Um, a little help?

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darkraven
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 6/25/2011 7:37 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi. New here. I'm a real basket case. Big history of abuse from childhood on up ("mother" gave birth to "slaves", not "children"). Was born with an after-birth defect that took 4 years and exploratory surgery to get rid of, and as such, I have self-esteem issues (as well as from above) due to very low weight (didn't get over 100 pounds until just before high school) and the bullying that went on through school as a result. I have allergies, had them since I was 7. Used to be on allergy shots, 3 a week, and that has it's own set of problems now that it has recurred due to missing a whole 2 years of shots.

Yes, I do know this is the Depression forum. Since I was hit a few times by the above "mother", I was in counseling in school, by the school psychologist, from the time I was about 7 until I was 12, when I moved to the junior/senior high school (7-12 grades). After that, I went for a couple of visits with a psychologist about half an hour away from me, but that was too expensive, so it was broken off, by said "mother". By the time I was 15, I had another psychologist and a psychiatrist as well. Both decided I had anger management issues and depression, and I was put on Paxil and Wellbutrin. Both of which only made me worse because I absolutely HATE taking pills. And, another issue has arisen from that... From the time I was a baby, if I have to take a pill longer than 3 weeks consecutively, it's useless (body builds tolerance and rejects meds). Which means that most antidepressants are useless to me. Moving on... Psychologist moved away (wasn't exactly listening to me anyways... Why listen to the dumb kid when the parent causing the problems knows everything?), and insurance ran out as we reached the limit on the visits. Was put in the hospital's outpatient program for the summer before the shrink left for 4 weeks, found to be useless as well. Got in trouble with the law after already being placed on PINS (child probation), and had to deal with family counseling (didn't help) before I received even more abuse in foster care (family of alcoholics only cared about the money... I sure wasn't seeing the approx $2K my parents were paying them per month through the state!). Foster agency had a clinical mentor and psychiatric nurse, both of whom decided I should be on yet ANOTHER pill (need to mention I never really took the Paxil or Wellbutrin, and this other stuff that the nurse put me on, don't remember the name, was monitored and still didn't work!). Got out of there when I hit 18 (they really thought I was going to stay and continue to be abused worse there than at home!), and the depression deepens by the day. All background.

Now, I haven't spent a whole night asleep in what basically amounts to YEARS, with this latest run being about 2-3 hours of continuous sleep a night. First it was just that I wouldn't sleep. Then, after coming home from foster care, I got a skin infection that was basically an itchy rash that would itch constantly until about 3 AM. That went away, and I still got stuck with about 5-6 hours of sleep with the occasional full night, waking up even more tired than when I went to bed. This latest bout is starting to affect my work and just about everything else.

I don't remember the last time I either actually smiled, was actually happy, or had actual fun (what's happy? What's fun?). I have a hair-trigger temper, and if provoked enough, will get physical to ANYONE. I've lost most of my interest in my cat, who always wants to play and seems to comfort me a little. I don't really want to come out of my room for any reason. I can't get a full-time job because I look and am as mean as a trained rottweiler. And I don't want to go into relationships (let's just say, "what are those?"). I also believe I have social avoidant disorder, but no shrink or anyone has confirmed this (haven't seen one as I really don't trust them).

Here's the big problem. As I said, pills don't work. I have a crappy job, and I'm not sure of the benefits I get for mental health counseling (if any, I know that the rest of the benefits absolutely stink). Also as such, I don't earn much money, and DC takes most of what I do get for repayment of student loans. I haven't seen ANY doctor other than my dentist (probably ought to go there again as I chipped a tooth a couple weeks ago) since 2003 (okay, since 2005, but that was to a dermatologist). Personally, with all of the crud that's floating around hospitals and doctors' offices around here, and the fact that I am kind of paranoid about those people in white coats (read the first paragraph again with insertion of the fact that I spent most of my first 4 years in doctors' offices and hospitals), I'm afraid to go. I'm afraid something is going to happen that I'm going to miss work, and I can't afford that either. I think I'm going to grab a phone # from work tomorrow and see about calling for some health care info.

