Can't get over my abortion.

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anoushka
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 6/30/2011 8:57 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello. I'm not using my actual name on this site, but my family calls me Anoushka, so I feel a little more honest, at least. I'm here because I don't know where else to turn. I can't call a counselor, I can't even admit what I've done out loud to myself. Every time I try, I burst into tears and become incoherent in a matter of seconds. Last January, I found out while at the hospital that I was pregnant. I'm eighteen, and was in my freshman year of college at the time. In short, I was unequipped to deal with that news. I'm going to be completely honest here, so no more pretending that it wasn't my fault. I had stopped taking my birth control every day over the months leading up to this. I had grown careless. I guess that I kind of thought that it was just something that couldn't possibly happen to me. Pregnancy happened to "trashy" girls, to girls who didn't get good grades, girls who everyone just knew had no future. Girls who didn't take care of themselves (for some reason, the fact that I had grown careless with my birth control didn't count to me as "not taking care of myself." I was an idiot.) My fiance at the time was as shocked as I was. It was one of the worst nights of my life. I wanted to die. My first reaction was that I couldn't handle this. I couldn't take this. It was too much for me to bear. Suicide seemed the easiest way out. If I hadn't been with my fiance, I would have taken my own life that night. But he didn't leave my side, perhaps because he could sense that that was what would happen. We had already talked about it, and knew that carrying the baby full term was not an option. I will never bring a child into this world who I am unable to care for. We scheduled an abortion for later the same week. It was a "medical abortion," which is somehow supposed to be "better" than a surgical abortion. I went into the room, answered some questions, got a shot from a doctor, then took the little packet of pills that they gave me to use later in the week and went home. It didn't quite hit me, what I had done, what I was doing. It didn't hit me, really, until the following Tuesday when the pills started to take effect. It was the worst pain I have ever felt. Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally. I felt my child run out of me. I sat in the bathroom and cried for almost an hour. I killed my child and disposed of him or her as easily as you dispose of a dead goldfish. I will never forget that feeling. I can't. I close my eyes at night and can't think of anything else. It's almost July now. All I can think is that right now, i would be almost into my eighth month. It's not that I regret getting an abortion. I felt that I had no other choice. I still feel that it was the best choice for me. But it hurts more than I ever imagined it could. I don't know what to do anymore. I broke up with my fiance because I couldn't look at him without thinking of it. I pushed away friends and family. I hate myself. I feel that I have been forever changed, that things can never go back to the way they were before I did this. My best friend is very pro-life. I can't even admit to someone who is almost an extension of myself what I have done. I can't say it out loud. I can't sleep, I can't move from my bed some days. I feel so low, so alone. Sometimes it still feels that ending my life is the easiest way out. Quick, painless. The only reason I don't sometimes is because my little sister would miss me. I feel that I've failed her, I've failed myself. I feel that I'll never forgive myself for what I have done. That I'm not worthy of being happy anymore. I'm tired of this. I'm just so tired of everything. And I don't deserve to feel so self-pitying. I killed a child. My child. I don't know what to do anymore. I just felt that writing everything out, getting it out of me would help. I guess that it has a bit. I miss my old life, and sometimes I don't know if it's worth it to live as I'm living now.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42438
   Posted 6/30/2011 9:07 AM (GMT -6)   
Think of it as you made the right decision for you at that time. I am sorry you are going through this. I highly recommend you see a counselor and get through this with help. You are feeling alone and you have isolated yourself. Please see a counselor. You are going through grief and you need the additional support. Somebody objective who can help you get through thtis with a minimal amount of pain. Physical and mental.

Don't keep punishing yourself for a choice that you made. I know it is hard, but try to preoccupy your mind with good thoughts. Try to put this out of your mind for a moment, maytbe taike a nice walk or something to feel better. But DO go to a counselor and get some help with this. You deserve to be able to move on and be happy.

Best wishes for a healthy recovery from this.

I am so sorry.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

anoushka
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 6/30/2011 9:17 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you. I really appreciate your advice. I feel a little better just having gotten this all out.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42438
   Posted 6/30/2011 9:23 AM (GMT -6)   
Anoushka,

I am really glad that you feel better talking about it. I wish I was there, I would give you such a big hug. You did nothing wrong. Believe me in this. It was a decision that you had to make at that time. I know it is very difficult, but I think counseling would help you move on. You are a sweet person and a good person, who is just hurting really bad right now. Know that we all care about you here and want to see you feel better.

Many gentle hugs,

Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Precious Gem
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1139
   Posted 6/30/2011 10:26 AM (GMT -6)   
More women than you think have made the decision you made. We all have to live with it. It is not easy. Sex and birth control are big responsibilities not to be taken lightly, now you know. Please do get some counseling, there is really no need not to, it will help with your situation. These things happen regardless of race, education level, economic status or grade point average. Life is worth living, not always easy or pleasant but I hope that you can find a way to put this behind you and go on with your life. Sometimes forgiving ourselves is the hardest thing to do, but we must.

Gem

Lynnwood
Forum Moderator


Date Joined May 2005
Total Posts : 7720
   Posted 6/30/2011 10:57 AM (GMT -6)   
I'm so sorry this happened to you. But it's time to focus on the present, and the things you can contribute to the world today, as well as the things you have every right to enjoy.

If you are still in college, and there is a health center, that would be a place to start looking for help. I'm sure this is an issue they deal with regularly. They may even have a group of other students who are going thru the same issues you are.

Hang in there - I promise you, it can and will get better.
Hugs,
Lynnwood, Lupus & Sjogren's Moderator
DIAGNOSING-LUPUS & LUPUS-RESOURCES
"Life is far too important to be taken seriously" - Oscar Wilde

Lasardo
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 373
   Posted 6/30/2011 1:38 PM (GMT -6)   
Anou,
I know you think that you may feel better writing this out, but believe me these feelings are very powerful. They unfortunately come back.
I got pregnant with a long time boyfriend, I could not have kids because of my medical condition even though I knew he wanted kids. It was like an elephant in the room. I would write in my journal..feel better..then the feelings would come back. I got very depressed and eventually was hospitalized for suicide and depression where I was eventually diagnosed. I know you do not want to admit that maybe you need to talk to someone but..deal with this...then put it away..move on with your life! These feeling are not going to go away until you deal with them head on. You have gotten a lot of great advice here. People care, we all want the best for you.
Will be thinking of you,
Leslie
Crohns dx,Pelvic Floor Tension,Pelvic Adhesive dx,Interstitial Cystitis,Ileostomy,Severe Scoliosis,Chronic Pain,Arthritis,BP1,Anxiety/Panic attacks,Several reconstructive surgeries..

CassandraLee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 900
   Posted 6/30/2011 7:47 PM (GMT -6)   
Anoushka: I am so glad that you found the Healing Well site to come to and confide it. I personally have not been through your experience, but my thoughts and feelings are definitely with you right now. You have received some wonderful advice from the other members. You were in a tough situation and had to make an extremely difficult decision. It truly sounds like you need a caring therapist to work through all your feelings with. You can't keep it all bottled up anymore as you have learned. You need to address it directly and learn how to work through everything.

I'm sending many (((((((hugs))))))))))) your way. You are not alone here. Please feel free to keep posting.

Cass

anoushka
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 7/8/2011 1:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you all so much for your advice and comfort. I appreciate it more than I can say, and I'm going to try and find a counselor at my new university.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42438
   Posted 7/8/2011 2:58 PM (GMT -6)   
Good for you. It really helps to have counseling. I hope that you are doing well. Keep us posted when you can.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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