Boyfriend (ex?) not in contact

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eneli
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Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 6/22/2011 3:02 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi -
I am new to this web site and have read through a few threads and find you all to be understanding and helpful. I don't know what to do, if anything, in the following situation.
 
My boyfriend (maybe ex) of nearly 4 years and I had a blow up about 10 days ago. We do not live together but I had been staying at his place 3 - 5 nights/week. I had asked him a couple of times over the past few weeks if he thought he was depressed. He always answered, "I don't know." My therapist and others said that means "yes." Anyway, I had done a fair amount of research regarding how to bring the topic up and to encourage him to get some help to feel better. I even called his doctor who told me that i would probably need an intervention counselor due to the drinking and sleeping pill usage. My boyfriend is having trouble with his business and adult children. When I would ask him if he enjoys anything at all, he would only say that he enjoys me. However, since April he has pushed me away and away, neglecting and ignoring me consistently. Everything I read said that the depressed person pushes away the ones they love and to hang in there .....
 
Well, here is the scene. We normally spend the entire weekend together at his house. On Sunday, ten days ago, I approached him about how he was pushing me away and what I felt like. He basically indicated that he didn't want to talk and he wanted me to leave his house. Due to what I read about not abandoning the depressed person, I stayed at his home in a different room and watched a movie. He asked me a couple of times when I was going to leave and I said after the movie.
 
Before I left I told him, "disrespect, disdain and neglect have no place in a loving adult committed relationship. There are rough patches for sure, but those are met with understanding, grace and mercy. I will come back on Tuesday at 8 PM to talk about this."
 
He roared some terrible accusations at me, blaming me for many things and said that I was not welcome to come back on Tuesday and that I would come back if he invited me.
 
I asked, "I am not welcome here? Okay, then, I will just get my things now." So I calmly walked through the house and got my toiletries and a few items that I have at his place and left.
 
I know that the most important thing now is to take care of myself and I have felt strong. I have said to myself that I can't stand by and watch someone deteriorate without taking care of themself. However, I have a niggling doubt that I should contact him and open the door to communication.
 
What would I need to do for myself before doing that?

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 6/22/2011 3:42 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Eneli,

First of all, welcome to the HealingWell depression forum.

Make sure that you are strong enough to handle this. It sounds like he is rebelling in a way. He is angry for some reason. The depression I guess. I would talk to your counselor about how to approach this. I know you don't want to push him away. It is a really hard call. Will he talk it over with you? I would encourage him to get some help. It sounds like he really needs it.

You sound good. I am happy for that. You seem to understand what he is going through and why he reacts the way he does. It is hard when our SO is suffering from depression. We often feel helpless as to what to do. Especially when they are pulling away from us.

Best wishes to you. Hopefully others will give some advice too.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

stkitt
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Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/22/2011 3:42 PM (GMT -6)   
Welcome to HeaingWell,
 
I admire the manner in which you have dealt with your boyfriend and his multiple problems while knowing this is very sad for you.
 
Make yourself a promise that you are  going to take good care of yourself and be okay no matter what happens in your relationship.
 
That is the best advice I can offer you and I know you will make it through this tough time in your life.
 
You obvioulsy have a heart of gold wanting to reach out to your boyfriend and help him.  He may not be receptive but you are trying and that is what counts in being a friend.
 
Keep on talking with us here in the forum.
 
Kindly,
Kitt
 
 
 
 
~~Kitt~~
Moderator: Anxiety/Panic, Osteoarthritis, GERD/Heartburn and Heart/Cardiovascular Disease.
www.healingwell.com

"If you can't change the world, change your world"

eneli
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 6/22/2011 4:21 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you for the welcome. I really don't know if he sees me as his girlfriend at this time, quite honestly. I left. I took my things. I have not called. He has not called me.

Before this, we talked every morning and every night, even when I spent the night.

His mother called me and asked about our plans for some family events in July. His best friend emailed me about doing something on July 4th. This indicates to me that he has not broadcast the situation that we are no longer together. I, on the other hand, have told my family and friends that we are not. I am now doubting myself.

We have never had a break in nearly four years of our relationship, so that is why this feels differently. I do have a meeting with my therapist next week and have talked to her this past Monday. She thinks the ball is in his court.

I feel like I should wait for him to reach out to me, but I wonder if that is my pride talking. I guess that I don't have to make a decision right now. I'm a bit confused as to whether to reach out or to stay put. Any additional thoughts?

