So it's my first time posting. Current situation:
I just finished my JD (also have a MA). I have a job in a different city that starts in August, after the Bar. I'm studying for the Bar full time right now - which is a lot. Studying has always been my forte - long study sessions, reading for hours, but lately I cant focus. I also start crying all the time, which pisses me off. I feel sad all the time, and I've been getting nightmares, and sensory flashbacks as well as being really jumpy all the time. I feel disconnected from my 2 study partners/friends. I told them a little bit, but by email - when I try to talk I can't form words, I just cry for what seems like hours (so I haven't tried to talk to them face to face). I'm constantly thinking they'll tell me to fxxk off, which is ridiculous because in 3 years they've only been awesome, but that's how I feel/anticipate all our interactions. Background: (Trigger Warning for Abuse Survivors)
Severe child abuse growing up. Literally dragged around by my hair. Beaten with sticks and belts and hands to the point of welts and bruises that made it painful to sit down at school by both parents. 2-3 times per week from about
4/5 to 18. Probable sexual abuse by my father (but the memory is hazy, and I was 4/5 but triggers get a visceral/violent reaction from me, even though I'm super mellow & believe in non-violence). Oldest female in my family with lots of younger siblings - so I took care of them, had to be the mini-mom since the actual mother was neglectful. I cooked, cleaned, did laundry and babysat (home alone with 3-6 younger kids) since about
I just wanna study. I go to therapy 1x week, but I can't focus. I start crying. I just wanna sleep. I don't know how to talk to my friends - cuz somehow if I'm around someone with whom I feel safe, I calm down enough to focus...but I feel like saying that I need to study with them, like seriously NEED to, is imposing on them. Needless to say, i don't have many friends. Wasn't allowed to as a child and have so little trust in people that I have myriad acquaintances & people I'm "cool" with but not close friends. Seeing my siblings can trigger me (obvi) so that's tricky too, since I'm moving and they wanna hang out now and then. I live alone. I dissociate sometimes, but lately I've felt like half-dissociated but also unable to keep the crying/upset under control (which was always the point of dissociating).
I went to a yoga/dance class to get in touch with my body and had flashes of not being dissociated, but then started crying ridiculously. I feel like I'm two people (have felt like that for a while). There's "me" the part I consider myself that's all brainy and smart and reads and thinks rationally, and then there's this little kid in the corner crying all day that can't talk or barely even look up. And that kid has been in charge for like 3 weeks or at least taking my brainy powers away.
Any suggestions? Specifically about
how to talk to my guy friends about
it...I also feel like a broken fxxking record for going back to talking about
PTSD/sh#t. How does one call her friends and say, "hey wanna talk about
my sh#tty life over a couple beers?"