Things are so bad right now, I just can't believe where my life is at. While some of this might seem strange to you, and you might not understand, this is how I have been feeling.
It's like I had these three guys that loved me, for me. Everything I had every wanted. But they all came with "bad" stuff, I mean we all do, none of us are prefect, and we have to compromise. But, there is some stuff that is just wrong, lying, controlling, jealous behavior and not minor stuff either. And then there is me..critical, controlling in my own ways, difficult child, etc...and "J"(my Ex-Husband) well he was just a mess,"E" and "M" (Both somewhat recent Ex-Boyfriends)...If I think about it I seem to find men that "need" me...but I gave my heart to them, I'm totally broken from those relationships, more than anyone will ever know or understand. Did they use me? did they really love and care about me? Why does this happen to me? What do I do to deserve this? Its just heartbreak over and over. Even with the whole expectation things with even just friends...
I am just so much better off alone, I have no need to be "a part of" it's all so fake anyhow. No one is truly who or what they say they are and well I just don't care to be a part of it. Its too much disappointment for me. Things really to affect me too much. But I guess that's who I am.
This whole thing with my neck, the pain, then meds, my life day in and day out. It is completely unrewarding. I live for my kids. I have no problem admitting that. On that note...I have a very difficult child that makes my life extremely hard. It is like nothing you have ever seen. I don't care what anyone says, unless you are me and deal with her as I do you don't have a true clue. Same as living with chronic pain. If you don't live with that you have no clue what its like to be in some sort of pain 24/7.
In fact I have talked to NO one!! I have gone no where. I have a friend that even helps me go to the grocery store sometimes. This is from being a person that went out atleast once to twice a week dancing and having a few beers.
I am working with my PM Dr with different meds to find what works best for pain control and depression, which both do go hand in hand unfortunately.
I'm not sure when things are going to change or get better for me.I just have nothing right now...I allowed too many people to "take" from me and know I have no energy to even try and "get it" back....It is just so strange, I used to be so outgoing, full of life... It just has not been a good few days, needed to get that off my chest..I'm just beyond depressed...