Very Hurt, very lonely

I have just joined and liked what I see and just hope that some one out there can help me, even words of encouragement. My partner and I are not married but met when I employed her, she was a real trouble maker !! She ended up living with me Jan 2000 and we were so good for each other. She is now 52 and I am 59. She had left her husband of twenty years and for the first couple of years it took time and patience with one or two hick ups on the way. about eighteen months ago she started developing lower back pains that resulted in her waking up at 04:00am most mornings in tears, she also had head aches that would involve parracetamol being taken to combat the pain most mornings. When I said you must see a doctor I was often told to mind my own business as she said she was fine so don't worry. Finally, she did see a doctor. Hospitals, chiropractors and goodness knows who else, they found nothing. She had terrible mood swings and things were getting bad, there was a definite change in atmosphere. Jan 1st we were having a wonderful evening right through to 03:00am together with her sister, brother in law and mother. Jan 9th she woke up and I said that we had been together for eleven years and we should do more together this year. She then said that she wanted to move away!! No one else involved but she needed to go. My world as I knew it was crushed. I researched the menopause and really thought this was part of the problem and suggested it to her. She very quickly dismissed it as rubbish. She had news that she needed quite a big operation on the 19th May and she new about that some time ago and it was worrying her. She bought a very small one bedroom house ten minutes from here back in 2008 and rented it out, she said this was our investment. It would be available on April 29th and that would be the date of departure. Feb 13th the pressure was too much and suffered a stroke. She felt it was her fault and was racked with guilt but agreed to stay and help me recover, it was a minor stroke and should not take that long but she was still adamant she was still going. My life was hell, crying everyday with terrible depression. I would plead with her on a daily basis not to go, especially as I wasn't well. I would break down and beg her to give me another chance with tears and anxiety attacks. I did not give her a great year in 2010 as I thought we were invincible and more important, I could walk on water!! I wanted to propose to her on her 50th birthday but the mood wasn't right. I wanted the big show! it was all about me, I was very selfish all last year and put other people before her instead of always making her number one. Her sister in law did actually tell her that I wanted to propose so she knows how I feel. She said she would stay until the end of September to help me out but wasn't happy about it. Every day she would bring me my toast and tablets and I would hobble downstairs and make tea making sure I was smiling and appeared happy, as I didn't want to depress her unbeknown to me she was doing exactly the same. We were both acting in each others company. As soon as she would go to work I would search for clues as to what she was doing, see if anything was being packed and so on. I was paranoid and it was hell until she arrived back home from work when I would get another smile out the box and started acting until I went to bed and she went to her room. May the 12th we had a lovely day with a pub lunch and went home and hour by hour she was getting quieter and quieter. 4:00pm her sister and brother in law arrived, surprise for me but was planned by her. She couldn't break the news to me on her own and needed support so that is why they came. Tony sat there while the girls took the dog for a walk and he explained that every day she stayed while we were in the awful stage we were was killing any chance of getting things resolved. It was absolutely killing us so Tony said that in his opinion that with a bit of time space and patience I could swing this round and come out the other side stronger. Reluctantly I agreed and she moved out that night, returning the next day to collect some of the furniture and personal things. That was hard, and both her bother, sister and brother in law were in tears as they moved things out. Parting words from both her sister and brother in law were just give this some space and time. She had the operation and stayed with her sister for a month to help her recovery, then moving to her friend from works house living with her and her husband until she can move into her little house on 1st July. She is working limited hours and I promised that I would not contact her in any way. No texts, phone contact, emails or letters. She did however phone me ten days ago to see if she had mail.I was so taken back and yet so nervous to talk on the phone. She asked if she could pick up her mail on the Monday but wouldn't tell me what time, 08:15am! she came in and we talked for about five minutes, nothing about the past or future, just small talk then she went. I did text her just to tell her that what ever she needs from the house then please just take it if it helps her out. I trust her and would have no doubt she would be fair. I promised myself that I would maintain this distance for two months before I would ask if she could meet me after work just for a coffee, tiny steps at a time I thought. I have to tell you that the six weeks that have gone have felt like six months. I have cried every single day and just wish the days away. I have never in my life ever experienced pain like this and don't know how I have coped. Living on my own with contact by phone to my daughters almost every day who are very positive and encourage me to carry on what I am doing. This is MY theory and MY decision to handle it this way as I believe that if I were to text or phone every day or on a regular basis she is not getting that space. I hope I am doing the right thing. She has never lived on her own and so far over these six weeks had people around her 24 hours a day. Come the 1st of July she will be on her own in a house 70% smaller than what she is used to with no garden. I just hope and pray I am handling this the right way. I thought I would just leave it until she has settled in for a week before asking for that meeting, that all so important one that in any other circumstances would just be a simple chat and a coffee. For me it is the first step and to be honest if she says no then I don't know what I will do. Tears, anxiety attacks and pain. I love her with all my heart and don't want to lose her. AM I DOING THIS THE RIGHT WAY OR SHOULD I BE DOING SOMETHING DIFFERENT??? This has finished up like war and peace and so sorry for those who have endured reading this all the way through. For all those going through the same? I never understood why people said and felt these things until it happened to me. Thank you for listening. pm60

