Relationship is Turning Around, And someone else is now interested. What would you do?
1
Make Friends, Nothing More. - 16.7%
0
Ignore the Interest of the Person Interested - 0.0%
2
Continue Minding My Own Business - 33.3%
1
Keep No Secrets, Be Open to My Spouse About What Just Happened - 16.7%
1
Find Out Why the Other Person is Interested - 16.7%
1
Keep My Distance - 16.7%

 
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youngmil
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 51
   Posted 6/30/2011 1:18 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi All,

Remember me? Well I haven't checked in for quite a while but I wanted to catch you guys up. My spouse and I have been in the latter part of counseling and are beginning to talk again. We've been out together to talk, to a couple of movies and are slowly discussing things. I was amazed, she's changing and confessing some things about herself that I thought I'd never hear, but of course I'm acting as if I'm not surprised but not showing it by facial expression. I'm really amazed. Anyway things are going well. I'm still faithful to her, I have not slept with any other woman or anything like that which would be detrimental. Still she does not call me on her own, nor does she email me, but that's ok. I'm not complaining just taking things a step at a time. I'm still living in a hotel, this will make ten months...and I've never ever done anything of this nature before. But things are ok. Got my financial situations in line, even with the IRS. Hoping to get even better.

Something really bizarre has happened also, there was a woman that was working at the place where I've been staying who had been watching me but I had no idea (so I just found out two weeks ago) and she called my room. I wondered how she got my number, well turns out she was one of the housekeepers. Weird.
So, I answered the phone and she told me who she was, but I didn't know her. I think I might have seen her in passing on the mornings I was leaving for work, but I didn't remember seeing her. She asked if I would call her, so she left her number with me before I hung up the phone. Trust me, I had nooooo earthly idea something like this would ever happen to me. I've been just minding my own business, going to work, coming home, going to church and spending time with my son and my parents. Trust me after all I've been through, the last thing I thought was that anyone would take interest in me. I think worriedgirl was trying to tell me that one day it would, but please...I'm not looking for anyone, I'm too busy trying to heal and reconstruct my life and so far things have been going well without someone else in my life.

Well, what should I do from here? This almost terrifies me. I mean, I don't want to be labeled as the average guy who jumps at the chance to go out with another woman just because he's separated. I'm still married, just separated and I'm not sure how my future will go because my spouse and I are still taking things a step at a time. You know, my spouse told me that she realized that there was a lot that she did which contributed to the separation after taking a good look at herself. I was listening to her and I almost didn't believe her, but I was actually watching those words come out of her mouth. Amazing, guess I'm still shocked. Anyway, what would your suggestions be with this new woman that has an interest in me? Should I call her back? Or should I just ignore calling back and tear up the number? She told me she's a couple of years older than me. As I think about it, she might have been gazing at my pictures which I have on my coffee table when she was assigned to clean-up my room. ??? Interesting, who would have ever guessed?

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42436
   Posted 6/30/2011 2:19 PM (GMT -6)   
I would have guessed Youngmil, I told you that you never know what is around the next corner. Do you feel interested? Maybe just a cup of coffee with her or something? I would definately take it slow as I know that you will... But I think it all depends on you and whether you are interested in a new friendship, which it sounds like she might be interested in more than that. If you do this, take it really slow. But make sure to let her know that you aren't looking for a relationship at this time. But maybe it would be good to tread some new waters, just to see what becomes of it. When it rains it pours I guess. Now you have two interested in you. I think it is cool. Let us know what you decide to do.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

youngmil
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 51
   Posted 6/30/2011 2:34 PM (GMT -6)   
Well Karen, you did say this to me months ago -but I wasn't listening well. I'm sorry, I stand to be corrected. But how weird is this? I don't consider myself an attractive guy at all, I'm very average and I want to always be as transparent as possible. So you don't think going out to have coffee or breakfast is too much? What's this guy to do.
TY

notsosicklygirl
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Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 16285
   Posted 6/30/2011 3:02 PM (GMT -6)   
It's nice that someone has taken interest but I think your next action is dependent on what you want with your wife. If you're trying to work things out with her, I don't think seeing another woman would make her feel too good about your relationship. Maybe I am wrong but I think if you want to work things out in the relationship you're in (or were in), you need to put all your energy and focus there. I don't think there is anything wrong with male/female friendships but often times people are looking for more than friendship and you don't want to lead this other woman on if you're not available.

Whatever happens, it seems like you're on a path to finding happiness. Best of luck :)
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getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42436
   Posted 6/30/2011 3:28 PM (GMT -6)   
Youngmil,

Notsosicklygirl has a really good point. You and your wife. What are your feelings about her now? Do you think she is really changing? I know that she made life quite miserable for you before. This must be a little overwhelming. Know one thing, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. What you might not find attractive, another might. But then again, beauty is only skin deep. Not trying to give you more to think about, just thinking myself. I am really happy for you. Just take it slow. One moment at a time. Have you talked to your counselor about this? It sounds like it happened kind of sudden.

