Depressed Boyfriend

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ct1234
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 6/22/2011 3:18 PM (GMT -6)   
This is a bit of a long story but here goes;

I am 27 and my boyfriend is 29, and we've been together just over for years.
He has been suffering with untreated depression for a number of years. It has been manageable and he has tried to hide it. We lived together for 3 years then he has been abroad for a year studying. I found out in April that he had been spending time with another girl and they had been sending 'inappropriate' emails to each other.
He said that he was in a very dark place at the time and this girl came along who was energetic, successful and fancied him.. he seemed to cling on to her and enjoy her company and he said that she brought him out of a very dark place. Even after I found all of this out, he still went back to her to say Goodbye and give her a present to say thank you. We have spoken about things a lot and he has been telling me the full scale of what he thinks she meant to him. He won't delete her from facebook, or delete any of the pictures he had. He said that he wanted me to have more of her qualities (confidence etc) He said recently he wanted to call our first daughter after her which has just sent me over the edge. He went on to describe all the great qualities she had.
I was trying to hide my own unhappiness for him because I knew he always felt worse. I wasn't happy here by myself but I didn't tell him this.

I feel like I have spent 4 years supporting him, looking after him and it was all thrown back in my face with what he did and how he continues to say how he feels.

We have argued about it all recently and he keeps getting angry with me and telling me I don't know what I'm doing to him with keep bringing it up. But I'm devestated by the whole thing. I feel like he has got everything completely out of perspective, even though he says he still wants to marry me and be with me, he maintains that she meant a huge amount to him. I feel second best and not good enough. It has sent me into my own unhappiness and I am not able to think straight. I want him to fight for me but he has shown he can't.

I don't know what to do, whether to walk away and let him get better by himself, because I feel like I'm poison for him now.. and he can't help me feel better about anything myself.

Any advice would be appreciated.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 6/22/2011 3:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi ct,

Welcome to the depression forum. I highly recommend you go to counseling and get your self esteem back. Clearly it is you he loves. Try not to compare yourself to her. And try not to think about it either. I don't know if he had an afair or if they were just friends, but if he had anything to hide, he wouldn't have told you about her.

I really think with counseling, you would feel better about yourself and be able to see this with the objective eye instead of an insecure person. I really think he loves you. This woman must have really helped him through a rough time. It probably made him love you more.

If he is comparing you to her, that isn't fair. That is why I suggest counseling. I think it would help you through this. It would also help you see it from a different point of view.

I guess I need a little more information to give you advice. If you think he is in love with her instead, then I would take a break from the relationship and see what happens. But I think he loves you.

Tell us a little more. And you are not poison. And yes, only you can make yourself feel better. Keep your chin up. I don't think it is as bad as you think it is. He isn't hiding it. But I am not in your shoes, so I don't know.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

ct1234
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 6/22/2011 4:07 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi,
Thank you for taking the time to write a reply, it means a great deal. I accept I need to see a doctor as well, its just really torn me apart. I will make an appointment. I have already made him an appointment for when he is back in a couple of weeks - he realises he needs help too.

He was never going to tell me about the girl, I found out about it. He maintains that I should never have found out and it would have gone away more easily. He blames me for the extent this has now had an affect.

It has completely destroyed my trust in him because there were so many lies, and he continued to lie when I found out because he wanted to see her and say Goodbye. That led to so many more doubts about what actually happened but he keeps saying it wasn't 'romantic' and he was never comparing me to her. But then saying these things about having her qualities has just made things worse.

I guess I want him to get help and for him to realise and to put in to perspective that he met her only 8 times and she was just being nice and showing him a bit of attention. I have been supporting him for 4 years and it hurts so much that he would value her so much for just those few hours. I don't think I could have a future with him still thinking about naming our daughter after her... he said any other name would feel like a second choice. But I don't know how that would even resolve itself, if he will ever realise how hurtful that was.

Thank you again

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 6/22/2011 7:05 PM (GMT -6)   
I forgot about the daughter naming part. Do you think he cares more than he is letting on. I didn't know he tried to keep it a secret. And to have her on facebook, now that is plain childish. I don't blame you for the way that you feel. I am glad that you are working on you. I can understand the trust issue also. It is hard to trust somebody after that. He will have to earn that trust if you even want to continue this relationship. I am sorry that he hurt you. Just keep working on you. You will get strong and know what you want. And know what to do.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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