DEAREST PM60,

First let me welcome you to the board!  We are by no means relationship experts, but we will always give you the benefit of our personal experience.

As far as your very detailed situation appears, it kind of appears to me that your lady love has been "getting her ducks in a row" to exit your relationship for a while now.  You have to remember this isn't her first trip to the "break-up" rodeo, since you mentioned she had been married before for twenty years.  Anyone that goes through that kind of divorce is going to know exactly what she needs to get lined up for herself well before leaving a longterm relationship, so she doesn't end up on the curb with nothing for all those years. 

Step one was clearly purchasing the "investment" property a couple of years ago was a warning sign.  Renting it out until she wanted to or was prepared to leave the relationship was obviously something she learned from her divorce...have an exit strategy.  I'm sorry you feel the stress of her leaving contributed to your having your stroke.   However, it was an "inconvenience" to her plans for leaving on schedule, but at least she was decent enough to stay and take care of you for a while.  It's clear that her feelings for you have changed, since following HER operation, she would rather have her sister taking care of her instead of you.  That is step two.  The fact that you had separate bedrooms should have also given you a clue.  Letting her sister in on the proposal plans was foolhardy, especially if you didn't have your plans nailed down, as a sister could only keep that information to herself for so long.  You seemed to be more concerned about making a big show of the event than the sentiment and the commitment the proposal represented.  You also mentioned something about the timing not being just right...how many years did you have to find the right moment?  You made it all about YOU, what YOU wanted, when YOU wanted to do it, etc.... In fact, your entire post just screams "it's all about MEEEEEEE!!!!

Your poll about how long you should go before contacting your "lady love" is delusional, like if you pick the appropriate amount of time, she'll come running back into your arms.  To quote you, "This is MY theory and MY decision to handle it this way."  Yeah, that may be true, and I hate to say it, dude, but she's history.  Your statement about her new digs being 70% smaller and not having a garden is absurd, like those are supposed to be a negative things that make moving back in with you so much more attractive?  Good grief man, she's the one that bought the place herself, so she knows exactly what she's getting.

I really try to be sympathetic when it comes to people that are hurting, especially when it comes to affairs of the heart, but frankly, to use a football analogy...It's fourth and forty, time to punt.  You are out of time and yardage man... acknowledge your failures and move on.  She's not coming back.

Leigh Ann

Hang in there. What is the old saying??? If you love something, let it go. If it is yours, it will come back to you. If it doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be. Something like that.

I am glad that you are giving her the space that she needs to get better. You will be glad that you did. I hope that she feels better soon.

Hugs, Karen

Thanks Karen,

I have no idea as to where you are but it just feels like you are round the corner here in the UK. A comfort, thank you.

Regards,

pm

You know that is exactly my belief, she needs to do this.

Thanks,

PM