I have read many posts and many of you tell my story. I have so many emotional and health issues that I am feeling overwhelmed. The fourth of July is an aniversary date for me and although my town does not allow fireworks, I am so triggered. I thought I had gotten past it, but I guess not. I live in a rural area and mental health resources are minimal at best.
Mostly, I can relate to the person that posted the message, "I want to die, but I don't want to kill myself". Six years ago, I was diagnosed with gastroparesis. I got to the point that I couldn't eat food, so I drank a tubal feeding solution and was managing pretty well, weighing 121 lbs. I missed eating, but that was mental. I had the dumping syndrome, but that came every few weeks and I got by.
Then, two years ago, I had bleeding ulcers and a lot of scar tissue that might develop into cancer, so my surgeon told me that he could take most of my stomach and get rid of the ulcer, scar tissue and cure the gastroparesis. He didn't give me any other options. I agreed and off we went. I have since found out that the gastrectomy is not much different from a gastric by pass, except the by pass patients get to work with a diatiction and are informed about the many absorbtion problems that can develop, plus the dumping syndrome is a problem as well. I knew how to deal with that. The surgery made me lactose and frutose intolarant, so all the fattening things are off limit to me. Currently, I weigh 90 lbs and even though I am as active as I can be, my muscles are wasting away.
Each day, I take over 53 pills to keep me alive and to prevent abnormal electrolites that can trigger my seizures. I am tired. Before, I was just dealing with depression, ptsd from being a crime victim, anxiety and coping with the many injured discs that have become worse from degeneration and oestoparosis. Not to mention being molested as a child of 6 by my father. The pain from the intestinal problems and just eating food or drinking the tubal feeding solution triggers me and all the cramping it causes brings back painful memories.
Have I mentioned that I am on disability and my home is being forclosed on. I am having an intake visit with Hospice on Friday. I don't know if I qualify yet. Each day is a struggle.
Thank you for listening.