to stay and take care of you for a while.  It's clear that her feelings for you have changed, since following HER operation, she would rather have her sister taking care of her instead of you.  That is step two.  The fact that you had separate bedrooms should have also given you a clue.  Letting her sister in on the proposal plans was foolhardy, especially if you didn't have your plans nailed down, as a sister could only keep that information to herself for so long.  You seemed to be more concerned about making a big show of the event than the sentiment and the commitment the proposal represented.  You also mentioned something about the timing not being just right...how many years did you have to find the right moment?  You made it all about YOU, what YOU wanted, when YOU wanted to do it, etc.... In fact, your entire post just screams "it's all about MEEEEEEE!!!!
Your poll about how long you should go before contacting your "lady love" is delusional, like if you pick the appropriate amount of time, she'll come running back into your arms.  To quote you, "This is MY theory and MY decision to handle it this way."  Yeah, that may be true, and I hate to say it, dude, but she's history.  Your statement about her new digs being 70% smaller and not having a garden is absurd, like those are supposed to be a negative things that make moving back in with you so much more attractive?  Good grief man, she's the one that bought the place herself, so she knows exactly what she's getting.
 
I really try to be sympathetic when it comes to people that are hurting, especially when it comes to affairs of the heart, but frankly, to use a football analogy...It's fourth and forty, time to punt.  You are out of time and yardage man... acknowledge your failures and move on.  She's not coming back.
 
Leigh Ann scool
•On Disability for: Chronic Migraines, serious Back and Knee problems (will need surgery eventually), moderate Depression, Anxiety/Panic disorder, TMJ, stomach problems
•Divorced, 45, spawn-free

"THE WEATHER IS HERE, I WISH YOU WERE BEAUTIFUL." -Jimmy Buffett

pm60
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 6/21/2011 9:06 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you for your kind words, it means a lot. 2008 and 2009 were wonderful years for us, and so happy. What I forgot to mention was the operation she was having was one that affects only women and therefor the last person she would have wanted to look after in that department would be a man, if you take my drift. Her problems started end of 2009. At the start of 2010 I had a really nasty virus that took all my energy out and made me, well, just not myself. So 2010 was an awful year that took it's toll in every sense of the word. She was very worried about this back problem and the operation that just dragged on and on until she got a date. The end of December unbeknown to me she had also found a lump! She is a very private lady and very proud so she didn't want to talk about these things with me as knowing the way she is there are certain personal things that remain private and she would only talk to her sister about it. Me? I didn't appreciate about how worried she must have been about these things. She was so worried that she even made a new will. Yes she should have talked about it with me and that is something I hope in the future we will have fix. Over the time I have had so much time to backtrack and the word "If" is such a powerful word. Trust is the be all and end all of relationships and it's something I have to rebuild. Her Sister and brother in law phone me to see how I am, she took all the pictures of us as a couple that were in frames in the living room and she even told my daughters that, yes she would love to stay in touch. The day after she went, I should rephrase that. The day after I drove her away she phoned my daughter to ask if I was ok? A mutual friend of ours got a call from her and she told our friend that during last year we were both not well and circumstances dictated that we both said and done things that we shouldn't have done and both regretted. I then asked our friend, in her opinion what were my chances? She paused and then replied, "Honestly"? "Good". So Its this waiting game! I told her brother in law that this wall of silence was not because I don't care, it's because I do. After the emotional hell she went through I realize that she really had no choice but to go when she did. She probably also thought that there is no way in hell that I could do this space thing without hounding her. So when I made this statement to both her sister and brother in law about it being because I do care and because I love her there reply was, "Believe me she knows and it is helping". All I have left is my dignity and hope. This is the ONLY way I know how and to be blunt the last chance coral but for me I am not prepared to see fourteen years wasted when it can be put right, and also believe it's worth fighting for. The only thing that keeps me going is positivity and believe in positive thoughts and people. God grant me this and the strength to do this as I am out to prove I am still the man she fell in love with. I dragged myself out of the after affects of a stroke and am now walking as normal with full use of my arm. This was sheer determination and positivity. I quickly realized that the crying, begging and breaking down does nothing but drive the one you love away. I also realized that she was almost being held as an emotional hostage, wrong!! I wish I would have been harder with my own emotions and let her go a lot earlier. As a friend of ours pointed out that I would have been a few months down the road on the right side. I was unwittingly trying to find any which way I could of keeping her here thinking I could sort it out with emotional blackmail. In any relationship breakdown their is always one person that needs to get the space and the other believes in the opposite. We acted like kids in front of people and with each other, always holding each others hand and telling each other every day that we loved each other. I would quite often turn to her and say, "K... did I tel you that I love you today?" She would reply, "I don't believe you did" I would then say, "You know K... I really really love you". We would sing to each other,! Like kids not a couple in there fifties. We were happy. I want it back. Her sister said to me "You know P... fourteen years of love just doesn't evaporate". Thank you again for listening. I had no idea I would get a reply, thank you it means a lot. pm60

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 6/21/2011 12:23 PM (GMT -6)   
Hang in there. What is the old saying??? If you love something, let it go. If it is yours, it will come back to you. If it doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be. Something like that.