Know that whatever you decide, we are behind you 100%. You deserve happiness in life. You have been through a lot. I would get to know this person very slowly. Talk to your counselor too. You don't want any additional drama in your life. I think I am making it more confusing. At least you know a little about her, you know where she works. lol... I am really happy for you. Even if you don't persue this, it is nice to be recognized. And feel liked.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

youngmil
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 51
   Posted 6/30/2011 4:01 PM (GMT -6)   
notsosicklygirl, you are absolutely right. I'm not an adulterer, so that's why I'm not just jumping at the first woman that seems to have an interest. I'm not 20 years old anymore, I'm very aware of the traps that can set people up, so yes --I have no interest. However after sitting with my spouse at the park last week to talk, it brought back good feelings of when we first became friends, then fell in love. Trust me I'm not a "jump around jim" type and Karen you're right, I've already been through enough drama...and right now I'm just blessed to be able to come home and have a clean place, a bit of rest and peace and the pressure-less pace of planning things carefully. This new woman did indicate on the phone that she just wanted to be a friend, but even at that I'm not a novice for smelling trouble. I'm not like most guys who would just go ahead and break the rules because their libido starts cranking up...I'm not that gullible.
You guys are wonderful to chat with, because in the multitude of counsel there is safety.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42436
   Posted 6/30/2011 4:27 PM (GMT -6)   
You are top of the line Youngmil. I admire you. I am so glad that you shared this with us. I am torn with this issue, as I know you could use a good friend. But it is risky especially if you don't know the person. And the fact that you are still married. I want you to feel free on the other hand to expand and make new friends. I am glad that you are coming here for advice. I think you have gotten some good feedback from the other members and I am so happy to see that. We all know it is all up to you what you decide, and even if you decide to decline, I am glad that you still shared with us.

Take care my friend.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Living Well
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 1276
   Posted 6/30/2011 5:15 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Youngmil, I haven't been around long enough to know the whole story and everything you have gone through. I don't know the "prognosis" of your marriage if that makes sense, but if you are looking at reconciling with your wife, my opinion would be to tell this other woman that your wife and you are making good progress in rebuilding your marriage right now and you want to focus on that for the time being. You don't need to bring up to your wife that another woman showed interest - all that is relevant is that your wife is interested in you. Without knowing the history there, your post comes across that rebuilding your marriage has become possible and that is what you really value. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you seem to be saying you aren't prepared to sacrifice that process for an "easy l*y". You have matured and have learnt how to be the master of your sex drive, not slave to it. Why throw that away now. Enjoy the boost to your self-esteem and keep progressing towards your priorities and what you value most, is my humble advice. ;)

youngmil
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 51
   Posted 6/30/2011 11:21 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks for all the encouragement folks. Please understand this and I will re-emphasize, I am not confused or unsure of what to do, trust me...I know the best avenue in a situation like this and I'm not trying to make my current situation any worse than it already has been. My spouse is really sweet as I remember, she just really lost touch with me with the things she was doing and I became just as frustrated if not more, but after several months and counseling we're at a different crossroads. Another woman is not my style, character or mindset. Yes I agree Karen it's nice to have other female friends (and I do), but not in the context of one of them wanting to be close to me. This was a very unusual occurrence for me, and I want to be transparent as I have been here in the forum with you guys, I must say it's flattering when someone else finds you interesting. The problem is when guys let that someone really get in their head...and then the trouble starts. Sorry, that's not for me. TRUST ME. I was born at night, but not last night!

So, thanks all for the comforting words. It's soooo nice to hear that there are still people out there with integrity, morals and decency. In this sex-crazed, nothing but stupid sex TV shows, cable shows and sex saturated talk (everywhere you go), high-profile affairs --it's nice to hear you guys chime out honest feelings and thoughts. I just wanted to throw what's been going on with me out there for you to hear, this is a great place to be accountable. So tell me what other men, besides myself want to be transparent about something like this? We may not be a dime a dozen, but we're out here! That I know for sure. We may be few a far between, but a man who first respects himself and the character and legacy that he hopes to leave, should see enough of the degradation in relationships nowadays, in order to make him understand that he doesn't want to be another statistic, called a dog, and a jerk or a cheat. Give some of us a little credit.

