Thanks CheerDad for your reply. So many times I've tried to just be happy with myself. I've certainly overcome a great many obstacles in my life, and will continue to jump the hurdles. I've beaten drug addictions, I've paid back bad debt, and I've got a good job helping other people, but loving myself isn't just going to hit me like a bolt of lightening from above. I know that loving myself is something that comes from within and should come naturally. That's why I've decided to go back to therapy and find out why I have such a low self-esteem. There is nothing about me that I should hate so much. I've forgiven other people for more than I have ever done.
Most of my problem is, if I am such a great person, why can't I have a life time relationship that last more than 4 years. If it were just one person I could understand and say that it was their problem. But everyone I've been in a relationship with tells me there is something wrong with me. I've heard everything from, I'm too angry, I'm too depressed, I have bad karma. I know I shouldn't put so much into wanting a lasting relationship, but doesn't everyone want to be with someone? At least 95% of the world I would think. But because just about everyone I love has left me, I enter into a new relationship with insecurities and doubts. What a way to begin eh?
So I've got to work out a way to be at least ok with myself for now, or I will never get out of this endless cycle. Everyone tells me to get a hobby to fill my time. But there are so many to pick from and they can be costly. how do you pick one to try to see if you like it?
Melli - As soon as humankind began to discover the truth about itself, we began to find ways to cover up that truth. But maybe that's for the best: Our ability to delude ourselves may be an important survival tool.