I am glad that you are giving her the space that she needs to get better. You will be glad that you did. I hope that she feels better soon.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

CRANKY 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 617
   Posted 6/21/2011 12:54 PM (GMT -6)   
You know PM60,
The tone of your second message sounds ENTIRELY different from the first explanation of your situation.  However, in the second message, you seem to have left out all references to the discord and problems you mentioned in the first message.  It's obvious by your explanation that your ladyfriend does have honest and sincere feelings for you, unfortunately, you've now glossed over all the information that so strongly made your inevitable permanent breakup seem so plausable.
 
After re-reading both of your posts, I really do hope that you are not holding your breathe for your lady love to move back in with you.  I just don't think that's going to happen for all the reasons I stated in my first response to you.  In addition, you still seem to be oblivious to the fact that this woman gave you absolutely everything she had, and she still walked away as a single woman.  For all your protestations of undying love, you never did make an honest woman out of her, and this is a woman who already had one marriage of twenty years under her belt.  Obviously, she didn't take the subject lightly.  She gave her all to the relationship and hung in there as long as she felt she could.  You say she is a very private person, but if you did not provide enough of a nuturing environment where she felt like she could share the most intimate details regarding her medical condition, you have no one to blame but yourself.  Even though the details are now out in the open, the level of trust just isn't there.  Likewise, it doesn't change the fact that she went out, bought a house herself, and moved into it.  She may have taken the portraits of the two of you as momentos, but she left all the same.  When she had her surgery, you were not the person she felt she could trust her convalencense with, regardless of its nature. 
 
Basically Dude, she loved you open and honestly, and you couldn't get over youself long enough to put her needs and wants ahead of your own.  Now she's gone and you're standing there with your hands in your pockets wondering what happened.  She may still love you, but I seriously doubt you've got much of a chance to get her back.  She's had a really long time to think this whole thing out and put a plan into action.  I hope for your sake I'm wrong, but I really don't think I am.
 
Just an opinion(and yes, I'm a divorced female.)
Leigh Ann scool
•On Disability for: Chronic Migraines, serious Back and Knee problems (will need surgery eventually), moderate Depression, Anxiety/Panic disorder, TMJ, stomach problems
•Divorced, 45, spawn-free

"THE WEATHER IS HERE, I WISH YOU WERE BEAUTIFUL." -Jimmy Buffett

pm60
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 6/21/2011 12:54 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Karen,

I have no idea as to where you are but it just feels like you are round the corner here in the UK. A comfort, thank you.

Regards,

pm

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 6/21/2011 2:07 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you PM,

I always give people the benefit of a doubt. I am not saying whether or not she will come back to you, but my sister is going through a similar situation. And she still loves her boyfriend. So I understand the need for space and inner healing. Some people need to know that they can make it on their own before they go any farther with a relationship. So I am trying to see that side of it. I hope it works out to what you want. And for you to be happy. I am in US. Michigan.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

pm60
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 6/21/2011 2:15 PM (GMT -6)   
You know that is exactly my belief, she needs to do this.

Thanks,

PM

CRANKY 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 617
   Posted 6/21/2011 2:34 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey PM,
 
I read thru my post again, and I'm really sorry I sound so negative.  I should probably refrain from responding to "depression" posts when I'm trying to get rid of a migraine headache.  I don't know the dynamics of the relationship you have with your ladyfriend.  I can only listen to what you say, and try to give you my best guess as to what might be going on, based on what you say or don't say, how you say it, and what the information looks like to the casual observer. 
 
Even my observations are going to have a bias, based on what I've seen and experienced in my own life.  I do tend to jump in and voice an opinion on this kind of post, as I seem to have a pretty good knack for helping my friends, acquaintences...heck, even complete strangers, in the realm of relationship advice.  I've spent many a night talking my guy friends thru "chick logic" via Facebook Chat, some of which would swear by my guidance in the ways of the heart.
 
Most of my analysis does have some validity to it, somewhere along the line, but take it for what it is...just an opinion by someone that just wants to help out.
 
I really hope I didn't step on too many of your toes.  Please keep us up to date on how you are doing.  We do care.
Leigh Ann scool
•On Disability for: Chronic Migraines, serious Back and Knee problems (will need surgery eventually), moderate Depression, Anxiety/Panic disorder, TMJ, stomach problems
•Divorced, 45, spawn-free

"THE WEATHER IS HERE, I WISH YOU WERE BEAUTIFUL." -Jimmy Buffett
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