Any ideas on where I can start? I'm 26, and I'm getting tired of fighting, and soooo tired of basically being alone. I'm basically at the end of Plan C now, and you don't want to know what Plan D is. Remember, low cost.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 6/25/2011 8:13 PM (GMT -6)   
Being you say you are a mean person, maybe you should see somebody about anger management. Does your temper get you into trouble? Though I highly recommend medications and counseling, you seem to have exhausted the issue. Though I don't think you hung in there long enough with the medications. The side effects last about two weeks before they go away. But that is your choice, some people choose not to take meds, for all you know, it could have been an allergic reaction, as you said you have had bad allergies. You could be allergic to some medications too.

Where are you living now? Do you have your own place? You said you were working, but it seems you said it was part time. What did you take in college? For which you are paying loans? Are you doing what you planned to with your education? I don't know why I have so many questions, just trying to get more of the picture I guess.

I really hope that you feel better and that things go better for you. Why is your job crappy? You don't like it? Have you ever thought about meditation? It would calm your mind down and provide you with some sleep.

Best wishes,

Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

darkraven
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 6/26/2011 8:27 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm not allergic to meds, but to every blasted thing living on the east coast, plant, animal, mold, fungus, you name it. Was supposed to get 3 shots a week for 6 years, but then foster parents stepped in at 4 years and decided Claritin would work instead (I've been on so many allergy meds it isn't funny, even some that are now banned, and none of them worked... Benadryl only helps a bit), so now they're back with a vengeance. Another part of why I can't sleep is because I can't breathe through my nose at night, I guess. I've been this way with meds since I was a baby, if I didn't say so above, 3 weeks and forget it, it's useless.

I believe the docs and other professionals believe that my temperament comes from my depression. I know I've heard of studies on the news that say most teen boys that have depression may show it in anger instead of the typical symptoms. Right now, and this has been this way for years, I have 3 moods; anger, complacence, and depression, and this last bout of depression has been going on for about a month now. I'll get angry, and it will last for a few days, and then I'll be depressed again. Or, I'll get upset over something, and then I'll get ticked off about it and that will last for days.

Right now, I live at home. I'm needed here because my younger sister and "mother" don't get along at all and they need the help as my dad has lung cancer. Which is why I stay in my room most of the time. If I had the money, I'd leave NY behind and not look back, like my older sister did, who now lives in Arizona (heck, I might even go live with her since she owns a towing company). I work part time, and barely get enough to cover my student loan payment, which means that, if I can't find something in addition to my current job or to replace it, I can't move out. I don't even know what I'm going to do when I can get my car back on the road again as insurance isn't cheap and neither is gas around here. I went to school for a full year (3 months on, 10 days off) to be an auto tech, but nobody around here wants anybody with less than 2 years professional experience and no ASE certifications (can't get the certifications without the experience and nobody wants anybody with less than 2 years... It kills itself). I can't even get a job at a Jiffy Lube (overqualified). I work in a grocery store, because it's all that was available to me, after I went back to work at the restaurant, which I started at before I went to school, that closed. I did live on my own for about 4 months the first time I tried to go to college (didn't work because I couldn't find a job out there in Ohio), and I managed to actually be somewhat normal except for being down all the time (and not due to not living at home... That was a relief).

No, my temperament doesn't get me in trouble. Most of the time. I manage to hold it in check unless someone keeps pushing (almost went off on my manager a couple of weeks ago but managed to leave before I did), but I tend to, as I said above, stay steamed for DAYS. Before I had to deal with the whole PINS thing, I did almost go off once but stopped short before actually causing harm (her majesty decided to get on me about a couple of bad grades on my report card... B's!), and the police were sicced on me. They let me off with a warning because I didn't even actually do anything, and of course the idiot cop got me PO'd again with some stupidly ignorant comments... When I was much younger, her majesty bought me one of those balloon things with the sand pouch in the bottom (punching bag thing) that I wrecked in 2 weeks due to being angered again. That was about the worst of it, other than the occasional broken window (Long time ago).

