This is my first time posting. I am 21 years old, a stay at home mom and have dealt with mental problems my whole life as in being obsessive complusive and suffering from moderate depression. My family life growing up was never that great. As a 12 year old I would be so nervous and feel so much as if I didnt belong that I would wash my hands so much that the skin eventually was raw. Washing my hands back then was my nervous habit. Well I kicked the OCD for a while in my teen years when I moved in with my grandmother and was happy as a lark other than occasionally missing my mother and wondering why she didnt really want me.
Well anyway I grew up happy with a ton of friends(in my highschool years). Life was great! Then I stumbled into a pill addiction, that was a mess got over that. I was ready to go to college then I met Mark. He had just finished technical school and was the nicest guy I have ever had the pleasure of dating. We were together for about 6 months andf it was great then I found out we were pregnant he did the best thing he could and supported me (which was amazing because I had never actually had total support before.) We started renting a home and my pregnancy was great. He was great! His family is amazing which made it that much easier. Well then it was time and she came. Mark was so loving all through the labor and didnt leave my side. Well we brought her home for the very first time and I started feeling the most awful feeling that I had ever felt in my life. I had developed what they called baby blues. I was terrified that someone was going to accidentally hurt my baby well this went on for a week or so and I cried constantly. I couldnt produce milk anymore because I couldnt eat AT ALL. This led to me really enjoying when It was time for me to take my pain meds which seemed to be the only thing that made me feel happy for months. This led to my 2nd drug abuse problem and I wasnet even aware that I was abusing them for a while. Well. Long story short I struggled with that terribly. Mark stood by me. We had the doctors wean me off of the medicine but It was still horrible.
I am now 2 years after that depressed and noticing my ocd coming back.I really dont know what to do. My husband works 7 days a week. I stay at home everyday with my beautiful amazing daughter. but somehow I feel traped. I never got to start college(this fall will be my first semester). I never get to spend quality time with my husband. I feel completely undeserving of his love. so I shun him. I get mad at him for no reason I feel that he thinks im inferior becase Im a stay at home mom. these feelings have somehow led to other problems that I have never had before like - I no longer eat meat because I feel guilty about it when I do. I also have severe anxiety of storms. Last year I loved storms. I know this all sounds crazy but I just need to tell someone because I seriously have NOONE i can talk to . When I try to talk to my husband about anything i feel guilty because I feel like im stressing him out. when I try to talk to my mom she makes fun of me.
The reason I posted is because I really need to know how to cope and what I can do to be happy again. If you read this. I want to think you so much for your time as I have no one to tell it to.