Your font colors just changed on you? Ha ha.. A little Twilight Zone music please.. Do-do, do-do.... haha..
Not sure of your age but, think I have a decade or two on you and, that gives me a bit more hind-sight. (If I can see around my rump.. ! haha)
You made me laugh when you said you had to print things because of your memory. I think my area around my computer is wallpapered with yellow sticky notes.. !
Each of us have the IBD but, for all of us, there may be a different twist on some symptoms, mental state, finances, family etc.
Don't forcast yourself in the roll of being dad from the bed. That of course, was just an example to relate the thought that, no matter how sick we are, we are still of value.
Generally speaking, chronic, incurable disease automatically brings depression. It means a change or loss in our lives that creates the grieving process, as if losing someone we love. The difference is, this is life long and has no closure. There is a saying, "Time heals all wounds." Well for the most part, that is true Except, when the wound is new each morning.
Getting the picture of why we are depressed? I know we are supposed to "not dig our own hole deeper," but, the difficulty in being able to do that is, we are In the hole and the only tool we have is a Shovel. What else can we do???
When we are "down," we don't Feel like looking for help. That's another point of this: it creates its own visious cycle.
We need help to find help. Make sense? So, discuss with your wife, brother, sister, parents.. someone.. the idea of them looking for you then, helping you get to the appointments.
I know you don't like doctors. You're a man, aren't you? Comes with the territory. But, with good counseling, there will come the tools to co-exist with this disease and get that song out of your head.
You sound like a very strong, responsible, take control, take action kind of man. Well, in this situation, that can be a deficit. Strong personalities tend to identify their worth with their ability to provide support to others, whether it is financial, mental, physical or emotional. It takes some work for us to re-train our thought/identity processes.
So, maybe you can print off a couple of things from this post:
I am alive therefore I am valuable.
And the other thing would be to print the whole post and just hand it to someone you know will pick up the phone and get an appointment for you with someone to talk with.
A 100 mile journey is accomplished one footstep at a time. Get your tennies on.. ! :)