But just as a request, keep me in your prayers. This is not an easy decision that I'll been facing with the spouse as far as reconciliation. Karen, I am being very careful and I'm not moving on feelings and emotions, I want to be sober in every way with consideration of my relationship with the spouse. Just because good words are spoken/heard by the other party, doesn't always mean that you just jump right back into things. Again I must say that she's had to have made some serious changes...it's not business as usual...and I don't think I'm being hard about what I'm saying. I just know that I'm reaching another age milestone and I don't want to live the next many years regretting the choice I made to get back together. I do love her, but I'm also very serious about the changes that have to be made. I have made so many great changes in my life in these last few months, I've surprised myself. I've even lost lots of weight. I was in the 200's, now I'm below 185lbs in just 3 months. No starches, breads, sugar or fatty foods. No calories in my drink, in other words just water. And I feel really good now. I've dropped a couple of waist sizes to prove it. No special diet, but just learning the discipline needed to lose and stay healthy. And afterall, I'm not 20 anymore. :)

Love to all.

Post Edited (youngmil) : 6/30/2011 11:34:49 PM (GMT-6)


getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42436
   Posted 7/1/2011 7:25 AM (GMT -6)   
Youngmil,

Me too. I ordered some jeans and they were way too big, I am drinking mainly lemon water and walking a lot. I have lost about 20 pounds. I am so happy for both of us. I am in no way trying to persuade you to see this woman. Just letting you know that you do have options now. I hope all goes well for you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

youngmil
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 51
   Posted 7/1/2011 8:55 AM (GMT -6)   
Congrats, Karen! Wow...that's just brilliant! 20 lbs is quite a bit. I'm telling you, I really feel good and I'm working on a little more to get my tummy flattened out a bit. I'm not going for the "Mr.Tight Body" award, I just want to not have the pudge. I can really say that I don't have any grabbable love handles now (ha-ha-ha-ha) yeah turn yeah

...And I understand -I don't feel like you're encouraging anything with this woman that wants to befriend me. I know what to do and I will tell her. Although the friendship is nice, I don't want to become personal...and besides right now, I have a lot going on with other things I'm trying to accomplish. I really don't need the distractions, right now.

You know Karen (and all of the ladies reading), women are so powerful in the sexual, beauty and attractiveness arena...guys get sooo tripped up with just from presence. It's soooo funny to me how as a guy we can get almost spellbound with that first look. On occasions I've had to slap myself out of it...and I don't mean gawking, I mean it's just the initial "wow, who is that?" ...know what I mean? It's funny. But when it all comes around, I've realized like so many other of my married-mature male chaps that the outer beauty while captivating sometimes, means absolutely nothing if the inside beauty of a woman doesn't shine. And we know that no matter how you doll it up on the outside, beauty is vain. Only the mature-wise and genuine of women understand the differences. The younger generation, it's the same old song and dance and guys still fall for it. You see it in the news from week to week, from the highest office in the land, to the most powerful political figure or business man...it's the same old song and dance. I just wonder, "ok, when are we going to wake up people?" ha-ha, it's just all so funny to me...sad in some cases, but funny.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42436
   Posted 7/1/2011 12:02 PM (GMT -6)   
I just don't understand when people cheat on eachother. It is like, if a person wants to be with more than one person, why do they get into a one on one relationship? Is it that they get into the relationship first and then they get persuaded to cheat? Or do they know from the beginning that they aren't going to be faithful? Why hurt another person like that? I just don't understand it. And I don't understand manipulative people either. I know that I have gotten off topic of this thread, this just came to my head. Thinking too much.

Karen
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Living Well
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Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 1276
   Posted 7/2/2011 1:01 AM (GMT -6)   
My 2c worth is I think faithfulness comes down to integrity. Relationships have ups and downs and temptations come and go... what seems to set people apart is how much they are prepared to commit to what they truly value in the darkest of hours, when no one is watching. I think it comes down to dignity and one's belief in one's own goodness and values. You don't have to be uptight to have a good moral compass... and I think the person who values most from us having a good internal moral compass is usually ourselves, and it radiates out to our loved ones. (This is a bit lofty when applied to my own life... I only have my son, no other family and no friends... but I think being able to sleep at night with a clear conscience and being able to believe in myself has got me through many painful patches).

youngmil
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 51
   Posted 7/4/2011 9:54 PM (GMT -6)   
livingwell you are so right, integrity is the principle thing. Even in the seemingly dismal hours for me dignity is what you think of when you've alone and you know that the next day will look you in the face. It's facing the truth about yourself and your character that's much like a mirror and all of us want to look good. The mirror never lies, it tells it like it is. I'm happy I can look at my current reflection with no regrets. (Just an analogy).

