I don't know how to deal with myself

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KeroppiHearts
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 7/7/2011 6:28 PM (GMT -6)   
I don't know how to go with this, please bare with me. I have looked at many forums for answers but have never actually had the guts to post my own.

i have been depressed my entire life, without medication. I was diagnosed with chronic depression at 16 (i'm 20 now) and have never been medicated (personal choice). I have gone through a terrible situation in my parents divorce (which case had lasted 7 years... i think is probably the longest divorce case in history) and have pulled myself through with the thoughts that school will set me free. I am a well educated person and will be graduating from undergraduate college with a degree in biology and will pursue a career as a pathologists' assistant...

Now being as educated as i am, i can not control myself and i can no longer deal with myself either. I have met a man who I am deeply in love with. I have had boyfriends before, but I haven't loved any of them like this one. A part of me tells me that I feel the way I do because this is the first man that has never 'needed' me, but because of this i'm constantly at his attention and it is actually ruining our relationship.

I have a tendency to completely think a head of myself. I can't get my mind off of "what if" conclusions. i read to far into everything and have even invaded his personal space by doing so. In my manicness I have told myself i need to change my outbursts and my thoughts... My father and my grandmother both have bipolar disorder. In order to better myself I have taken the tracts to bettering my health, such as quitting smoking and getting myself into excellent shape. I work out at least 6 out of the 7 days in the week and it has been over 4 months since my last cigarette. Sadly, bettering myself physically didn't work for me mentally... I have actually seen a dis improvement.

I go through crazy mood changes... I can go maybe a day or two without any problems, but then something triggers me and I just go off the deep end. It is disrupting my work and my relationship. I have barely been outside all summer. i don't know why I feel this helplessness. Thankfully my boyfriend cares about me enough to stay with me through it, although it kills me more to know that he isn't happy because of my constant need of problems. I know one day he is going to pack and never come back if i don't change myself soon; and I also know that if we don't work I am at risk of this happening for the rest of my life and i'll never find that relaxation state. I feel i have gone through obsession, hypertension, carelessness, and then at the end of the day i need his attention and i know he doesn't want to give it to me because of how i hurt him. I cry at least once a day if not more. I might get that lucky day or two that I don't cry here and there.

I am aware of exactly what I do... But i cannot control it... So i am hoping for some advice or even someone to talk to that can maybe have a long term affect on my mental health. I do not think I need medication and my doctor of 18 years says the same for me. At one time I did try wellbutrin, but i couldn't handle having to depend on medication. Thank you in advance for everyone who replies and even takes the time to read this. I am not only afraid for losing my relationship, but i am also afraid that it will progress and turn out to something even more severe.

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 7/7/2011 7:00 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello, Keroppi Hearts, You are to be congratulated on completing your
undergraduate study and receiving your Bachelor of Science in biology.
I'm glad that you've joined the Depression Forum, as well, and hope
that you will find some comfort in the help offered here and in the
knowledge that many of us have been through the experiences you
talk about.

First of all, bipolar illness has a strong inheritance factor.  You may
possibly have inherited the illness; certainly your symptoms are characteristic of the illness, Keroppi Hearts, but only a trained specialist can diagnose bipolar illness for you.

You need to see a psychiatrist who will listen carefully to your thoughts
and will tell you what illness you have if you ask and will prescribe the appropriate mood stabilizer if you do, in fact, have bipolar illness.

There really is no reason for you to continue to suffer the crying bouts
and the anger and frustration that you experience right now. Having
psychotherapy may get to the root of the problems you have and enable you to live more happily than you have in years.

You know, I'm sure, that bipolar illness is an inflammation of the brain
and carries with it a chemical imbalance. Aspirin will help relieve the symptoms, but the chemical imbalance needs to be restored by the appropriate mood stabilizer. Two of the newer ones are Lamictal and
Abilify, but there are many, many other medications that are appropriate for treatment.

It seems to me that, if you do have bipolar illness, it would be a shame
to let the failure to take a teaspoon of medication each day spoil an otherwise perfectly happy and successful business career and marriage.

You may not have bipolar illness; you may have depression which also may be treated successfully, so please make the effort to locate the source of your sadness and anger. It can be a blessing in your life to know how to care for yourself properly and to regain control of your life. You need to do that, you know, or someone else is likely to try to take control of your life which could make you very unhappy in a short period of time.

Please keep us posted; others will be along who will give you their
view of what is a good idea to help with your dilemma right now. We
understand your feelings, and we have compassion and a sincere desire to see you move beyond the negative feelings to the positive intellectual life you so much deserve and can enjoy.

Take care of yourself first, KeroppiHearts,

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 7/7/2011 6:15:41 PM (GMT-6)

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