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 6/22/2011 7:09 PM (GMT -6)   
I agree, the ball is in his court. I would stay put for now and see what he does. That is just my opinion. I think that you have done the best thing you could. And I don't blame you one bit. I would let him make the next move.

I hope that this helps.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

eneli
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 6/22/2011 9:12 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks for the hugs. Yes, it helps a lot. I am also very busy / distracted at work right now. I have some really great projects and a trip of a lifetime planned with my adult children for two weeks in July.

Also, I feel like it is his story to tell regarding his family. Today was the first day that I really was sort of sad and then I'm not. I think the relationship taught me quite a bit regarding where his issues end and mine begin .... oddly enough, his issues have nothing to do with me. ... tee hee ....

Anywho, I hope that he does go to his doctor, if he hasn't already and that he is on his way to feeling better.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 6/23/2011 7:37 AM (GMT -6)   
Staying busy is good. Keep doing your thing. Things will fall into place. Yes, these are learning experiences. You are doing good. And you are right, they are his issues. You are dealing with yours. Good thing....

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

eneli
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 6/24/2011 9:58 PM (GMT -6)   
I spoke with my ex's son yesterday. He was glad to hear from me and said that his dad told his sister about the breakup. He (exBF) said that he had lost interest in everything, had treated me badly and we split up. He has also been to the doctor in the last couple of days to get some medicine, so I hope he will begin to feel better. He has been on welbutrin from time to time, so maybe that or something else will work for him.

For some reason it made me feel better that he acknowledged that he treated me badly to his daughter. I know his kids were amazed that he said that AND that he told them he went to the doctor to get some medicine. For as long as I have known him, he has never apologized or expressed regret. He has been a very blaming person. The idea that he acknowledged his poor treatment of me finally turned on the tears that have been waiting inside and I sobbed, "he treated me badly" over and over. I don't know why that is cathartic, but it is.

I do hope that he also receives some counseling. I know that I am. I think he would benefit immensely from it. The ball is in his court regarding contacting me and I would welcome it, but I won't initiate it unless a few months go by and i need to return a bike that I have at my house. Next Friday would have been our 4th anniversary. *sigh*

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 6/25/2011 6:56 AM (GMT -6)   
Eneli,

Thing will work out for what is best. Yes, the ball is in his court. He may even contact you. But take it slow. Does he stay up to date with anniversaries? Some guys don't. Maybe he will remember and want to talk or something. You never know. Don't get your hopes up, it was just a suggestion. But like I say, you never know.

I sure do hope that you feel better soon.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

eneli
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 6/28/2011 11:57 PM (GMT -6)   
Why is the ball in his court? I wrote out my feelings and am glad that I did. I didn't send what I wrote to him.
It's sad to me that we are in this situation.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 6/29/2011 10:00 AM (GMT -6)   
Let him know how you feel if you are comfortable with that. If he doesn't know, then what can he do?

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

eneli
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 6/30/2011 9:58 AM (GMT -6)   
Well, I sent him a long email last night expressing my feelings both good and bad. I expressed that I did not like  how we had parted, that I was angry about some of the things that he said. I apologized for my role. I expressed pain with the thought that we would never see each other again. I told him some of the things that I loved about our times together. I said that it hurts that we haven't talked or seen each other. I asked for a discussion or a meeting.
 
I have been alternately on pins and needles and feeling fine. I think overall that I am fine for sending the email. For instance, we weren't in contact before, if we aren't after .... no difference. If he is a man that cannot respond to my true feelings, is he the right man for me? I know that I will be okay.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 6/30/2011 10:09 AM (GMT -6)   
Very brave of you. And I am happy you sent the email. I know things will work out for the best. I am glad that your last sentence is "I know that I will be okay."... That makes me feel better. You are showing confidence in yourself.

You will be okay, and I hope he responds to your email.


Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

eneli
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 7/1/2011 11:50 AM (GMT -6)   

He did respond in a very big way .... for him ..... He acknowledged that his behavior led to the actions of "how things played out." (e.g. the breakup) He apologized that it made me feel sad. He said that he was seeking outside help for emotional and physical matters, and that those actions are very difficult for him. He tried to explain how he felt cornered. He also said that he wasn't mad at me.

When I say a big way for him, I am alluding to omission of anything that reassures me, which I really do not think he is capable of now .... or maybe ever. This is who he is.