Trust me, I've tried meditation, self-hypnosis, guided hypnosis from those CD's that can be bought online, and other things. I can't get my brain to shut off enough for any of that to be worth anything. I can't get anywhere near sleep (or what they call hypnotized, except there's another term I can't remember right now) if I hear much in the way of anything, or if the ambient environment is anything other than almost completely black (finally had to get rid of my usual alarm clock 2 years ago because of this), which are a couple of reasons why it's difficult sleeping except when I'm alone. If you know what it is, I was in a class in Ohio that asked us to take one of those temperament sorter tests (Keirsey Temperament Sorter), and scored as an ISFJ, almost off the scale introvert, very sensitive and feeling, and extremely judgemental. I'm quite sensitive to the reactions of others, which is why even the smallest things get me swinging one way or the other.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 6/27/2011 8:38 AM (GMT -6)   
Have you tried talking to somebody about your anger? Or do you have it under control? I for some reason am confused. I just got up. So I am going to reread this and post later. I just wanted to let you know that somebody was paying attention. lol... Me, but still kind of sleepy. It takes me a couple of hours to get going due to fibromyalgia. But I am here, physically, but not mentally. lol...

PS Have you tried anger management?

Hugs, Karen

Sorry for the short reply...
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 6/27/2011 10:55 AM (GMT -6)   
I am sorry to hear about your dad's lung cancer. What is the prognosis on it? What stage is it in? My first husband died of lung cancer. It was sad. He was still young. I hope that your dad will be a cancer surviror.

You need to get your anger in check to be happy. We can change the way we look at things and the way that they effect us. I am going to post a couple of sites and recommend a book that you should read. It is about cbt therapy. It is called "Feeling Good", or "the new mood therapy". You can find it under either name. And the author is Dr David Burns. It is a thick book but easy to get through. I hope that you get it. I found a used one on Amazon rather cheap. I think it was only 6.00.
 
The sites I want to recommend are free. 
 
 
 
Both of these have been helpful to others, I hope that they help you.  I go to counseling and see a psychiatrist too.  It really helps.  I am on anti depressants and mood stabilizer and something for anxiety.  I really think you may need meds, or something so that you don't feel so angry all the time.  It is no fun when you feel like that.
 
I hope that you feel better soon.
 
Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Post Edited (getting by) : 6/27/2011 9:58:52 AM (GMT-6)


darkraven
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 6/27/2011 9:31 PM (GMT -6)   
Well, so far he's doing okay as far as the lung cancer goes, as far as anyone can tell. He had one large tumor at the top of his right lung that was removed, but it grew into his spine and has created problems with his peripheral nervous system (due to surgery removing infected bone) and other things, but mostly it's the fact that the surgery created an infection that keeps coming back under the incision every few months. That doctor thinks we actually have it licked this time, but time will tell again (he's had surgery to clean it out 3 times now). It's not only that, but he has this thing with his blood (some form of leukemia, I suppose) that means he needs to receive packed cells every few months and he can't really do much as a result. And her majesty isn't helping any sitting around barking orders all day.

I forgot to get the number for the union health care stuff the other day (when you're overworked and grossly underpaid, things like that tend to get swept under the rug, especially when all you want to do is bolt away when you're done), but I was informed I have to work Wednesday, so I hope I can get it then.

I'm going to have to do something about this before I go completely out of my mind. It really stinks, especially during the summer months, seeing all of the happy couples here there and everywhere and pretty much knowing I've been set up to be alone and PO'd at pretty much everyone and everything for the rest of my life (which seems like it's going to be pretty short). To be honest, I don't know when this really started, but I know it's gotten worse since the turn of the century when just about the only woman in my family, my grandmother, died of cancer, and it's been getting much worse for a couple of years now since I threw away what seems to have been my only chance to be happy. And now I can't hardly stand myself.

I'll check out those sites and that book, and see what the union says. I'm sure the union is going to shaft me because they're cheap, but, we'll see.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 6/28/2011 6:04 AM (GMT -6)   
I hope that the sites help you. There maybe more that I can find. It is hard when we suffer all the time with depression. But you have agood head on your shoulders and I think you can beat this. I wish you well.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 6/28/2011 1:58 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi and welcome!
 