I had an opportunity to talk to this new female friend and very gently communicate to her that it might not be a good idea for us to continue talking, because I don't want feelings to begin developing and besides I really had a chance to talk to my spouse on last night. It felt so nice not having someone else in the back of my mind. That's a terrible feeling, and I didn't need that extra baggage emotionally. The lady that had tried to befriend me emailed me and expressed her understanding on Saturday, and I haven't heard from her since. Wow, emotions are powerful, and I did feel relieved just knowing that I really don't need the extra attention, I'm still trying to understand and decide what I need to do with my relationship.
TY

youngmil
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 51
   Posted 7/6/2011 10:43 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm going through one of those withdrawal spells, feeling alone tonight. I think it is so weird having someone to talk to one week and then not having someone to talk to the next has stirred up feelings I had not wanted to stir up. It's so funny how we have the need to communicate with someone, and then with a person such as myself...I begin feeling guilty for just simply responding to someone who seems to express interest in me...but because I don't want to be viewed as doing something wrong, I make the decision to terminate the friendship. Am I making sense? I'm feeling depressed again.
TY

Living Well
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Date Joined Feb 2011
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   Posted 7/6/2011 11:05 PM (GMT -6)   
you are making a lot of sense... did you want to come into chat youngmil?

youngmil
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 51
   Posted 7/6/2011 11:45 PM (GMT -6)   
sure. I need someone to just talk too candidly.
TY

Living Well
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Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 1276
   Posted 7/7/2011 1:12 AM (GMT -6)   
Lol, candid it was... sleep tight.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42436
   Posted 7/7/2011 6:52 AM (GMT -6)   
I am so happy that you two had a good chat...
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youngmil
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 51
   Posted 7/7/2011 8:46 AM (GMT -6)   
It was sooo nice talking to livingwell, I just want to thank her for being so kind. I felt so empty last night. I guess when you begin building a friendship and that's interrupted, it has a bit of an effect on one. That's how I felt with my new friend. I began missing the conversations which of course were innocent, but this was a person that befriended me. And how can you just outright refuse to be friends with someone because they find you interesting? But the issue for me was, she began texting and emailing everyday. Can you see my point? My spouse although after going to counseling, still never really did anything other than complain in an email or two about how there's no communication between us. Duh? Well? My question to her, have you made any attempts to try to talk to me since we've been separated? No, you have not.
Anyway...my new friend began emailing and texting because she began to trust me, we began to build something that I felt deeply I had better put the brakes on with...because my spouse is beginning to come around conversationally. We've been out a couple of times to talk, and I mentioned a few other things in my previous posts. So, my reason for breaking off the frequent conversations with my new friend is so that she wouldn't get too tied up with emotions, and becoming too attached to me. It hurts because what if? Then I ask myself the question, "what if what, TY? There should be no what if. The whole thing just made me a bit careful and cautious, and I don't want to tippy-toe around feeling that I'm doing something wrong, so although I enjoyed the communication I just wanted to becareful that feelings didn't begin to override. Just trying to remain transparent. The need for human affection and communication is so weird, in the manner of what we all tend to need or desire sometimes. This has been a long road for me, one that I don't like for religious purposes, yet I want the integrity to keep a name above reproach. Yes, it's a difficult road to travel, but in the end I just want to have inner peace.
TY

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
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   Posted 7/7/2011 9:01 AM (GMT -6)   
I think you will find it. You are a good person.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Living Well
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Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 1276
   Posted 7/7/2011 6:29 PM (GMT -6)   
It was a joy to talk to you youngmil. I think you are negotiating some extraordinarily tricky territory admirably. Full points for personal growth... even with (and despite) those growing pains. I get them too - THEY "OUCH" BIG TIME! LOL

youngmil
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 51
   Posted 7/7/2011 11:28 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Ladies, both of you (Karen, LivingWell). I appreciate your kindness. No matter how difficult it seems for me; I still have a belief system, a personal constitution (if you would) that's I've built over the years and I won't cross that boundary. Understand, yes I'm not a robot I have strong feelings for the female gender, but within the context of that which I believe is right and non-compromising. There are some really beautiful females in this world, but beauty is not everything because when the dust settles you have to get to know and understand the person you're attracted to. And along with that are a host of complications, sometimes this is a little depressing to me but it's life. You never get to know someone unless you spend time getting to know them and spending time around them, in challenging times and not so challenging.

Hope both of you have a marvelous day today.
TY

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
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   Posted 7/8/2011 6:53 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you Youngmill.

That means a lot. Have to get my dogs toenails cut. She doesn't like it, she is a german shepherd. They hate when people touch their toes. Oh well, I will let you know if it works. She is pretty stubborn.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Living Well
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Date Joined Feb 2011
Total Posts : 1276
   Posted 7/8/2011 9:49 PM (GMT -6)   
NP Youngmil,
Wishing you the very best :)
Jade
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