I am processing. I will not rescue him and I will keep working on myself. I would like to be supportive, but until I can do that purely, I think it would be best to move forward without him. I am undecided if I need to communicate anything else to him in response.


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 7/1/2011 11:57 AM (GMT -6)   
I am glad that he is trying to help himself and that you are working on yourself. I guess you should just wait and see how you feel about responding to his email. Maybe sleep on it and see how you feel.

I am very proud of you for sticking to working on you. That is very brave and sometimes hard. But you sound good and I think you will be feeling better soon.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

eneli
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 7/5/2011 3:11 PM (GMT -6)   
I did not reply to his email, but he sent another the following day on July 1, acknowledging our 4th year anniversary. He said that it is the best relationship that he has ever been in and thanked me for that. However, no word of getting together or how he is progressing.
 
I ended up calling him last night and he was not all that conversent. However, i didn't think that he was drunk or had taken a sleeping pill, so that is good. I am leaving on Thursday for two plus weeks out of the country. I still hope that our relationship has a chance. I do hope he is feeling better.
 
I suppose a couple of weeks on meds is when things would start to kick in and the fog would lift.  

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 7/5/2011 4:47 PM (GMT -6)   
A person on antidepressant meds may start to feel better after a couple of weeks, but they don't reach their full effect for six to eight weeks. As for the fog, I don't know.

It is cool that you are going somewhere out of the country. I hope that it is a trip for pleasure. And I am sure that he will be feeling better when you get back. I hope so anyway.

I think that the best thing you can do is continue working on you and getting stronger and better. Taking this trip is going to be good for you. Do keep in touch and let us know how everything went. Or goes.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

eneli
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 7/6/2011 2:07 PM (GMT -6)   
I am pretty sad to day about the potential of this relationship being possibly lost. So, I am grieving. I am starting to realize that this would be many years of struggles. I would be willing to stick by him IF he has a plan and is looking for personal growth, which can come in many forms. I hope that doesn't make my love conditional. I just couldn't be commited to someone that wouldn't seek to solve problems and look for answers. So sad ... cry

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 7/6/2011 3:06 PM (GMT -6)   
That is totally understandable eneli,

We all have to try and make ourselves get better. First we have to admit that there is a problem and that is hard for some of us. I totally understand your viewpoint on this. And it is clear that you still love him. But you want him to try to get better. I hope that he does.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

eneli
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 7/6/2011 9:52 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you, Karen, for responding to my posts. I can tell that you take your moderating duties to heart and help a lot of people on this forum. It's nice to have someone that responds to my wildly ranging emotions ... well not that wild .... sad, resigned, .... I think for my personal growth right now I am concentrating on not being a rescuer (or enabler). I so want to reach out, but I know that I must break this pattern in myself, as well. To make it easy on him does not send a good message and is the opposite of support. However, this has been my past behavior and inclination. When I think this way, I gain strength. When I think HOW I could rescue him, I lose strength. This is good to notice. The thing is rescuing is done from a position of wanting to get something ... e.g. he'll be so grateful that I am still around, he will fill-in-the-blank-with-something-rewarding-for-me. That is helping with strings attached. This rescuing is a long-term pattern for me, so breaking it won't come in one fell swoop. It will take concentrated effort to change though patterns.... not an easy task, but one worth it for personal growth. That's my philosophical moment for the night.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 7/7/2011 7:27 AM (GMT -6)   
Your philosophical moment is right. You are doing the best thing by working on you. And seeing things for what they really are. I am really proud of you. You sound like a psychologist right now. I know it wont be easy breaking old patterns. But you see the difference and that is a good start. Know we are right here behind you in your journey to wellness. I am really happy for you. Yest it would be tempting to rescue him. Pointing him in the right direction would be okay I guess. But he has to do the work.

Keep strong.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

eneli
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 7/27/2011 2:04 PM (GMT -6)   

I am back from my fabulous vacation. My exBF and I were in contact a few times by email while I was away. We have also had one phone conversation. I have had ups and downs. I do know that I am not interested in being friends or boyfriend/girlfriend with this man. I am only interested in marriage after four years. However, I do not want to be engaged or married to anyone that isn't interested in the health of the relationship or their own personal growth. I haven't heard anything from him at this point to indicate that either of these things are of interest to him.

