Sometimes I wonder

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BreathlessAtHeart
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 6/27/2011 4:13 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi all,

This will be my first time ever posting. Sometimes well actually I always wonder why is this done to me? Why am I alive? Do I deserve this? I really don't like all this pain, hurt, and sadness I am feeling basically everyday. I always cry and then I begin to feel so unimportant. Every time someone tries to help me out I always get the same answer. Then they always say, "I understand." or "I feel sorry for you." In my head I'm saying to myself, "You don't understand. You're just saying that. You don't really care at all." I don't have that many friends. I'm always the one that gets picked on or teased just for dressing differently than everyone else. There are times when I'm punched, kicked, or slammed against lockers. I used to have a lot of friends but they all left me hanging when I needed them the most. They all cared about themselves and their stupid little reputations. They all told me, "If we hang out with you then we might as well sacrifice our reputations." I was always alone. I felt like no one cared. My real true friends are all gone. They all left me. Saying they would stay forever. We would all be by each others sides just getting ready to catch each other when we all fall. We always said that we would be there as one together like family. But I was left behind. They thought death was the answer. They would be the ones who would always keep me motivated the ones who kept me going. I've already fallen into a deep hole of loneliness and I just want to give up trying. I want to give up trying to climb out of that hole. I don't want to die. I just want this pain to end. I sometimes want to lock myself into a room and just cry. I want to be happy, truly happy. Not where I have to put on fake smiles and go on with life making everyone else happy but myself. I want to taste happiness once again. I want to be heard, ad understood for once.

-Nina

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 6/27/2011 4:40 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Nina,

If these people left you behind, they weren't your friends. I am sorry that you feel so hurt. I don't understand for sure the end of your post about your friends. We aren't suppose to discuss suicide on the forum, but when you said that "they thought death was the answer" it confused me. Are they dead now? I want to be able to respond correctly to your post with the proper support and try to understand what is going on. I want to direct you as best that I can. Please explain without breaking rules. I am hoping that I am wrong by what I am kind of assuming.

Hugs, Karen
 
Nina, I wanted to add that just because we are different, doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with us.  It is good to be yourself.
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

BreathlessAtHeart
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 6/27/2011 5:07 PM (GMT -6)   
It was just a thought. Not anything like about suicide. Just a thought. They aren't dead.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 6/27/2011 6:30 PM (GMT -6)   
Well if they left you like that, they aren't really friends. In our lives, we are lucky to have a couple of true friends. People that aren't going to dump you. Or use you. And sometimes people do and they don't mean it. So it is hard to say. I only have a couple of friends. Real true friends. And actually I met them on here. They really don't know me. But I know that they are true friends. But I stick to myself a lot. I am not a recluse, but close. I see people at the store, or sometimes go have coffee. I have conversation with others. But I choose to be alone a lot. I found that at one point it was easier than disappointment. But actually you learn through that disappointment. And if you have a friend and get into a spat, you learn and grow from that. Even if an experience is bad, it can still be valuable. Because we learn things from such situations.

I am not saying what these people are doing is good or acceptable. It is not. But you are still going to learn something from this. And you will make new friends. Is school out for the summer? Or do you have school all year around? I like when you don't have school in the summer because so much can change. And it does.

I hope that you are feeling better and that things are going better for you. Do keep us posted.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

luckyflowers
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2011
Total Posts : 164
   Posted 6/27/2011 10:46 PM (GMT -6)   
Karen, that was very well said! I don't think I can add much to this, but it is so very true. I would rather have say 2 great real friends that 20 that mean nothing. Nina, you are a wonderful person. I can "feel" that in your post. Your caring and thoughtful. You have to hang on to the good things, let go of the bad.

Are you able to seek out a school counselor? That might be helpful.

Hugs,
Dx: Herniated disk in my neck C6-C7, Degenerative disc disease and arthritis in my neck, sciatica, RLS, migraines and post-op RNY gastric by pass and depression.

Meds: Oxy, Nucynta, percocet, norco, xanax(as needed), sinement, topamax, imitrex, and paxil

Personal: Single mom 43yrs old to three children- two girls 6 and 13 and my son 16yrs old. I work fulltime.

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20282
   Posted 6/28/2011 4:32 AM (GMT -6)   
yes to luckyflowers nina. i have a few true friends. have them over 20 so so's anyday. hoping you feel better soon. i am in therapy, have you thought about some counselling like luckflowers has mentioned? it really really helps. sending healing compassion your way. jamie.
SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

BreathlessAtHeart
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 6/28/2011 8:44 PM (GMT -6)   
I go to a school counselor. But there are just some things I just don't tell her because she i able to tel my mother.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 6/28/2011 9:20 PM (GMT -6)   
Work on the things that you can talk about. Then get a counselor that wont tell anybody. You need somebody you can talk about things to.
Work on things like what you want to do in life, self esteem, loving yourself. If you can't work on the other things, do what you can do.

Did you tell your counselor about the bullying at school? What did they say? Are they going to do anything about it? I sure do hope so. Are there hall monitors? You need something to feel safe. You shouldn't have to be afraid to live your life. Self confidence is the key to a lot of it. If you seem self confident, people don't mess with you. If you don't, then they do. They always pick on somebody that seems weaker. So build it up. With the help of us and your counselor.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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