PTSD/Depression - Stress, Flashbacks & Crying

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New Member

Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 6/26/2011 1:32 PM (GMT -6)   
So it's my first time posting.

Current situation: I just finished my JD (also have a MA). I have a job in a different city that starts in August, after the Bar. I'm studying for the Bar full time right now - which is a lot. Studying has always been my forte - long study sessions, reading for hours, but lately I cant focus. I also start crying all the time, which pisses me off. I feel sad all the time, and I've been getting nightmares, and sensory flashbacks as well as being really jumpy all the time. I feel disconnected from my 2 study partners/friends. I told them a little bit, but by email - when I try to talk I can't form words, I just cry for what seems like hours (so I haven't tried to talk to them face to face). I'm constantly thinking they'll tell me to fxxk off, which is ridiculous because in 3 years they've only been awesome, but that's how I feel/anticipate all our interactions.

Background: (Trigger Warning for Abuse Survivors)
Severe child abuse growing up. Literally dragged around by my hair. Beaten with sticks and belts and hands to the point of welts and bruises that made it painful to sit down at school by both parents. 2-3 times per week from about 4/5 to 18. Probable sexual abuse by my father (but the memory is hazy, and I was 4/5 but triggers get a visceral/violent reaction from me, even though I'm super mellow & believe in non-violence). Oldest female in my family with lots of younger siblings - so I took care of them, had to be the mini-mom since the actual mother was neglectful. I cooked, cleaned, did laundry and babysat (home alone with 3-6 younger kids) since about 8 y/o.

I just wanna study. I go to therapy 1x week, but I can't focus. I start crying. I just wanna sleep. I don't know how to talk to my friends - cuz somehow if I'm around someone with whom I feel safe, I calm down enough to focus...but I feel like saying that I need to study with them, like seriously NEED to, is imposing on them. Needless to say, i don't have many friends. Wasn't allowed to as a child and have so little trust in people that I have myriad acquaintances & people I'm "cool" with but not close friends. Seeing my siblings can trigger me (obvi) so that's tricky too, since I'm moving and they wanna hang out now and then. I live alone. I dissociate sometimes, but lately I've felt like half-dissociated but also unable to keep the crying/upset under control (which was always the point of dissociating).

I went to a yoga/dance class to get in touch with my body and had flashes of not being dissociated, but then started crying ridiculously. I feel like I'm two people (have felt like that for a while). There's "me" the part I consider myself that's all brainy and smart and reads and thinks rationally, and then there's this little kid in the corner crying all day that can't talk or barely even look up. And that kid has been in charge for like 3 weeks or at least taking my brainy powers away.

Any suggestions? Specifically about how to talk to my guy friends about it...I also feel like a broken fxxking record for going back to talking about PTSD/sh#t. How does one call her friends and say, "hey wanna talk about my sh#tty life over a couple beers?" rolleyes

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 6/26/2011 1:42 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Peacenlovebaby,

Welcome to the depression forum. It looks like some medications might help, but there is a book that you should get called "healing the inner child". I think it would really help you to find inner peace. I have read it and it helped me to understand a lot of things about myself.

I am very proud of your accomplishments, you should be too. You sound very intelligent. And it sounds like you know what is going on and how to deal with it.

When we are traumatized as a child, we put our guard up all the time. It looks like your siblings really depend on you. It is glad that they have you and had you to help them when they were younger. As it sounds like your mother wasn't there. I know that it probably made your child hood suck, but I am sure it has taught you a lot and made you a strong person too. I know you probably don't feel very strong right now, but believe me, you are really.

I hope that you are telling your counselor about what is going on so that they can help you. You might need medications through this. Hopefully not. Ask them about that book, maybe you have already read it. I don't know.

I hope that this finds you having a good day. Take care,

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Elite Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20279
   Posted 6/26/2011 11:25 PM (GMT -6)   
hi and welcome from me as well.

sending healing compassionate thoughts your way. jamie


New Member

Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 6/29/2011 3:59 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello and welcome Peacenlovebaby, there is nothing wrong with talking with your friends it can be a huge weight off your chest. And Im sure they are willing to listen and even offer you more support then you would probably expect. I would definitely invite them out sometime maybe one at a time and just talk. If they are true friends they will be caring and understanding. Also the book Karen recommended sounds like it would be very helpful in getting past your childhood trauma, I kinda googled it but don't know if it the right but they all seem inspiring from what little I read about them. Good luck to you, you sound like a very strong person and I know you will push through this. By the way Karen do you know the arthur of the book? I think it would help my girlfriend alot.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2010
Total Posts : 790
   Posted 6/29/2011 9:13 AM (GMT -6)   

Post Edited (awty) : 6/29/2011 8:52:30 AM (GMT-6)

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 6/29/2011 10:11 AM (GMT -6)   
The author of the book is Charles L. Whitfield, M.D. I am so sorry that I didn't write that the first time.

I hope this helps.

Hugs, Karen
PS  It is Healing the Child Within.  Got the title wrong too.  Just had to find the book...
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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