He is focused on getting his daughter into a treatment facility today. What is of concern to me is his comments that HE will get a lift "Once she is taken care of" .... I have exactly zero experience with addiction, but it seems to me that intervention is only the beginning. Perhaps the focus of the treatment, though, does provide relief. It just seems like me to be another way to keep yourself out of the focus. It seems that "fixing" his daughter is now the attempt to feel better, but that is just based on a few emails and one long phone conversation.

He asked me in an email last night to express my concern about his daughter's well-being and that it would help him, even though I physically can't do anything.

"It would really help to say that you care for her well being.  You may not be able to physically help her but it would help me."

I wrote back how much I care for her and have over the years and thought of her, while we were together, as a future step-daughter. Meanwhile, I just keep saying to myself that this family is so messed up that I don't want to have much more to do with it. I am getting over the idea that this would be abandoning behavior on my part. I fear that losing empathy for them will harden my heart, but I don't know how best to proceed.

Any thoughts out there?


getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
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   Posted 7/27/2011 3:28 PM (GMT -6)   
I would seriously try to take this one day at a time. His focus on his daughter right now might be the best thing for him at this time. Hopefully then he will focus on himself. I think it is hard when our children are suffering. We feel helpless. But take it one day at a time and see what happens next. See if he starts working on his own problems.

I think that there is disfunction in a lot of families these days. Some is pretty bad, but you will be making your own family with him in the future (I hope) and you will have control over how it works out. I am sure that it will be a good family. Filled with love and understanding.

Take it slow. See what happens after he deals with his daughter. Maybe he can only focus on one thing at a time. We always seem to put ourselves last.

Have faith.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

eneli
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 8/2/2011 10:02 PM (GMT -6)   
I am still taking things day by day and really not feeling any anxiety about this. Here is the update to his daughter. She went to a 28-day private treatment facility that is renowned for its care and program. It has an 18-month follow-up outpatient program, too. That was last Wednesday. My exBF called me that night and was so open and talked for 90-minutes straight about what he had been through. The sense of relief was palpable. He also also asked to see me to hear about my vacation and to see my pictures. I am still angry at him. I am angry about how he has treated me and how he ignored me and shut me out. So, I did not respond to his request except to say that I could send a link to my pictures online.

I went out of town on Friday. On Saturday I read an email that he had sent me the night before saying that his daughter was missing, not at the treatment facility, with no phone or car and to call him if she was in contact with me. By the time I read this email, she was found.

Sunday, he sent me an email saying, in part, "The counselor said that family/friends are relatively powerless. He suggested that I find ways to manage my desire to make it right and to take care of myself. Not sure what exactly that entails but I think I do. There has been a heavy drain on me the past few weeks."

He then asked to see my pictures again (I never sent him the link) and hear about my adventure.

I plan on seeing him on Saturday evening for the first time since I left his place on June 12. I am not nervous right now. However, I am trying to keep my expectations in check. I feel that he will want to get back together .... and he probably does just want to see my pix and hear about my trip. I want to talk about what I need in a relationship. I do not want to be in a relationship that is the same as it was. I have never gotten back together with anyone that I broke up with. never .....

My questions are:

1) Can someone leave a treatment facility and simply be missing? Doesn't the staff keep track of people? Even if it is a voluntary thing?

2) I want to do what is best for me and that may be to permanently move on from this relationship. However, I have a bit of hope that he will want to do some work on himself and thus the relationship. Is the best way to assess this to be light and breezy and ease back into a camaraderie or to seriously address the issues head-on? I feel that it is the latter. I think being myself, vulnerable and open, will be the best. That makes me feel a bit serious.

3) While I realize that he is probably not in the best mental state, maybe I should cancel until I hear him say concretely that he wants to talk about the relationship. That is my only interest in him and getting together. Do I need to let him know this ahead or time or just go over under the guise of presenting a travel-logue......

Thanks for reading along.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 8/3/2011 5:48 AM (GMT -6)   
I think if you check yourself into a facility, you can leave whenever you want. It is hard to say with this, but I don't know if she could just suddenly go missing. I am not so sure about this. Maybe others who know more will chime in.

I would talk to him and see what it is he wants to discuss. You can always focus it on him and what he needs to get better.

He seems to be interested in your vacation, so I would share with him. Just see how it goes. You don't have to commit to anything if you don't want to. Maybe make a list of things that you want to discuss.

I really hope that this works out for you, It is so obvious that you care about him. I know I am not much help, I kind of just got up. But I will try to comment more later.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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