DEPRESSION LEADS TO MAKING A REVERSE BUCKET LIST

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CRANKY 1
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Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 617
   Posted 6/21/2011 5:15 AM (GMT -6)   
I hear about people who make "bucket lists"...all the things they want to do before they die.  Last year, they made a movie about the subject staring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman.  That really got me thinking, but with all my chronic health problems, it's kind of hitting me from a different perspective.  Over the last several months, it's really begun to occur to me all the things that I'm never going to do or have happen during my lifetime. 
 
Being divorced with no children, that rules out all the family-related milestones that would normally come up.  I only have one younger sister, who I'm not very close to as she lives several states away, and she is an "old maid" as well.  Our parents are in their late 70s, and while they are currently in good health, only God knows how long that will last.  I am on permanent disability, due to health problems that will only get worse over time, so my longterm prognosis isn't good.  I moved back to my hometown after I got divorced.  I currently live in a rented two bedroom apartment with my three cats, a long way from the four bedroom house I used to own when I was married.  My government disability check doesn't come close to covering all my monthly expenses, so I have to depend on my parents to suppliment my income.  This really puts me back more in the position of being my parents' child than an independent adult.  With my current health situation, I don't really see any way to get more autonomy over my financial status...and that's really starting to way heavily on my psyche.
 
Yes, right now I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and decent healthcare, all of which I know I should be, and am, truly greatful.  However, I have to watch every plugged nickel that passes through my hands.  I have to answer to my parents about money expenditures all the time, and there's never anything extra for any descretionary expenditures.  That's what's really dragging down my mood, realizing how far I've fallen down the food chain from where I used to be.  I'm 46 years old, and I'm more my parents' child than an autonomous adult.  I live by myself, with virtually no life, and I can go literally for days without talking to another human being if I don't make the effort to call someone or go out somewhere.  My parents have their own lives, like they did before I moved back to my hometown.
 
I think about the way I was raised, and the lifestyle that I had when I was married and working fulltime.  I think of all the things that I planned to do that won't happen, or that I used to be able to do that I won't ever be able to do again.  That's where the "Reverse Bucket List" comes into play.  I  start thinking about all the things that I'll never be able to do in my lifetime.  Granted, a "Bucket List" is supposed to be big, milestone kind of things like skydiving, buying a fur coat, learning how to scuba dive, seeing the great pyramids, or visiting Paris in the springtime...the penultimate things that you want to accomplish before you die. 
 
My "Anti-Bucket List" isn't even anywhere close to those kind extravagances.  I'll probably never get married again, or even find someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with me.  I'll never have children or grandchildren, or any extended family to spend my life with or leave my belongings.  I'll probably never have anyone to throw me a birthday party.  I'll probably never get flowers delivered to me from a florist.  I'll probably never have an occasion to use my wedding china.  I'll probably never own another house before I die.  I'll never have enough space to decorate for Christmas using all my ornaments and displays and have an open house for my friends.  I'll probably never own a new car.  I'll never get to actually plan and go on a vacation...anywhere(and definitely not use a travel agent).  I'll never need to get a new passport.  I'll never go to Disneyworld.  I'll probably never shop for a major appliance or piece of furniture in a regular department store.  I'll never shop normally at regular retail department store like Macy's, Bloomingdales, or Sears, much less have credit cards for those stores.  I'll never attend a NASCAR race in person.  I'll never attend a Bruce Springsteen or Elton John concert.   I'll never see a show in a theatre on Broadway.... 
 
My "Anti-Bucket" list varies from the highly significant to the "always wished for" kind of thing.  There are a bunch of other things on there but I think I listed a fair representation of what I mean.  Just looking over it makes me really sad, whereas a real "Bucket List" should be full of joy and anticipation.  I'm sure my "friends" would be shocked to see my list, but then my "friends" are just really people that I know and run into when I'm out and about...aquaintances.  True "friends" involve you in their lives and activities, they keep in touch with you.  I see lots of people with relationships like that, just none of them include me on the same level.  I get so tired of reaching out myself and getting nothing in return.  I guess that's why my "Bucket List" seems to have a hole in it.
 
Leigh Ann  scool     
•On Disability for: Chronic Migraines, serious Back and Knee problems (will need surgery eventually), moderate Depression, Anxiety/Panic disorder, TMJ, stomach problems
•Divorced, 45, spawn-free

"THE WEATHER IS HERE, I WISH YOU WERE BEAUTIFUL." -Jimmy Buffett

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 6/21/2011 7:10 AM (GMT -6)   
Leigh Ann,

I think you need to change these negatives. Make your bucket list with things that you feel you can do. Not the things that you can't do. Seeing you post this makes me very sad. I am sorry that you are feeling this way. But try to get the negativity out of your mind.

I hope that you feel better soon.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

CRANKY 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 617
   Posted 6/21/2011 8:19 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Karen,
 
I really appreciate all the support.  Funny thing is,  I'm looking at the "Anti-Bucket List" as more of a realistic thing, not so much as a negative thing.  I know I'm plugging along as well as can be expected under the circumstances.  I do a lot of charity work through my local Parrot Head Club, so I see lots of people who have it far worse than I do.   Last weekend I did the Cancer Society's Relay for Life for 20 hours, then followed it up with a whole day of working the telephones and doing TV interviews for the Childrens Miracle Network.  I guess I wish I'd just end up on the receiving end of some good Karma for a change. 
 
It's just kind of lonely when I come home and only have my cats to talk to.  Well, one is bi-polar, so that's a real hoot a good amount of the time ;-)
 
Leigh Ann scool
•On Disability for: Chronic Migraines, serious Back and Knee problems (will need surgery eventually), moderate Depression, Anxiety/Panic disorder, TMJ, stomach problems
•Divorced, 45, spawn-free

"THE WEATHER IS HERE, I WISH YOU WERE BEAUTIFUL." -Jimmy Buffett

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 6/21/2011 8:31 AM (GMT -6)   
Leigh Ann,

I think it is great that you donate time. And I do feel that what comes around goes around and good things will come to you. But it isn't always when we expect it to be. You are a good person. That means a lot.

I got kick out of what you said about your cats. Is one really bipolar? My mom had the meanest cat I ever saw. It was red of course. they seem to have tempers sometimes, you know, redheads??? Well, this cat would run up to you, grab your leg, be clawing and biting and kicking all at the same time. That was a messed up cat. No warning, nothing, just attack!!! lol...

I really hope that things turn around for you and that you have some good things happen. Keep us posted.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 6/22/2011 12:21 AM (GMT -6)   
sending healing compassionate thoughts to you leigh ann. jamie.

thank you for sharing.
SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

Daisysmom
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 168
   Posted 6/22/2011 10:42 AM (GMT -6)   
Cranky,

I've had some of the same thoughts. I've never had kids and I wonder who would take care of me if my partner wasn't around and I got really sick. And my health isn't what it used to be, so I anticipate there are some things I might not get to do, that I was hoping I would still be able to do in my so-called golden years.

Having said that, I thought the movie The Bucket List was pretty unrealistic. My brother and other people I know who've suffered from cancer (and later died) sure didn't have the vitality and the money to suddenly go out on little adventures. Terminal cancer has a tendency to leave you weak and unemployed. But that's Hollywood for you.

I am in a period of wondering what are realistic expectations from here on out (at age 48). I guess you are too. Good luck. Maybe you can think of some small things you've always wanted to check out, but never did, like a nature preserve, a museum, a free concert series or a unique diner. I tried to do stuff like that on my recent vacation rather than dwell on the fact that I wasn't well enough to go on the adventure vacation I would have done in years past.

Glad you are at least trying to be involved in the community in some way.
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