OK, I am the nutritional nag on this forum, don't say I did not warn you.  If conventional medicine is failing you, look elsewhere.  Do some reading on Orthomolecular Medicine.  Thiamine (B1) deficency causes irritability, anger, restlessness, etc.  That is just one vitamin.  Maybe a nutritional make-over could help you.  I take ridiculos amounts of vitamin C and have gone this whole spring season without claritin or any allergy med.  Have taken everything for allergies since I was 16 years old.  There is research for this therapy on DoctorYourself.com, they re not selling anything, just some good commonsense advice about your health and taking responsibility for it.  Believe, no one else is going to, it is up to you to advocate.
 
That is all I have.  I hope you can find some peace in your life and resolutions to health issues soon.
 
Gem

darkraven
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 6/28/2011 10:05 PM (GMT -6)   
I've been looking into that stuff more and more since it seems that conventional medications are pretty much going to be a dud for me. Don't think anything other than immunotherapy is going to help my allergies, though. Started with those when I was about 7 and finally had to get the shots after I suffered through what was our last decent summer vacation, when everyone at restaurants and what not thought I was sick. This was after over-counter meds and even the aforementioned banned meds (pretty sure Seldane was banned years ago) and nasal sprays that did no good.

Another part of the nutritional stuff is that I know I don't eat right, but I have to eat things with high calorie counts. I'm not 100% sure if I'm hypoglycemic, but I do know that if I go too long without food (more than a few hours), what's left in my stomach comes out the top. I can't go too long without food due to no backup.

See, I'm a basket case, as I said before. Apparently, unless the doctors read the tests wrong, I have a genetic problem (supposedly have an inverted chromosome) that nobody knows what it does. My after-birth defect would have buried me if it was left alone another month as gangrene would have set in. It's a rare thing having to do with the yolk sac everyone has when they're born, and too long to explain fully. Apparently, one-thousandth of a percent or something of people are born with it, and very few of them have problems, so they don't know about it. Which is why I was behind the curve for years and got bullied a lot at school for being a twig. Which is why I weigh so little for being 6' tall... I have no body fat, period. Maybe some of that nutritional stuff will get rid of the chronic pain I have in my knees as well that used to wake me up in the middle of the night that nobody knows what's causing it.

Oh, and I hope nobody mentions going to church... I'm going to just have to say "Um, N O!!!" to that. Gave up on that hooey years ago.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 6/29/2011 9:52 AM (GMT -6)   
Darkraven,

Nobody will mention church as we aren't allowed to discuss religion on this forum. I am sorry to hear about your problems when you were little. Do you eat protien? It helps. I don't know about your digestive issues though. I think you will fill out. Start working out if you can.

I hope that you feel better soon.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

darkraven
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 6/30/2011 2:13 PM (GMT -6)   
Well, I've been actively trying to gain weight for years through work (gaining muscle is the only way I can). Think I may have topped out for a while. Didn't hit 100 pounds until I was about 12 or so, and was 116 at 16 until I had a growth spurt when I jumped to 135... My father was thin at my age as well, being 165 when he got out of the Navy at 5'-11", and he didn't have my problems. Seems like my younger sister is the only one of us 5 kids (2 marriages) is the only one who is heavy because her "mother" is as well, and it runs in her family.

I'll see what I can do. I got the union # but haven't had a chance to call yet, and I'll see about maybe getting a multivitamin and some other things and actually taking them when I'm not sick (really don't like pills any more than I do people in lab coats).
What a mess...

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 6/30/2011 3:07 PM (GMT -6)   
I have white coat syndrom too. My blood pressure goes up. Fortunately none of my doctors wear that lab coat. I think a multivitamin would be good. I was always rather thin when I was younger. Got heavy after fibromyalgia due to inactivity. I am losing weight now and feeling better about things. As long as you aren't unhealthy weight wise, eating properly and a vitamin should do you good. I know that you have other problems too, so you would be the best judge of that. Do you otherwise feel healthy? I mean with the weight...

I got sick from stress in the 90's and my weight really dropped. I looked like a walking skeleton. I hated it. But like I say, now I am still overweight. But losing. Don't want to get as skinny as I was, but still need to lose.

Hope you are having a good day.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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